Sex in Menopause: Grin? Or Just Bear It?

Jack Nicholson, as Melvin the homophobic curmudgeon in the movie, "As Good As It Gets," bursts into a hotel room and finds his lady love, the waitress Carol, played by Helen Hunt, in bed with their gay traveling companion. "Did you sex with her?" Melvin demands.

Carol responds, "To hell with sex." She looks hard at Melvin, who ducks her gaze. She then smiles at her gay friend: "We held each other. It was better than sex. What I need, he gave me great."

We never lose the need for touching. We are animals, after all, and when did you ever meet a dog or cat who didn't need petting? If touching is not available by a romantic partner, then seek out a massage therapist. It's worth the money. Pets are great touchy-feely companions, and the best ones feel your pain. When you're home alone on a Saturday night, don't drown your hot flashes in drink (which only makes them worse). Just curl up with a good vibrator.

When I attended a conference on the older woman at Esalen, I was fascinated to hear women in their 70s acknowledge their need for some form of physical intimacy.

And not exclusively with a male. It might be hugging with women friends, smooching with grandchildren or lavishing attention on pets. They found it essential to have someone to touch, to hold, to share affection with. Some spoke enthusiastically about having active and satisfying sex lives.

One lean, sportive woman of nearly 80 years had not spoken up. I asked pointedly: How do you feel about the automatic assumption that women over 70 lose all interest in sex. She paused and allowed a sly smile.

"This is how it is for me. I've become a vegetarian, but every once in a while I want red meat. I go out and get it and eat it and enjoy it."

Gail Sheehy is a journalist and author of 15 books, including Passages, New Passages, The Silent Passage, and Sex and the Seasoned Woman. Visit www.gailsheehy.com.