Discussion
Help! How soon do I divulge information????
Posted 8/21/08 1:16 AM
Help! How soon do I divulge information????
Hi All. I have been dating a very nice man for close to 3 months now. I have been following the Rules pretty closely- I never call, stay mysterious, very busy, etc. He has mentioned dating exclusively, I have met his parents and his friends. Things are going very well and he responds to the Rules beautifully.
I was divorced a littleover a year ago and have two small children. My ex-husbands business collapsed during the divorce process and I ended up having to file bankruptcy. How soon do I need to mention this? New boyfriend knows virtually nothing about my ex-husband ot the details of our divorce.
Also, I moved in with my Mom post divorce for help with the kids (now 2 & 5). New boyfriend knows very little about my living situation as well. One time he asked me if I owned or rented the house and my response was that my mother owned the home and I pay her rent (all true). He has not yet met my kids, so he does not expect to come inside the house when he picks me up or drops me off. I actually suspect that he realizes that my mom lives there by a couple of comments that he has made, but I am not positive.
I feel like I am lying by omission. He is a great guy and I would hate to make him think that I misrepresented myself. My finances and my living situation have never been directly addressed by him- other than the question of whether or not I owned the home that I live in. Do I need to say something? How the heck does one go about bringing this sort of thing up?
Thanks for any advise you guys can give.
Posted 11/14/09 3:55 PM
do not feel too guilty
If he brings it up you can be honest but, do not have to devulge every personal detail. Do not feel too guilty because you do have to protect yourself. You do not have to air all your dirty laundry until you feel comfortable.
As you become more serious he will naturally want to know more about you and your situation. If he truly cares about you and loves you, your past will not matter to him.
Posted 12/15/08 6:28 PM
Depends
How old are you? Just curious, as you seem to be really immature and withhold yourself (who you are) seemingly at all costs. Are you ashamed of yourself and your life?
It sounds like you actually like this poor schmuck cuz you are feeling guilty about not being forthcoming with him. He is simply being respectful of you by not inquiring. If he only knew that you were just playing him like a game. . . . I say you should get over yourself and start being real with this guy. Get rid of that Rules crap. He will probably run away and detest you when he finds out that you have been gaming him all along with that phony baloney Rules manipulation, lies, and pretense.
If you are serious about this guy and you expect there to be a real relationship, you need to start being authentic and open, the sooner the better. So far, you are just manipulating him and looking to hook and entrap him into a marriage under false pretenses and fraudulent circumstances. Get real.
Posted 09/06/08 11:32 AM
WOW!!!
Hello Bondgirl72
Three months is not really a long time. Divulging personal information should be on a need to know basis. You are a mother of young children, which should always be your first priority. You and the children are first. Dating is like the gravy on the potatoes, you can take it or leave it, but it is fun to do... (smile) If he asks, answer honestly. Lying never help any relationship... However, remember most men to not ask lots of personal questions on dates (men are not nosey like that) UNLESS they like you (and you have been dating awhile) OR they have other untrustworthy motives. Listen with your heart and not out of disperation... Finances should only be discussed when you are headed down the road to marriage. Know this, if a man really cares for you, he will open up to you as well... Understand, your children, finances or your living situation cannot change his mind, if he wants to share his life with you. Have fun with dating... Do not treat every man as a potential mate, even after 6 months, just enjoy them!!! (smile)
Take Care
Posted 09/05/08 10:24 PM
Guys aren't that concerned about ths stuff.
At least most of the ones that I know aren't. Either they want to marry us and take care of us (and then they don't mind if you don't have a lot, because a man who loves you loves to take care of you and your children) or they are just going out for fun (and then they don't really care because it won't come into play if they don't get involved deeply in your life.) If he does care about this issue, then he's more practical then romantic, which I don't see too much in men, and then he might ask you about it. I'd be honest if he does ask.
KJ
Posted 08/31/08 12:15 PM
Good grief!
How is he ever going to get to know you if you don't let him? Suppose he meets your kids and mom and loses interest. That's something you need to know about him! The fact that you're hiding things may mean you aren't comfortable with them yourself. Give the guy a chance and reveal your life to him. You may be pleasantly surprised! If not, you might as well know now.
Posted 08/23/08 1:48 PM
Bondgirl
Good for you for starting out so rulesy. Keep it up.
I agree with the others. He does not need to know any of these things unless you are marrying him. Even if he asked you now, it is none of his business. I would just allude the question and change the subject.
Do not feel guilty either. At this point your still in the really fun stage of dating, why get all heavy with this stuff.
Also, hold off on exclusivity for as long as possible. Three months can be a turning point in dating. Ever hear of the 90 day wonder?
Keep doing what your doing. You should be dating others. Have fun and keep evaluating his character to see if he is the man for you.
Posted 08/31/08 12:21 PM
You mean the night before
You mean the night before the wedding, have a big confession session? How fair is that to him and how fair is it to her? Three months of dating you should have at least gotten to what your living situations are. They need to get acquainted! Have they even asked each other if they are married? Ye Gods!
Posted 08/21/08 4:58 PM
need to know basis
he has no need to know unless you are planning to get married or make a major purchase together
Posted 08/21/08 4:43 PM
Bondgirl
Hello, you do not need to bring up any of this information until he asks outright and then ony if you feel comfortable with discussing this with him.
Your financial situation is really none of his concern unless he proposes and wants to discuss combining your financial situation.
It sounds like everything is going well - don't worry until it happens. I have been dating my bf for about 11 months and while he is aware that I am financially self sufficient with two children he still does not know exact details of my financial situation.
Just enjoy the dating and child free time - as much as we love our children, being treated like a special adult is precious!
Posted 08/21/08 4:26 PM
When he asks the questions...
...you just answer truthfully, until then there's no need to say anything. Oh and when he does start asking personal questions you'll know he's really keen on you and you should get a positive response from him.
Good luck for the future.
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