Dating & Singles Advice

Relationship Give and Take

Let's be honest -- one of the reasons you are in a relationship is because you want to get something out of it. Of course, what that "something" is can be very varied. But you don't stay in a relationship unless you're getting something from it. As a matter of fact, there's a theory which states that someone will continue a relationship as long as the benefits outweigh the costs. Once the costs are greater than the rewards, the partnership ends. Many couples have the belief that the relationship will be equal. This, in fact, is an incorrect expectation. When you think this way, you are likely to function with a mental scorecard only to be disappointed frequently. More…

Relationship Red Flags

If you have been a reader of my posts, then you know that I often tell you that good relationships are quite rewarding -- but in order to have one, you have to work at it. Today, I want to address some of the ways to know if the person you're meeting will even make a good candidate with whom to have a relationship. I've also cautioned you, as the reader, that a person is unlikely to change once they're in a partnership. Who you see is who you are going to get. And for sure, you don't have the right to expect to change the person. Why you get in trouble But there are indicators to help you make a decision -- yes, those "red flags." More…

Relationship Mechanic

It’s so interesting to me that many times, as people, we do things that really make no sense.  In the past, I’ve spoken about how you’re willing to spend lots and lots of time checking out which jeans to buy or which computer will really suit you.  But you don’t spend nearly the same amount of energy exploring if you should speak to a professional about your own personal psychological health or that of your relationship. Here’s another analogy that boggles the mind (at least mine):  Some of you pamper your autos by washing it and cleaning it out.  Most of you will make sure that you take your car for regular maintenance check-ups.  Or, at the very least, you are diligent that your car runs smoothly be changing the oil.   More…

Lessons for Each Gender – Part 2

In last week’s post, I discussed the fact that I’m always learning from the couples with whom I work.  What is ever so clear is that teaching couples a basic understanding of one another and educating them about skills is of the utmost importance.  So many partners are feeling disappointed or disconnected from one another but don’t have a road map of how to reconnect. In Part 1, I spoke about women needing to be aware (or needing to remember) that men process information differently.  They tend to do so slower.  Therefore, a woman may get frustrated or feel like a man is non-responsive when, in fact, he’s still taking the information in. And now for the men More…

A Stitch in Time …

As I’ve often said before, one of the most important concerns to any of us is the relationship we have with our mate.  Unfortunately, it hasn’t been until recent years that it was realized that most people don’t know what’s needed in order to sustain a truly happy and healthy partnership.   Somehow, it was assumed that people would just know how to be in love -- or, perhaps more accurately, that if you were in love, that was all that was needed.  To help further this fantasy, people turned to movies, books, and songs to get a better sense of what love should “look like.”  And now, sadly, our divorce rate hovers around 50%. New awareness More…

Tips for Truly Intimate Relationships

Certainly when you go into a long-term relationship with a mate, you’re hoping that you’ve found someone with whom you share the same values and think that you’ll have a lot in common.  You believe that this is, among so many other available people, the person who will best meet your needs and mesh with who you are. More…

A Simple Solution for a Long-Standing Relationship Problem

As I have so often reminded this readership, having been in private practice as long as I have, there are many recurring themes in the couples I see.  One of these patterns is the frustration experienced by women that her mate will not take responsibility when he has done something wrong. I must confess that as a woman, aside from being a psychologist, I have felt the same way in my own marriage.  However, something recently happened that was an “Aha” moment for my husband of almost 34 years.  I wanted to share it with you since I really do feel it can be a simple solution for so many others. The root of the problem More…

Building a Solid Foundation

Not only am I a relationship expert, but I am very committed to trying to help couples make their marriages work.  To be honest, I guess part of it comes from the fact that I played this role as a little girl between my own parents.  And, in reality, when parents do choose to divorce, their children will ask, “Wasn’t I important enough to you for you to try to work it out?” More…

A Nuance in Handling Conflicts

I've been practicing as a psychologist specializing in relationships for a very long time. And after so many years, though the particulars of each couples' situation will vary, there are several themes that do get repeated. One of the more common ones is the frustration a woman will feel when there's a problem because her mate is likely not to want to talk about it. Of course, there can be variations on this theme; it can range from an unwillingness to discuss the matter at all (stonewalling) to being open to talking about it -- but generally only for a short time. How it plays out More…

Connecting Dots to All the Wrong Places

I'm very fortunate -- I love my work! Not only do I feel a real sense of purpose when I help people but I truly find it fascinating. Trying to understand people's emotions and what brings them to respond as they do is like a big puzzle. Of course, sometimes that puzzle becomes very frustrating ... because people have connected the dots in a way that makes perfect sense to them and therefore lead them to act the way they do. But the truth of the matter is that the sense is only in their mind. I've often mentioned in this post that when I experience the same situation a couple of times in close proximity, I believe it's meant to show me a lesson. I think I'm supposed to expose this phenomenon to help others perhaps learn from it. This time for sure More…