The relationship questions asked most frequently of counselors are all basically the same. First people will explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate these behaviors or whether they are making too big an issue of them.There are, in fact, certain behaviors that should not be tolerated because they damage-- and will eventually destroy-- the relationship.If you are in a brand new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want toc onsider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache and heartache then you bargained for.If you are in a committed relationship and are committed to staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort and your heart into the relationship, it may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to magnify issues rather than diminish them.Finally, if you are married, you want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.
1. Excessive Flirtation
People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable.
Here is the measuring stick: If your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches, the flirtation is OK. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered. This is, of course, assuming that you are not overly insecure and that you do not view any interaction your partner has with others as flirting.
2. Man/Woman Watching
When your partner watches another man or woman, especially blatantly, it becomes a relationship problem. You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not have to learn to get over this and you should not have to learn to tolerate this inconsiderate behavior.
3. Infidelity
Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with yourp artner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.
4. Another Relationship
OK, I know people get involved with those who are already inanother relationship with the hope that they will "win" and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens. If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the-relationship-date by which your partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.
5. Romantic Contact From Other People Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And whywould the other person in the relationship tolerate this?I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibility for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones and e-mail.You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or if your partner is going to cheat. Both may happen next.6. Frequent Reactive or Angry Behaviors Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.
7. 'It's All Your Fault' Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship.However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another that it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.Master Certified Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries coaches singles to attract and build loving, fulfilling, long-term relationships. For more information about Coach Rinatta Paries and the myriad of services she has created for singles, visit her Web site, WhatItTakes.com.
