I’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse, but there’s pretty much nothing about myself that I won’t share with others. I have no problem letting complete strangers know how seeing somebody bite on a towel seriously freaks me out, how I angrily throw furniture when the Boston Red Sox lose a playoff game or how many years it’s been since I’ve had sex (what year was it The Departed came out?). Maybe I’m this open because honesty really is the best policy. Or perhaps I do it because it gets attention, and there’s no such thing as bad attention. Whatever the reason, I’m pretty much an open book when it comes to meeting others.
And yet, I’ve been avoiding dating lately out of the complete, abject panic that I’d have to address one topic I don’t want to deal with: unemployment. I’ve been out of work for nearly a year now and, while I can handle first date chat that deals with the reasons for my divorce or my sex life since then, I get nauseous even thinking about admitting I don’t have a job. To avoid dealing with the stress, I’ve been staying away from meeting anyone new.
I knew when I got laid off from the journalism job I’d had for the better part of a decade that some tough times were in front of me. I was prepared for the struggle to pay my mortgage and the ordeal of going on interviews where I had to impress people half my age to get a job that paid half my old salary. Given the current state of our economy, I figure everyone has either been in the same situation or has at least worked out in their head what they’d do if they were in that situation. What I wasn’t ready for was how losing your job is like an emotional cold shower.
Certainly part of the problem is financial. The less money I have coming in, the less I can afford the expense of dating. All those Venti lattes at Starbucks aren’t going to pay for themselves. Match.com isn’t giving away their services (unless you count that first three days when you can sign up, send dozens of messages and then cancel…not that I’ve ever tried that….). And if the Match connections lead to Starbucks coffee dates, which leads to dating someone, it’s wise to have some funds on hand for dinners, flowers and (fingers crossed) at least one trip to Victoria’s Secret for Valentine’s Day. Unless I have some semblance of decent cash flow, or I’m dating one of Donald Trump’s ex-wives, it’s going to be tough to keep up with the expenses that come with a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong. I can appreciate the fact that money ultimately can’t buy happiness, and that you allegedly can’t put a price on love. (Although the Kardashian weddings do challenge both those theories.) Still, let’s face facts here. When people say looks don’t really matter in dating, what they’re usually saying is that good looks don’t really matter as long as the other person has them. Likewise, when people say money doesn’t matter, that is true only up to a certain point. Which occurs when you’re not only making your date pay for every meal, you’re making her drive to the restaurant and then park a dozen blocks away so you don’t have to pay the valet.
I’m still haunted by the words of a boss I had years ago, who one Valentine’s Day sat with us in his office explaining how the one trait that would send women packing was being cheap. Nothing would kill a potential relationship quicker, he told us, than handing your waiter coupons at dinner or giving her a really nice card on your one-month anniversary rather than an expensive bouquet. I realize that he’s not given the woman in question credit for liking the guy and not his bank account, but he was so much better at dating than I was that I felt like I had to respect his opinion.
This isn’t just about money, though. It’s also psychological. Anyone who has ever spent three hours on the phone applying for unemployment benefits or three weeks straight waking up at noon to eat Crunchberries and watch Maury knows the helpless feeling of being out of work. Even if you hate your job, there’s at the very least something empowering about going to it. It gives your life a certain sense of order and purpose. And something to talk about when you get that inevitable question even before your Venti latte is ready: “So what do you do?”
I’ve tried being creative when answering that question. Something along the lines of “I’m self-employed at the moment” or “I’m taking time to seek out my next life opportunity.” The idea is to be vague, so as not to admit I’m not working, yet hopeful, so as not to be too depressing. Outside of complaining about an ex-spouse or mentioning that a pet that just passed away, there’s very little that can suck the life out of a conversation like admitting to being out of work. There’s really no positive direction to take that conversation, and it just feels like I’m asking for sympathy.
Sure, this may just be my own insecurity talking, but mentioning my lack of a job feels weak. And guys hate showing vulnerability, whether we’ve been married for 20 years or we’ve known you for 20 minutes. It just doesn’t seem, well, manly. I can’t imagine it seems sexy when a guy isn’t in control of his own life and, without a job, it’s pretty difficult to feel in charge of anything. Hence, I’ve been entering into dates with less confidence. Which is even more of a turn-off.
Given all this, I’ve decided I’m probably better off spending my time looking for work rather than looking for a mate. Besides, now that I think about it, maybe being unemployed is good training for when I eventually find a new job and start dating again. I now have to hunt for possible openings people might have, providing them with my personal information and descriptions of my previous experience. I need to sit through interviews where I brag all about what good things I can bring to that situation, explaining why I would be an entertaining and indispensable guy to have around. And afterward, I have to sit home wondering how soon is too soon to call and check to see if I was liked and will get asked back.
Craig Tomashoff is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles. He was most recently Executive Editor of "TV Guide," and has also worked as Associate Bureau Chief for "People." In addition, he has written for publications including "The Los Angeles Times," "Tthe New York Times," "Emmy" magazine and "Family Circle." He has also worked as a television writer/producer for such series as "The Martin Short Show," "The Late Show With Craig Kilborn" and "VH1’s Behind the Music."
