Weve all experienced self-sabotaging thoughts in which we use phrases like, Im worthless and I hate my life. They usually inhabit the back of our minds and pray on our self esteem. We tell ourselves that these thoughts are normal but they may cause more damage than we realize. These mental habits in which we constantly punish ourselves may actually be contributing to or even causing feelings of depression.
Mental health professionals most often combat these self-defeatist thoughts with cognitive therapy, which was founded in the 1960s by psychiatrist Aaron T. Beck. Cognitive therapy aims at changing the way that people think. Specifically, it looks at negative thought patters and attempts to substitute them for more healthy thoughts. The following are 10 common negative thought patterns, according to about.com. Ask yourself if any of the following sound familiar.
All or Nothing Thinking: Alice sees a man in line at the grocery store that she finds attractive. She notices that he has no ring and strikes up a conversation. She believes that she is doing well and that she may get a date out of it. But just then his beautiful girlfriend walks up. Alice is crushed. She smiles politely on the outside, but on the inside she laments that she will never find a worthwhile guy, that she will die alone, and that her body will inevitably be consumed by her cat.
In situations like these, we use a great deal of absolutes. Words like never and always are usually not your friends. If you notice that you use absolute words, try avoiding them in the future. Most situations in life are not black and white. In Alices case, it would be healthier to realize that one set back does not mean that she will die alone or will never find a worthwhile guy. It means only that the nice man that she met at the grocery store has a girlfriend. Over-generalization: At work, Jon has just completed a huge project that is bound to get him praise. He is a little paranoid that there may be a mistake that he didnt catch in the presentation so he shows it to his coworker. The next day Jon realizes that his coworker has presented John's work as his own. Jon knows that telling his boss would accomplish nothing because he has no way to prove what his coworker has done. Jon sits glumly in his cubicle and thinks that all people are selfish and untrustworthy. He makes a mental vow that he will never allow himself to trust anyone again.Generalizations, in which we take a trait expressed by one person and apply it to everyone else, can have a serious impact not only the way we view the world, but also on the level of trust that we grant people.
When making generalizations, we often think that we are being harsh but truthful, but in fact we are deluding ourselves and reducing our effectiveness in social situations. For Jon, it would be more useful to realize that not all coworkers will steal work if given a chance. Mental Filter: After a busy week, Linda heads to the dreaded DMV. When she finally reaches the counter after a long wait, the clerk is extremely rude to her. Linda grits her teeth and fills out the excessive paperwork. The clerk gives Linda what she came for and Linda heads for the door. When Linda reaches the door, a woman holds it open for her and complements her shoes. On her way home, Linda grumbles about her experience at the DMV and dreads the next time she will need to make another visit.Through the course of the day we experience a great deal of both positive and negative things. Sometimes, when looking back at the end of the day, we discount the positive and see only the negative. Linda experienced some negative things during her trip to the DMV, but she also had her shoes complimented by a kind stranger. Who is Linda more likely to remember, the rude clerk, or the polite women who held the door? Disqualifying the Positive: Kim has a banquet to attend for work and she knows that the event will require her to wear a dress. She goes to various different stores until she finds a dress that fits in all the right places. At the banquet, a friend approaches Kim and tells her emphatically that she looks beautiful. Kim blushes a little and replies that it is entirely the dress.
Self esteem plays a large role in the way we view ourselves. When we feel self conscious about the way we look, we see ourselves through a deceptive lens. Its important to realize that the way other people view us is entirely different from the way we view ourselves. Kim would have done well to avoid turning a positive into a negative.Jumping to conclusions: Jane is in a convenience store when she runs into an old acquaintance. The acquaintance mentions that she is excited about a dinner party that Janes good friend is throwing. This comes as a shock to Jane, because she hasnt heard anything about a dinner party. She is dumbfounded. Because the party is tomorrow, Jane concludes that her friend has no intention of inviting her. Jane automatically thinks that her friend secretly hates her and is trying to avoid her.Making false assumptions only adds to insecurities, and expecting to find disappointment around every turn is unhealthy. It is far more useful to wait for the facts before drawing conclusions. In Janes case, we should ask ourselves what other possible explanations exist. Perhaps Janes friend forgot. Or maybe she sent the invitation to the email account that Jane never checks. Magnification and Minimization: Carlos decides that he would like to learn how to cook. He even plans a dinner party to showcase his new-found culinary skills to his friends. When planning the dinner, Carlos decides to make a three coarse meal. His friends all love the first two courses, but he can tell the desert course fails to please. Carlos apologizes to his friends for being such a horrible cook. His friends reassure him that all the courses aside from the desert course were great, but Carlos continues to chastise himself.
When we are faced with mixed results, we sometimes maximize the negative and minimize the positive. Carlos has taken one negative comment and blown it up to encompass the whole meal, rather than accepting that his first two courses were well made.Emotional Reasoning: Joy has brought some work home with her so she can catch up. While sitting on her couch, she looks at the tremendous pile of paper and feels overwhelmed. She cant imagine how she will finish all of it in one night, and her boss has told her that he is displeased with how far behind she is falling. She begins to shift around listlessly and look at the clock instead of working. She soon becomes upset and concludes that she is useless at her job and that she should quit.We should avoid reasoning with our emotions. It never allows us to see the world clearly. If youre frustrated, you should take a step back and allow those feelings of frustration to pass before you make decisions or determine a course of action. In Joys case, she could do as much as she can and then talk to her boss about why she keeps falling behind. Should Statements: Nancy is late for work and stuck in traffic. eventually, she sees that the cause of the delay is road construction. Nancy is furious. They really should wait until the weekend to do road work, she says.
Should statements are sometimes useful when, for instance, you decide that your husband should be taking out the trash. In this context, a should statement is practical because you can do something about it. If, however, there is nothing that you can do about a situation, you should avoid using the words should and ought. Why bang your head against the wall? In Nancys case, there's nothing to do about the road work but crank up the car stereo and make the best of the extra alone time.Labeling and Mislabeling: Eric has been out of work for three months. Even though he's qualified, he's being passed over for positions left and right. After receiving his most recent rejection letter, Eric thinks to himself Im stupid and incompetent. He decides that he may as well give up interviewing altogether. Giving ourselves negative titles tends to act as a self fulfilling prophesy. Notice that after Eric calls himself stupid and incompetent, he gives up. It would have been far more useful for Eric to reassure himself by acknowledging that he is smart and capable. This would have allowed him to continue vying for jobs with renewed confidence.Personalization: Pauls wife is an alcoholic. She has continually refused to seek treatment. Paul has told his wife that he will not allow alcohol in house where their children might see her drink, but she continually disobeys him. Paul is distraught. He believes that his wifes alcohol problems are all his fault, and he beats himself up for not being able to save her.Taking responsibility for other people's actions is unwise. If mistakes are made, it is only the fault of the person who has made them. Paul has tried his hardest to help his wife. At the end of the day, the mistakes that she makes are her own.
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