Caring for Loved Ones

First: I am so glad to have this site!!! Finally something for caregivers!
My question to you guys is this: About 3 months ago, I was asked by a friend if would move to florida to help her with her children and help take care of her father. I would be getting paid #350 per week, plus room and board. Since then, things have fell apart (on the family's end - the daughter went psychotic when her father cut her off of all the money she was spending). I am now living with a mutual friend, and the friend's father has since moved in with us. I was once again asked to take care of him. I agreed (for the same amount $350 per week, plus room and board)
that was fine one day. the very next day, I was told I would get $200 per week, plus room and board. and that my duties would include (cleaning his room, cooking for him once a day, taking him to doctors appts, and maybe sitting and talking with him)..I had no other choice but to say yes, since i am stuck in florida with no way back home (to georgia).
My duties now are way more than before, I do everything above, plus 10,000 things more and am lucky if i get 2 or 3 hours of sleep. when he is up all night banging around in his room, knocking things off a wall, stomping around it wakes me up and I cannot go back to sleep. the friend i live with got a little upset with me this morning because i didnt bring him to work. i told her i was in the shower and did not realize that he had drove himself. she said that was a poor excuse. what am i supposed to do? $200 a week doesnt seem fair at all for what i do around here...am i wrong in thinking this?

Hello all:

I am a crabby 80 year old guy caring for my 71 year old of wife. 2 strokes strokes (1997 and 2004) and now Parikinson' Diseased. She is can do nothing for her self, altho she can feed her self. I am so grateful for that. we will be celebrating our 35th year of marriage this July

What happens in or out of the house I do. I did have some help come in and that was a downner. They were more problem then help. I just praise God He has given me the body and mind that I can deal (cope to some of you) with it. We have been together daily, 24/7 for almost 5 years (or about 1800 continus days) with one exception of a 30 hour period when she was in the hospital.

If you are a woman reading this I do every thing you do as a house keeper (maybe I do more) except I can not be a grand mother. When she was ok the house was hers and she could change her mind. Now that I am the house keeper I can can change my mind and I do. I do tell her that when she is OK again she can have this woman's work back and allowed to change her mind. Darn this woman's work is hard work.

I am not a good cook (fair but not good) but I have not made any one sick. Cooking is so hard to think of what to have and I don't follow the rescipe well either.

I say I am a crabby old guy as that is what a lot of people think of old guys. I love my wife and feel privage to be able to care for her. I dread the day I out live her or dread just as much if she out lives me. I know that she could never get the care that I give to her.

One kid lives in town and he is a boy (38) and a little helpful, but causes me more work then not. We are teather by cell phone, thus I do not need to be in the same room all the time. It does give me the chance to go shopping and to just get out. Like when I get her in the tub she can sit and soak as long as she wants, and calls when ready to get out. Before the cell she would beat on the wall. If she was lucky I would hear her beating.

Am I bragging? Yes. I am happy to be caring for her and try to have humor and joy as much as possiable. We attend church weekly or more in the wheel chair and she does not like to make trips to the hospital, but I say "I don't either," but we go together.

Please excuse the length of this as there is no other place to brag about our life and think the reader will understand

One last thing. When we did some remodling on this 110 year old house I put the washer and dryer in the bath room. Not knowing I would be her caregiver. That has saved me.
I can undress, clean and etc and just put the clothing in the washer. We use 6 towels+ at night and right it to the washer. No hamper needed or drying of wet things.

Thank you for listening. Mike O'Shea, Miles City, Montana.

The most difficult (and yet rewarding) job has to be giving care to loved ones.

I founded a website called The Senior List (www.theseniorlist.com). I'd be very interested in your opinion of the site as a resource after you visit.

If you've had experiences with particular senior services in your community, you can help others out there by posting your experience on the website. It's a place for consumer to review and rate senior-focused businesses and services. It is free to both consumers and providers.

We talk about this all the time. It's not easy to be a caregiver especially these days. We bought a medic life alert system and it has given us extra peace of mind. I highly recommend these things.

On 11/30/08, the man I spoke about in my last post, passed away. I was full of fear in that last post. He ended up in Hospice care and went residential, as I couldn't care for him at home.
I figured out we were having relationship prblems because he was sick, even before we knew it.
This has been very hard, and now I'm missing him alot..

I never pictured myself in this dilema when I got into the relationship I've been in for 6 years. I have a lung cancer patient (stage 4) on the couch in my living room. He's six years younger then me, and has no family to help him. I'm at my wits end, I woek full time, and have been taking time off to transport him to and from various appointments and procedures. In September, I told him I wanted to end the relationship, and he was diagnosed the next day. I have been both nurse and purse now for two months. He isn't finacially responsible, which is why we never married. I'm trying so harf to do the right thing, but now he's getting mean...

A forum with nice motive.. Purposeful community has been gathered here. Caring and supporting are the two great qualities that one should have in the life time. Not only the elders but also everyone need it.

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My husband has had some "events" which have caused me such pain. He is not the same person I married five years ago. I am bereft and grieving. There is no one who understands what I am going through. My own son tells me to leave. How can I leave someone who gave me so much love?

I have been caring for my husband who has Alzheimers for 8 yrs. I am at the time of life where my health is important also, and my husband is draining me. The questions I have are when does a person say Enough is Enough, and how can I decide what to do now that I am in poor health also.? I had a Doctor in the Emergency Room say to me, "You are an Angel"
and I had no idea what he meant. He explained that since I have taken care of my husband for so long, I am an Angel. He said he didn't think many people could do what I have done.
I need someone to talk to now.
Thanks, Orcota

Hi my father is 72, is retired but works fulltime landscaping in the spring and summer with my brothers business. My father hasn't been to the doctor in 26 years but sleeps good, feels good, eats pretty good, isn't a stressful person and doesn't take any medication. My sister-inlaw and my mother tell him he should go to the doctor to get checked out. My father is italian and hard-headed and gets mad when they say that. I tell him and he even gets made at me. He seems to be fine and says if he ever feels bad enough he'll tell me his son to someday make an appointment for him. My question is should I, my mother and sister-law respect his wishes and leave him alone or should we force him to go get a checkup?

My grandmother was my best friend
growing up and the person I went to
for advice. Now she can't even speak
my name. She is in a nursing home
and I am the only one in our family
who is advocating for her care
(besides my mother). Because this has
been so utterly heartbreaking, I do not
want to see other families go through
what we have gone through so I am
trying to find sponsors for the
Alzheimer's Association walk to help
find a cure. Would you consider
making a donation? If so, please copy
and paste the following into your
browser:
http://alznyc.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?
=

LGREC20,...Sorry I don't see how caring for someone who doesn't believe they need a carer could be more difficult....the person who are trying to care for obviously treasures his independence and doesn't feel ready to give it up just yet. In this case your role should be one of lending support rather than physically doing things. However I know how frustrating it can be watching someone struggling when help is at hand,but that is something you have to come to terms with.Once you accept his need for some independence you should be able to talk to him about him recognising the limits of his capabilities and you can then sit back and let him get on with things and just be ready with a helping hand when he needs it.

Being a caregiver to someone
who doesn't believe he needs
one, is more difficult than
the actual job.

I have enjoyed the lessons on caregiving. The last time I did not keep up with them but this time I am.
I know for a fact, I am not alone. My entire office is starting to go thru this and we are going together. We compare notes. It keeps us sane.
Mom is 85 and her memory is going. She was so depressed over Dad's death in 1997; she still won't let go.
I know depression; high blood pressure; many other things can do a job on Memory.
She is a champion guilt tripper and never misses a chance to pull one.
She has very slanted selective memory trips.
I am learning to close my ears and ignore her completely in the room when she starts in or "Whatever" does a great trip back.
She knows that means No Way Jose~.
I write her checks, take her shopping, clean up around the house, get contractors over there to fix things and she turns them away. Excuses.
After she accepts one of them; I never hear the end of it because she says something is always wrong now.
I try to call once a day because I live over 50 miles away and work full time, own my own home, have 3 dogs and do volunteer work.
I try getting up to her once a week and she refuses to come to my home.
I'm glad I have a support system to help keep me sane.

How true...
and funnily enough,that's why I had to look up the lyrics..basically to check that i hadn't misheard them.lol

my dog yesterday evening,I was listening to some music and a song sung by Joe Cocker came on entitled Standing Knee Deep in a River and I was particularly struck by some of the lyrics which went..
"Friends I could count on,I could count on one hand with a left over finger or two.I took them for granted and let them all slip away,now where they are I wish I knew.
They roll by just like water and I guess we never learn.Go through life parched and empty,standing knee dep in a river and dying of thirst".

I discoverd this morning that these words were written by Don Williams and I now wonder what inspired them becuase in the context of recent messages here they are so true to life...

my problem is not keeping her entertained indoors,she has her crafts (card making and ceramics)to do that..I can even get her to go out,as long as it is to do shopping and on a limited budget as we are,that is not always an option.
Quite simply the problem is getting her to go and visit our friends and as a consequence we have lost contact with more than a few of them,I know or believe,that in most cases they would welcome us with open arms but trying to be understanding of the wife's problems they are awaiting us to make the first move..
I know the only real answer to this is to keep trying to encourage the wife to move but it ain't working out that easy...but thanks for allowing me the space to clear my chest,so to speak...

Thanks for the advice Oisseau,as it happens I've always contented myself with walking my dog of an evening which brings me into contact with other dog owners and 2 weeks ago I started doing a computer course which gets me away for 2 hours once a week...In the past when i've tried to find activities to give me a break it has always come to an end following her incessant nagging(life is never easy is it???..lol)about me being away but this time i'm determined to see it through..

I found an awesome planner and organization tool I just wanted to let you know about. I was totally impressed with it to say the least, with the beauty of its organization and design.  I want to share this with all, since it has provided me help in multitude ways and can help any caregiver or families. It explains that it was designed to be a source of stability and comfort in the event of an emergency, or the day-to-day stress of dealing with health issues. It has a software version you can use to create a complete medical history electronic profile to be carried by you or your loved one. I hope everyone takes this to heart. Their website is www.theguidetogoodcare.com  I pray this can help others as it did for me.

I haven't checked back here for a few days and just saw your message. It sounds (reads) like your responsibilities are like my husband's although I can one-handed care for myself like dressing and washing myself in the shower as I sit on a shower stool. We do not socialize becaause neither of us craves it but each have a computer and while my husband likes to watch TV I prefer to read. I applaud your quilting Have you tried to find a caregiver's support group? Your wife's doctor may know where you can contact one. Also AARP can suggest support groups.
Good luck to you,

Being a caregiver is a large burden which I experienced many years ago when I became my mother's "mother". On the other hand it can also be difficult to be the one being cared for which I learned after having a stroke which left me partly disabled 10 years ago. I have seen both sides of the caregiving situation which has given me a broad understanding of the emotions those involved experience.
Summer,
Some of us here understand.