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'Mr. Wrong' Is Worth Dating, Too

Posted by Rachel Safier on July 11, 2008 11:47 AM
The light at the end of the dating tunnel doesn't have to be the glinting reflection of an engagement ring.

Fact is, there doesn't even have to be any light.

"Dating is fun. If the guy doesn't stick around forever, it helps with your own evolution, and we should look at dating in a different way," said Rachel Safier, who waded back into the dating pool three years ago when her impending nuptials were canceled two weeks before her wedding day.

"The first take-away message from me is to really go with my gut. What got me into trouble was not listening to those very strong feelings inside me that it was wrong," said Safier, author of Mr. Right Now: When Dating Is Better Than Saying 'I Do' (Jossey-Bass, 2004).

She drew on her own dating experiences as well as those of women she interviewed for There Goes the Bride (Jossey-Bass, 2003), the book she wrote in the wake of her canceled wedding.

"I went off on dating as an adventure. I'm going to have to be 300 percent sure if I'm going to get married. It's been easier to meet guys, I'm not taking things so seriously, things didn't impact so strongly," she said.

"I no longer feel the need when I break up with somebody to have a box of tissues and some Ben and Jerry's."

Her aim is to help women understand that dating is an end in itself, not just a means to meet Mr. Right.

"I didn't imagine my life would be what it is now. I'm having a wonderful time. I think only good can come from letting go of really strong notions of the way things should be and letting your life unfold from there," she said.

Women miss too many opportunities to meet interesting men while they're waiting for Mr. Right, Safier believes.

"I'm not saying turn away from marriage. I'm saying, whatever happens will happen. There's a great deal of happiness in all kinds of relationships, in what life can be."

To that end, Safier introduces a number of "Mr."s she and the women she interviewed have dated. Among them:

  • Mr. Best Friend: "My best male friends are wonderful for a million reasons. You bounce off ideas about what guys think about this or that. All the guys I know have strong female friends, and that's very valuable to them."

  • Mr. Funny: ("If pushed to limit myself to just one Mister, I'd go with Mr. Funny," she writes.) "I feel best when I'm laughing, making somebody else feel funny. Somebody who's really smart, the kind of intelligence that translates into a quick wit -- that's funny to me."

  • Mr. Brainy: "I dated a guy recently who was reading Dostoevski. When I went to his house, I found out it was in original Russian. That's very exciting to me. I'm extremely turned on by guys who are smart."

  • Mr. Not: "For me it was a guy who became very religious. He now lives in Israel. That was hugely important to me in that it showed me who I am vs. what I'm not. You spend time with somebody who doesn't really get what you need and it can only show you want you do really need. The few months I spent with him were incredibly valuable in figuring out what part I want religion to play in my life."

  • Mr. Dangerous: "It's the thrill of the danger without being the one who breaks the rule. You're one degree removed, experiencing something without harming yourself, warming your hands by the fire without really setting it. I'm sorry for anybody who settles down without having a Mr. Dangerous."

  • Mr. Almost: "He's Mr. Penultimate. A lot of women said it showed them they could get to the precipice of dedicating their life to someone, then realizing he wasn't the right person and having the courage to walk away or be strong when he walked away. Every single woman in the first book said although it was the hardest thing they went through, it was worthwhile."

    Rachel Safier's Web site is theregoesthebride.com.

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