Top 10 Reasons Why Men Say They Stop Having Sex
Posted April 28, 2008 1:01 PM
Ever since we began researching and writing "He's Just Not Up for it Anymore." people have been asking us: How come? Why do men choose to stop being sexual with their partners? We discovered that this is a complex question with a wide variety of answers, because rarely is there only one reason. For example, a man suffering from erectile dysfunction may be too embarrassed to admit it to his spouse or even his physician, and find it far gentler on his ego to believe that his wife doesn't enjoy sex very much anyway or that he's just plain bored with her. This all may anger his wife, who feels undesirable and unloved. He responds by being angry at her, and they enter a kind of feedback loop of marital discord that is difficult to get out of.
One of the reasons we began to explore why men stop being sexual is that so little has been written about the topic, despite the fact that there are millions of men who choose not to be intimate with their partners. It was our hope that by discovering the "How come?" we might help people in this difficult situation find ways to communicate with one another, which is the most important thing they can do. When we finished the book, we realized that it was, after all, really a book about marriage, and understanding why relationships that begin with love and hope so often deteriorate. Once all of the "whys" are categorized and explored, a dialogue can begin. And then, anything is possible.
In researching our book, we surveyed more than 4,000 people and followed up hundreds of the responses with in-depth, online interviews. This was completely anonymous, and all respondents were numerically coded. We asked the men to rate a list of 22 possible reasons why they stopped being sexual with their partners on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree. The following is, in part, a result of that question. We urge you to remember that reasons overlap, and many men strongly agreed or agreed with more than one answer. However (and we were surprised about this) the first reason was way ahead of all the rest.
Top 10 Reasons Why Men Say They Stop Having Sex
- She isn't sexually adventurous enough.
- She doesn't seem to enjoy sex.
- I'm angry at her.
- I'm interested in sex with others, but not with her.
- I'm bored.
- She's depressed.
- She has gained a significant amount of weight.
- I'm depressed.
- I know longer find her physically attractive.
- 10. I suffer from erectile dysfunction.
From "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex. And What You Can Do About It," By Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D. and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, M.A. (Harper Collins/William Morrow, 2008) Based on an online survey of over 4,000 people.
Dr. Bob Berkowitz created a worldwide exclusive beat when he became the men's correspondent for NBC's "Today" show, exploring the inner world of men for more than four years. He is the author of the best-selling books What Men Won't Tell You, But Women Need to Know (HarperCollins, 1991) and His Secret Life: Male Sexual Fantasies. He has co-written a new book with his wife, Susan Yager-Berkowitz, called "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: When Men Stop Having Sex, and What Women Are Doing About It"; published by William Morrow, 2008.
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Comments
Have something to say? Share your thoughts.
Posted May 14, 2009 2:02 PM
This subject is so complex that it is difficult to know where to start. With all that I have read and experienced, the variations of actual situations are as bewilderingly high as the numbers of individuals involved.
I think the majority of long term male-female relationships will get colder, when it comes to sex. You read or hear of exceptions but they are exceptions. If it doesn’t stop, it slows down to very infrequently. I believe the most obvious and effective solution is what a couple is willing to do to adapt to the inevitable changes that will come. First and foremost, can they even communicate about that subject? Most relationships struggle with communication and this is a particularly difficult subject to tackle.
Consider that relationships usually start with hormonal highs. The need is there as a natural function of the state of youth or because the individuals have been without before they met each other. The pattern of approach, agreement and action is set. The cues, the circumstances are set. Then, as time produces changes, those original patterns and cues do not produce the same results. If the process is stopped dead, how do you restart it?
The issue, I deeply believe, is how to make adjustments to account for those changes. And, is there willingness to do so? Let me speak as a man. I believe the majority of wives can make their husbands lose their mind if they are willing to aggressively seek what it is they can do that will drive him to want. So, if sheer physical attraction fades away, is the lady willing to use the very available arsenal of aids that scream ‘take me’ to a man? I know of few men who can resist a wife sending those signals. Or is the thought, ‘Great, now I have to wear perfume and a uniform and do XXXX to get him to want me!’ Or, ‘That’s all he wants now. We have nothing else.’ Or, I’m not a teenager anymore. That kind of thing is for younger woman, not “insert age” old woman.’
I would deeply appreciate one of the ladies reading this to provide what the husband can do.
I read a comment once where a woman was seriously trying to awaken her husband’s desire. When it was suggested a negligee, perfume and a willingness to perform oral sex would help, her response was ‘Do you know what my husband would do to me if I dressed and acted like that?’ The gruff answer would be, ‘Yes, you would have sex, which you haven’t had in 4 years’. Of course, I think we can intuit she was thinking of frightening roughness by an out of control partner plus acts she was never going to agree to being forced on her. What but communication will get past this brick wall?
One last thought. Other than cutesy ads for prescription enhancement chemicals, we seem to be once again retreating from dealing with the issues of relationships, with the exception of forums like this. The Boomer tsunami is now. When are we going to deal with all this and help ourselves out?
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