I have never in my life felt this vulnerable or frail. I worried that any misstep might throw me off balance, again, and on the floor. I had to limp, hop, scoot and use my desk chair to get around for the first 5 or so weeks. After that time I got a knee scooter, which I highly recommend, and life was somewhat easier. But, I still feared walking out the door, down a step and into the car.
Its been 16 weeks now and the break, or fracture, is still only partially healed. I dont fully understand what is wrong, but my bone isnt healing well, on its own. Im only fifty six and this seems more like what I might have expected in another 15 years. The sense of frailty comes when I imagine another accident-or envision myself falling down the steps as I go to do my laundry. Who would know? How long would I be lying there before someone missed me? Its a pretty scary feeling, even if exaggerated. The sense of vulnerability is compounded by the ending of my relationship. I made the right decision but I am now a single woman, again. It gives me a sense of being totally alone and that feeds into the insecurity I feel in the face of this accident.
Im not a timid woman, not an invalid or grossly overweight or out of shape. I consider myself to be youthful and energetic and fully capable of doing any and (almost) everything. And, yet a simple oversight, a failure to pay attention has brought me to this state. On the grand scale of things its only a little foot bone but its been more dramatic than that for me. Something the ex-boyfriend couldnt or wouldnt acknowledge or understand. Im mortal, capable of being hurt, feeling pain, being at the mercy of others. Im aging. And, that is not a state Im ready to accept, not quite yet.
About the author: Walker Thornton is a Virginia-based writer and blogger.
Have you had moments when you have felt like this? Comment below.
