All Humor Articles

A district attorney is questioning a prospective juror for a murder trial that has been publicized in all the papers. "If the defendant were to be convicted tomorrow, could you kill him for his crime?" asks the district attorney. "Well, no," the man replies. "But I could do it on Saturday, if that would be OK." Read more...

A man has his annual physical, and afterward the doctor tells him, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," the patient says, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" the doctor asks. "Yes, I have," Read more...

At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife. "What is this for?" "For you headache, dear." "But I don't have a headache." "Good." Read more...

Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and now he was thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be tso awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip. One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of Read more...

A young teacher of an earth science class is lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asks a young fellow in the back row, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence the boy replied, "I guess you'd be Read more...

A doctor making her hospital rounds walks into a semi-private room to examine one of her patients. After the exam, the doctor observes, "You seem to be coughing much more easily this morning." "I should be," the patient snaps. "I've been practicing all night." Read more...

A particularly macho man married a good-looking lady. After the wedding, the man laid down the following rules: "I'll be home if I want and when I want. I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing with my old buddies whenever I want -- and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are Read more...

One of the more pompous members of an exclusive men's club is in a bar, holding forth on his remarkable abilities as an explorer and hunter. "On one occasion," he rumbles, "I suddenly came face to face with an enormous lion. I had never before seen such a huge beast. He stood only a few feet from me and was the perfect picture of ferocity. He roared; I fired; I hit him right Read more...

A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in." The neighbour looked at him quizzically and said, "In?" Read more...

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, a father took his 4-year-old daughter on his afternoon rounds. The little girl was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. At one point, the father found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As the man braced himself for the Read more...

Abraham Lincoln ran for Congress in 1846. During the campaign, he attended a church service where the minister called on everyone who wanted to go to heaven to stand up. Everyone but Lincoln rose. "Now I want everyone to rise who wants to go to hell," said the minister. Lincoln remained seated. "I'm surprised to see Abe Lincoln sitting back there unmoved by these Read more...

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!" Read more...

During class one Valentine's Day morning, a classics professor writes on the blackboard, "LXXX." Then he turns to the sweet young thing in the first row who is daydreaming about her boyfriend. "Young lady," he says, pointing to the blackboard, "I'd like to have you tell me what those Roman numerals add up to." Says the sweet young thing, "Love and Read more...

A cowboy was riding the range when all of sudden his horse reared up at the sight of a rattlesnake. The snake looked at the cowboy and said, "Do not be alarmed. I am a rattlesnake genie. Give me three wishes and they will be granted tomorrow morning." The cowboy told the genie that he wanted to be built like Arnold Schwarzenegger, look like Tom Cruise and be hung like the horse Read more...

There were 3 people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the Read more...

A ThirdAger standing in the waiting room of an automobile repair shop is staring intently through the window into the shop area. "What are you looking at?" the shop foreman asks. "I've been watching that mechanic for the last 15 minutes. Now there's a man who knows his business! He didn't spill a drop of oil on the ground. He put the hood down gently, fastened it, then Read more...

Some old-timers are killing time on a park bench swapping stories. One sits quietly while the others talk. Finally, he pipes up to tell of a day when he went fishing and ran out of bait. "I didn't know what to do," he says. "Then I looked down around my feet and saw a small snake with a frog in its mouth. I grabbed the snake, removed the frog and cut it up for bait. I felt a Read more...

A woman was cutting her husband's thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack. She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked. "And more hair than Dad," added their son. Read more...

A year ago, when we first explored the idea of a humor column at Bankrate, the U.S. economy had just (swoosh!) slipped on the banana peel of the market meltdown, staggered dazed (wha? huh?) into the swinging door of the housing bust and (splat!) taken the cream pie of soaring job loss full in the face. Hilarious? Maybe if you were the Marquis de Sade. Not so much if you'd just taken on a Read more...

A ThirdAger enjoys playing poker with the boys, yet his wife constantly complains about his late hours. One night, he is out even later than usual. At the next game, one of the players asks him what his wife said when he got home. "Well," he says, "I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in the hall, slipped into the bedroom and began to crawl into Read more...