What to Do When Your Partner Leaves You

Have you ever been with a partner who ran away from you, either temporarily or permanently? Running from intimacy and from the other person is very common and happens in most relationships at various maturation points.

Let's first look at examples of "running." Running can be literally going away and not coming back, but it can also be refusing to communicate or refusing to interact. It can appear to be a refusal of intimacy, emotional or physical. Or it can be a subtle, gradual pulling away that can only be recognized in retrospect.

No matter what sort of running you and your partner(s) are experiencing, one thing is for sure: People running away from each other and from intimacy is a common occurrence in relationships. This even happens in good marriages and relationships at one time or another. But it also happens in relationships that are not working. Some singles experience this as an ever-present phenomena in their love life -- a partner running away, often with no explanation.

Here is a list of 10 steps to follow when your partner runs from you and the relationship:

1. Don't Chase
In most cases, the person who is left behind loves and is attached to the person who has run away. It is this love that makes the desire to chase an overwhelming compulsion. However, have you ever been able to chase down anything or anyone who was running away from you? Think about any animal in the wild or even your own pet, friends and past lovers. I am sure your answer is no. Don't chase your partner because you will not be able to catch him or her.

2. Don't Chase
What happens when you chase things? In most cases, pets, animals, even people will run faster and move vigorously away if you chase them. So, if you want your partner to really run away -- which in many cases can mean the end of the relationship -- then chase him or her. Otherwise, when your partner runs away, let him or her run.

3. (For the Last Time) Don't Chase!
Your partner may get something out of running way and being chased. If you want the behavior to stop, you need to stop reacting in the predictable and, in this case, rewarding way. So, don't chase -- and see if your partner will get tired of the game.

4. Don't Convince
Sometimes chasing manifests itself as incessant talking in an effort to convince someone to come back into the relationship. This behavior is no different than other forms of chasing. The more you do it, the more likely you are to chase the person away instead of getting him or her to come back to you.

It is impossible to convince another person that they love or want to be with you. You want to be chosen and wanted out of free will, not out of the hard work of convincing someone to love you.

5. Stand Still
The minute you notice your partner has run away, stand still in response. As I have already said, don't chase -- but don't run away, either. Perhaps your partner will come to his or her senses and stop running.

6. Communicate
If you have stood still -- neither chasing down your partner or running away in reaction -- and still nothing has changed, it is time to communicate. Do so only if you can remain calm, cool and collected. If you get intense and emotional toward a person who has run away, he or she will simply run farther and faster.

Here is what you want to communicate:

• Does he or she realize he has run away?
• Did you do something to contribute to the running?
• Would he or she like to talk about what's going on?

Here is what you don't want to communicate:

• You miss him or her, especially "terribly."
• You are in love with him or her.
• You would be very sad -- or worse, distraught -- if the relationship was over.
• You will do anything to save the relationship.

Such sentiments are more likely to drive your partner even further away.

7. Take Care of Yourself
When your partner has run away, your first line of defense should be self-care. Self-care is a series of actions that make you feel OK again, like talking to others, journaling, exercising, sleeping, getting a massage, etc. Do as many activities as necessary for you to feel as whole as possible. This will help you tolerate the situation with grace and patience.

8. Run Away a Little Yourself
If your partner still has not returned, run away a little yourself. This, of course, applies only if the person is still around in some way, mostly in a marriage or long-term relationship.

Do not run away as a way to play games or have an impact, but do so to express your feelings. Get in touch with how you feel about your partner running away. Does your partner's behavior make you want to be nicer to him or her, cook dinner for him or her, do yard work, etc.? Does your partner's behavior make you want to spend free time with him or her?

I would guess the answer to these questions is no. Most people do not genuinely want to be around partners who have run away from them. But most people feel compelled to create closeness to encourage their partners to come back. However, intimacy in this case can encourage complacency. Or, even more running will happen because there is too much intimacy.

9. Decide to Stay or Move On
If the person left the relationship and has not come back, give it a little time. Grieve the relationship, and eventually you'll be ready to move on.

If you are in a marriage or long-term relationship and the person has run away emotionally or intimacy-wise, but is still present in other ways, give it a good amount of time to see if something changes. If there is no change, make a decision about whether you can live with how things are. If not, leave.

10. What to Do If This Happens Repeatedly
If the leaving/coming back-cycle repeats over and over again in your relationship, you undoubtedly feel like a yo-yo. You need to stop how the cycle affects you, if not the cycle itself.

If you have just started the relationship and the person is already repeatedly running away and coming back, you may want to end the relationship. To have this at the beginning of the relationship foreshadows how poorly it will likely turn out.

If you are in a long-term relationship or marriage and your partner is repeatedly running, you need to decide if there is any chance of the situation changing.

In my opinion, change can only take place when the person who has the running away problem is doing emotional work -- meaning the person can tell you why he or she is running away, that it is not your fault or responsibility, and that concrete steps are being taken to stop the running. If this is the case, change is possible and is often worth waiting for.

On the other hand, if what you hear is only remorse and promises to do better, there isn't likely to be change in the behavior. You may want to end the relationship.

Master Certified Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries coaches singles to attract and build loving, fulfilling, long-term relationships. For more information about Coach Rinatta Paries and the myriad of services she has created for singles, visit her Web site, WhatItTakes.com.