How do families decide who will help caretake or house elderly parents? AARP reports that the typical caregiver is a 46-year-old female with a full-time job. It does not specify, but this typical woman is also a saint. Nevertheless, she needs help.
In our family of three girls, it is my younger sister who has looked after our parents as they began needing more help, and who takes care of our mother in her home now that our dad is gone. Newly retired, she has done all of this while working full time.
Why? Because she is there. Whereas my older sister and I had moved away by age 21, she never left our hometown in Illinois. Should the child who is in town be burdened with caretaking? I struggle with feeling guilty that Im not directly caretaking my mother with my sister, but there are other considerations to our arrangement that are associated with each of our strengths.
When our parents began having health issues, my younger sister was naturally involved because she was physically and emotionally closer to them. My parents had helped her (she was a single mom) raise her two sons, providing daycare, babysitting, and backup, as well as subsidizing her when she needed it. In a sense, she returned their care for her. Both my older sister and I were married and able to be more independent with double incomes.
As her involvement became more demanding, however, the family dynamic was skewed. In his last years my father was blind and frail, with advancing Alzheimers. My younger sister emptied catheter bags, took him to the bathroom, cleaned up his messes, dressed and undressed him, got him up and put him to bed, all with good humor. Turns out she was very good at caretaking. I tried to do what she did when I came to visit and help out, but I was nowhere near as accomplished.After Dad died, there were several years of respite. Recognizing my sisters sacrifices, especially taking a family leave without pay from her job to take care of him at home when he was dying, we were happy to have our mother give her her inheritance early for a down payment on a house. We both had houses and my younger sister certainly deserved one too. Then my mother had a stroke. My sister coordinated her nursing home care, and as moms money ran low brought her to live in the house our mom had helped purchase. She put in a ramp and other disability accommodations and cares for mom as tenderly as she watched over dad. One sister is burdened with the care of elderly parents while the other two live independent lives in Florida and Arizona. One sister receives a generous down payment on a house while the other two will receive nothing as an inheritance. These kinds of situations split families apart. What holds our family together?
First of all, both my older sister and I recognize that our younger sister is amazing. Nursing skills seem to come naturally to her. Not only that, but she has grown and matured in that role. She has our confidence and our gratitude and that makes her feel good.Second, we both pitch in as much as we can. Now retired, my older sister can spend more time with mom than she did with our dad during his last years. She tries to fly out from Arizona every 4-6 weeks. I am still working and have limited resources but I fly out as often as I can as well and try to stay at least a week. Both my older sister and I watched mom this summer so that our younger sis could have a getaway. It was only one night, but it let her know that we recognize that if she has an opportunity to spend time with friends, we need to make it happen. Third, we are all playing to our strengths. My older sister, who is not as good as my younger sister with physical nursing tasks like toileting, is excellent at motivational tasks. As a former teacher, she knows how to coach and encourage my mom to do her physical therapy exercises, practice writing her name, to hear about and then respond to current events. I have tried to improve my skills with physical and emotional caretaking. But what else can I offer that Im good at? I finally realized that I can contribute by paying more attention to my younger sister. Im not as good at nurturing and nursing as she is, but if we do it together its more fun and we both enjoy it more. When shes off-duty during the time mom is at Alzheimers daycare, I can take her to lunch or shopping or a movie. Recently while mom was in a nursing home (where the staff adore her) after a hospital stay, I flew sis out to Florida for a week for some R&R.
My older sister and I realize that we will need to contribute more financially. Our younger sister lives on a very small income. Although she worked as hard as we did she does not have as much to see her through retirement as my older sister. Im somewhat strapped, too, but I have more money set aside than she does and Im still working. There are difficult moments, especially for our caretaking sister when she doesnt get enough sleep because of tending mom and has so much less freedom. Its not a perfect or fair system by any means. But with respect for each other we muddle through. After all, eventually well be doing this for each other. About the author: Judy Kirkwood is lucky to have two supportive, loving, hard-working sisters.
