Feeling guilty about not doing enough, or not taking care of loved ones with enough patience and compassion, are common feeling expressed by even the most devoted and conscientious caregivers. The daily stress a caregiver endures can also be enormous because in many instances were also trying to take care of other members of our family, a job, or routine daily responsibilities. In fact, the second most common feeling expressed by caregivers after exhaustion is guilt. But as we all know guilt gets us nowhere. It can be destructive, and even contribute to exhaustion. Or as the not so-humorous saying goes, Guilt is the gift that keeps on taking away.
Yet, few of us are immune to the feelings of guilt. We think no matter how much we already do, we could do better.
So, what can we do to tame these feelings? Here are ten tips that may help you release your guilt:
Understand that youre under extraordinary pressure, so when feelings of anger and resentment well up, know they are not uncommon for caregivers.
If youre worried that youre not spending enough time with your loved ones, remember that its quality time not quantity that really makes the difference. Think of ways you can improve the quality of your time together. Just spending time reminiscing or reading aloud, for example, may mean more to them than cleaning their kitchen or delivering a home-cooked meal.
Make your priorities clear. You cant do everything for everyone and dont think you can. Make a daily list of the things that are most important. By establishing priorities - and allowing some flexibility for the unexpected - you can help ensure that the most important needs are met and the most important tasks get done. Dont overdo. Set limits. If constant demands are being made on you by your caregiving responsibilities and youre clearly feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, acknowledge it. Then learn to say no. By setting limits and standing behind them, you can help reduce the guilt trips that come when you cant meet every demand. If you cant offer hands-on care for whatever reason (emotional or physical or practical) feeling guilty wont help. Instead, find ways of providing different kinds of attention whether thats cleaning the home or sending care packages. Maybe youre more comfortable chipping in to pay for an outside caregiver. Thats okay. Try not to think about your caregiving responsibilities as pay-back because youll never be able to do that especially if youre caring for an elderly parent who was always there for you when you were growing up. Try to think of offering care out of love not debt. Let go of resentment. What if your parent was less than kind to you when you were a child and youve been nursing years of anger about your childhood? Well, theres no way these feelings wont impact your resentment and then the guilt over your feelings of resentment. Holding a grudge wont help. Speak to a friend, family member therapist and try to work these emotions out. Robin Westen is ThirdAges medical reporter. Check for her daily updates. She is the author of Relationship RepairSee what others have to say about this story or leave a comment of your own.
