Why Men Love and Hate Women in Equal Measure

I see more and more midlife males who go from "Mr. Nice Guy" to the "Husband From Hell," seemingly overnight. It was only after years of my own denial that my wife Carlin finally helped me see the change in myself.

Here's how Carlin described her experiences in a letter she wrote to my therapist shortly after I began counseling: "What troubles me most about Jed are his rapid mood changes. He's angry, accusing, argumentative and blaming one moment, and the next moment, he is buying me flowers and cards, and leaving me loving notes. He'll change in an hour from looking daggers at me to being all smiles and enthusiasm."

I recognized my shifts in mood, but they seemed justified to me: "Who wouldn't get pissed when you treat me the way you do?" In my mind, it seemed that everyone who was close to me, especially my wife, was going out of their way to irritate me. However, deep inside, I was confused and frightened that I could feel intense love followed by intense rage, with very little provocation.

At times, I felt crazy. At other times, I just felt frustrated with my wife and my life. I always felt very strange. Was I the only guy who felt this way? I thought I was until I read a book by anthropologist David Gilmore called Misogyny: The Male Malady (University of Pennsylvania Press, 2001). Gilmore says, "Men love and hate women simultaneously and in equal measure." He goes on to point out that "most men need women desperately, and most men reject this driving need as both unworthy and dangerous."

Gilmore explores cultures from Western Europe to the Middle East, from the jungles of South America to the remote uplands of New Guinea, from preliterate tribal peoples to modern Americans. He looks at ancient and modern cultures and all those in between. He finds that in all places and in all times, there has been a tendency for men to fear and hate women.

Obviously, this isn't the case with all men. Though this ambivalence is played out in all societies, individual men differ in the degree to which it affects us. For some of us, the fear and rage are extreme. For others, we control it well and it seeps out only at times of change and stress.

Gilmore concludes that this "love/hate" dynamic is rooted in men's unique dependency on women. He points out that in most cultures, men depend upon their mothers and later, their wives for food preparation, domestic care, emotional support and nurturing. He also reminds us that in all cultures and in all times, men are dependent on women to mate with them, carry a child within her body, give birth to the baby, and feed and care for the child until he or she is able to live independently. Later in life, we depend on our wives for continuity.

I've found that the more dependent we are on women, the more our neediness generates love and hate. We love them for what they can give us, but are also frightened at the degree of our dependency. I remember, during a particularly stressful time of my life, having an intense desire to crawl up into my wife's arms and wanting to have her hold me forever. Even the thought was terrifying. I felt that if I ever gave into the temptation, I would never leave again. I would regress to the level of an infant and forfeit my manhood forever.

As we get older and need more assurance, love and support, we also resent the people we are dependent upon to meet our needs. Most women, I have found, have multiple friends and relatives to whom they turn to meet their needs for security, love and esteem. Men often have only one person we turn to -- our wives or partners. Under those circumstances, we have a tendency to both love them and lash out at them.

The solution, I believe, is for us guys to have more intimate connections in our lives. It's the reason I have been in a men's group for over 26 years.

Jed Diamond is the author of seven books, including the best seller Male Menopause (Sourcebooks, 1997), which has now been translated into 22 foreign languages, and The Irritable Male Syndrome (Rodale, 2004). He has lent his expertise to such programs as "The View" with Barbara Walters and "Good Morning America" with Charles Gibson. See his Web site at menalive.com for more valuable information on living long and well.