All Humor Articles

One night at about 2:00 a.m., two bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing. "Hey, you wanna go and get some blood?" The other bat said, "Now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 o'clock in the morning?" So the other bat said, "If you don't want to go, fine, I'll go by myself." About 30 minutes later, the Read more...

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down. The flight attendant asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that her ticket is for Economy Class and that she will have to leave the First Class Section. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right Read more...

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they arrived home from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, Read more...

A crow was sitting in a tree doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of the sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and Read more...

A police officer comes upon a terrible automobile accident in which two people are badly injured. The officer has an ambulance rush them to a hospital. As the ambulance pulls away, a monkey comes out of the bush and begins hopping around the car. "I sure wish you could talk," the officer says, half to himself. The monkey looked up at the officer and nods his head up and Read more...

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" Read more...

A father asks his 8-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!" Confused, the father asks what's wrong. "Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was 6, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. Now that I'm 8, Read more...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think Read more...

This guy walks into a bar and sees this older couple who looks very happy. He asks the bartender why they are so happy, and he says he doesn't know. The bartender asked the couple if they want anything to drink and they said yes. Then the bartender asks, "Why are you guys so happy?" The older couple says "We just finished a puzzle. It took us 3 years!!!" Read more...

Consider the fellow who goes out to the lake early one morning, but as the hours drag on he hasn't even had a nibble. Finally, he packs up and heads home. On his way, though, he stops at the local fish market and orders four trout. "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" he tells the clerk. "Why do you want me to throw them at Read more...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a Read more...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." "Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between Read more...

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you." Read more...

Two women take seats in a coffee shop. The waiter asks whether they would like coffee or tea. The first woman says, "I'll have tea." The other one, who is slightly fastidious, says, "Me, too. And be sure the cup is clean!" The waiter leaves to fill the order and comes back with two cups on a tray. "OK, ladies," he says. "Two teas. Which one had Read more...

Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch or a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon. "Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter. "Afternoon." says the farmer. "Where you headed?" asks Walter. "Town." says the farmer. "What Read more...

A college freshman comes home for Christmas after being away all semester. Her father looks her up and down, then says, "Aren't you a lot fatter than when you went away?" "Yes I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds stripped for gym." The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement. Finally, he shouts, "Well, tell me this: Just who Read more...

Two friends are going hunting, and the wife of one them notices that her husband is taking a gallon of whiskey with him. "Why so much whiskey?" she asks suspiciously. "It's just in case we are bitten by a dog, to prevent tetanus," her husband answers. "And what about your friend?" she asks. "What's he taking?" Says the husband, "The Read more...

A man approaches his family physician and says, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days." The doctor pulls out the family's medical file and exclaims, "Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?" "No," the husband retorts, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, Read more...

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and Read more...

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly Read more...