Q: Dear Francine,
My mother just turned 97! and after a lot of snafus, my sister and I are working together harmoniously to take care of her. Speaking for myself, I have to put the past away, really away, to face and resolve present challenges with our extremely elderly parent. She's still reading, going to the theater, walking on a walker, so we are fortunate.
The caretakers pose a different challenge. My sister and I don't agree on the proper boundaries. We have twoa full-timer and a relief person. They are both lovely, competent and warm. (Again, after much trial and error.) Sometimes, the bond that has formed between the main caretaker and my mother feels a bit disturbing, a bit symbiotic. she is loving and cloying and it's a bit hard to tell how much of the loving part of the connection is opportunistic. She calls my mother "darling." My sister's inclination is not to interfere--she lives nearby and is grateful for the respite--I worry more about the caretaker's judgment on some things and where the professional boundary should be. She is my mother's employee after all. Advice?
Carol
New York City
A: Dear Carol,
You dont appear to be worried about the caregiver stealing from your mother or tricking her into signing a will in her favor, so I presume that you have placed safeguards to make sure this does not happen or that is not your concern. You speak of an employee/employer relationship, but I dont think that adequately describes what occurs between a frail old woman and the person on whom she depends for her most intimate needs, things she can no longer do for herself. Would you feel the same way about a nanny who cares for your small children? Or a nurse who tends a patient whos alone in a hospital, frightened, or in pain?
