I missed this New York Times bestseller when it was published in 2009 and when it came out in paperback last spring and when the author was interviewed on Oprah. But once I picked it up I was riveted.
One day Julie Metzs husband collapsed on the kitchen floor and died in her arms. Suddenly she was a widow with a 6-year-old child. Living in a small town, she relied on their mutual friends to keep her afloat. About 7 months into the grieving process, she found out that her husband had been having numerous affairs during their marriage and had left a trail of journal entries and emails that were keys to a secret life.
Reality shifted. Nothing about her marriage was as she thought it was. And one friend in particular was not who she appeared to be. What happens next is revealed in four sections: Fog, Storm, Wind, and Daylight. Slowly, Metz puts together the pieces of the puzzle and rebuilds her own shattered identity in the process.
JK: You were a graphic designer and freelance writer with a fairly structured work ethic and keen sense of personal responsibility. Your husband seemed to be the opposite. A writer as well, with a large personality and a love of fine food and entertaining, he was not making much progress on his last project. At the time of his death he had a contract to write a food book on the Japanese concept of umami, the moment of perfection. How does that tie into your book title, Perfection?
JM: The title refers to the idea that often in this culture we strive for an unrealistic idea of perfection, one that is guaranteed to make us unhappy. We spend so much time worrying about how things look from the outside that we fail to address our inner feelings fully.
Food and cooking were two of the best things in his life. When he was in the kitchen he felt good, he was in control and he made people happy. I think that cooking nurtured him in a way that few other activities did. Sometimes I think he should have become a professional chef and cookbook author. It is ironic that my husband was working on a book at the time of his death that was to have been about this japanese idea--the moment of perfection. JK: Your husbands ability to cook and mix foods to create memorable meals may have approached perfection, and you recall many wonderful moments of bonding over mouthwatering dishes, but your marriage was definitely not perfect, even before you discovered his infidelities after his death. You write I remembered the many times in recent years when I hadnt wanted to have sex with Henry. I had felt repelled by him, there had been something insincere, almost smarmy that I couldnt place, as if he were a stranger inhabiting the body of the man Id known for 16 years. Even kissing him felt like a violation. I had retreated sexually to preserve myself from the deception my body understood.Yet you still had no idea that your marriage was a sham in terms of fidelity and trust. JM: For those of us who take marriage seriously, there is a reluctance to give up. My parents had a long and successful marriage and I assumed mine would be the same. Looking at the signs of trouble back then would have felt like an admission of failure. But it is clear that my body knew all along.
JK: After the revelations, you pursued each of your husbands lovers for information and clues to help you understand what happened, as well as to ask them how could they justify their behavior. Thats every betrayed wifes dream to confront the other woman but were often advised not to do that and told we must forgive in order to heal. JM: I never advise other people in my situation on what to do, because every situation is so different. For me, personally, I felt I would never be able to reinvent my life without researching what had happened to my marriage. But of course, had [my husband] lived I would never have had access to any of the material in the first place. I have friends who have preferred not to know the details and others who have read through the evidence. In my case it was a decision I made immediately as it seemed the only way to go forward and I have no regrets.JK: In the book you reveal that your husband probably had a narcissistic personality disorder. Did you worry that was a violation of his privacy?JM: As executor of my husband's will I was allowed access to his medical records. His diagnosis was so much a part of the story and who he was. I was certain that other women had been in this type of situation. Omitting such an important piece of the puzzle would have been an error and disservice to the reader.
JK: What do you have to say about fear of change?JM: It is human to fear change. I just returned from a 3-day meditation retreat and that was pretty much the theme of the talks. It never stops, the fear of change. We are always trying and failing to control the outcome of events. It's the reality of our lives and all we can do is keep trying to be open to experience. JK: Your husbands passing was a loss in your childs life and certainly an unexpected turn of events for you, but things seem to have turned out well for you and your family. People need to read the book to find out how things evolved and changed. Judy Kirkwood read Perfection in one day (and night).Have you ever experienced betrayal? If you want to, please share your story and your feelings below.
