The difference between a want and a need is that you can get along without a want, but a need is what you must have to feel fulfilled. This is how you feel after you eat a nutritious diet instead of eating junk food, and when you do whats difficult for you, rather than take the easy way out of a challenging situation.
No doubt there were times in the past when you were glad you did not get what you wanted, since that was not what you needed. For example, you were madly in love with someone, and when that didnt work out you were crushed. When you came to your senses you realized you had nothing in common with that person. Or you had to have the latest style of clothing, and the following year those clothes went out of fashion. You wanted a promotion only to discover that job was not what was best for you.
Needs are hard to identify
Wouldnt life be simple if you had been born with a list of needs tied to your umbilical cord, like the care tag on a plant in a nursery? Give this individual this at this age and that at that age, and it will grow; and dont give this person that at all, or it will wither away. Of course this presumes your parents and caretakers would have followed expert advice.
Fortunately, you are the plant and the gardener who can make sure you get what you need to grow to your full potential. However, embarrassment about having needs can be an obstacle. For example, when one of my clients said he was frustrated in his work, I asked him to put the word creativity on his list of needs. When he looked embarrassed I said, Aha, I think we just discovered a need.
Mike felt uncomfortable with describing himself as creative because self-expression was okay for artists, but not for a hard-nosed sales executive who had a family to feed. This is an example of how denial of needs stunts personal and professional growth.When I defined creativity as the ability to use his imagination to develop new and original ideas, Mike realized he was being creative when he built sales territories.The start-up phase really excites me, Mike said. I like using my casual communication style to connect with my customers. They always tell me they look forward to my sales calls. I dont know why I couldnt see this as being creative. Ive got to put that need first in what I do next.Mikes next job was working for companies that needed his creativity to build their sales forces. He also wrote a sales manual that stressed the value of identifying customers needs.I never thought Id get paid to teach others about needs. Mike said, and we both laughed.Maslows Hierarchy of NeedsTo his surprise, Mike learned that satisfying his need for creativity led to fulfillment and money, whereas preventing gratification kept him stuck at a level lower than his capability. This happy ending is similar to what psychologist Abraham Maslow discovered when he studied what he called self-actualized people.
Maslow portrayed his theory of human motivation as a pyramid of needs that must be met if individuals were to reach their full potential, with survival and safety needs at the bottom and self-actualization needs at the tip of the triangle. Basic needs, as well as love and esteem needs had to be met before a person could act unselfishly. These people were rare because their actions were based on the desire to give without expecting a return. Ironically, these relaxed, content individuals received the most out of life.To discover what you need as opposed to what you want, make a list of what would make you feel good about yourself. Begin with survival, safety and security needs, then love and esteem needs, such as self-respect and a sense of belonging. If you feel embarrassed about having needs, think of who besides you would benefit when these needs are met. When you feel the pleasure that comes from helping others improve their lives, as an example, how will this affect the people who know them? Watch Out for Self-Denial and Ridicule You may not have had your needs met when you were young, or even in more recent times. In fact, some family members, spouses or partners may make fun of you for having needs, especially if they expect you to meet their needs. To cope with emotional deprivation, and the fear of losing these relationships, you pretend you dont have needs.
Ridicule is the chief enemy of self-expression because contempt destroys self-confidence, the ability to ask for what you need without shame or embarrassment. So be careful when and with whom you talk about your hearts desire. Many a wonderful idea has died at birth because of critics who ridiculed others need to innovate and improve. To counter negative messages about your worth, give up the martyr role. And stay away from people who are threatened by growth, their pessimism will drag you down. Instead, associate with people who like to improve things, not just for themselves but also for the customers or clients they serve. These healthy people will encourage you to keep moving up Maslows triangle until you are paid to be the best you can be.Nancy Anderson is a career and life consultant based in the San Francisco Bay Area and the author of the best selling career guide, Work with Passion. Her new book, Work with Passion in Midlife and Beyond is available in online and retail bookstores. Her website is workwithpassion.com. Send questions about your career and life goals to nancy@workwithpassion.com.
