Increasing Emotional Connections in Your Relationship - Part 2

In last week’s blog, I spoke about the tool of validation as being an important one to help your partner feel understood. I explained that it wasn’t necessary for you to actually experience the situation or circumstances as your mate did in order to validate how he or she felt. By being able to use this tool, it would allow your mate to feel as if he or she matters.

Today, I want to go further and talk about how to actually increase empathy. First understand that empathy is different than sympathy. In the latter, you are merely feeling sorry for someone. But when you are empathic, it is as if you have stepped into the other person’s shoes and you are able to understand how they are feeling.

A missing ingredient

I read an article recently where the author stated that he believed that people suffered from Empathy Deficit Disorder. He maintains that these people are self-absorbed and are unable to tune into what others experience because they’ve been too focused on earning power, status, or money rather than being concerned with forming healthy relationships.

Though I certainly agree that this focus could cause a lack of empathy, I would suggest that it might also be brought on by some children learning to cut off their emotions early in life. When a child feels unattended to, like they don’t matter, it’s quite painful. And so, these children survive by shutting down their emotions. As adults they become intellectualizers -- sort of cut off at the head.

But the good news is that it’s been discovered that even as adults our brains continue to grow and make new connections -- there is neuroplasticity. It’s also been found that within our brains are mirror neurons. These are neurons that become activated merely be watching others; they literally mirror the other person. They will “fire” and react when you are seeing someone in distress, when you see another taking some action, and even when you witness the other person responding altruistically.

(By the way, a major premise of my new book, “Mindfulness and The Art of Choice,” is based on the fact that the brain can be taught to make new connections.)

Making changes

Of course, the question becomes how do you bring this into your life? Well, as I often say, you can’t change something unless you’re aware of it. For some of you this will mean taking a long, hard, honest look at yourself. Do you find that you often don’t get how others are reacting? Do you realize that you’re just very much into your own thing?

Some of you may have help from those around you. It probably doesn’t feel like help though. My guess would be that this assistance comes in the form of your mate complaining that you never seem to care or that nothing he or she says seems to matter. Perhaps, it’s time to take the comments seriously.

I have a client who did shut down in childhood. She is very aware that in many cases she just doesn’t know what to do. But she watches others closely to see what they do. And then she corrects her behavior accordingly and makes a mental note for the next time. Good for her!

If you realize that you’re strength isn’t empathy, you can make a change. Start to focus on how others are acting, responding both in words and gestures. When you do, your mirror neurons will start to react and learn. Know that it will take a little while but know that it can be done!

And know that it will make a big difference in your relationship because empathy brings a great richness to it.

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