Salon

Hi, There is a little thing lovingly called 'dance goggles' - when you dance with a man who dances really well, they seem much more attractive for some reason! Don't worry about getting caught up in him, from what I understand it is quite normal.

Say yes and dance with the guy - at least it gets you on the dance floor and then more guys will ask you - I never say no (unless the guy is really awful)

There were several men in the beginners class I attended. My bf only came that night on bank holidays. He asked me to dance the first time he saw me - I said yes even though I was a terrible dancer. Then I did not see him again until I moved up into the intermediate class.

He made a point of always asking me to dance as soon as the music went on. Then after a couple of weeks started trying to arrange a date - it took about a month to arrange.

After that we saw each other at Salsa (I went with my friend) and then he arranged a date night every week. We have been dating a year now.

It was/is not strict rules but it was easy and comfortable. Also he is a very kind, sweet man.

We are now in the more tricky negotiation stage where we are both evaluating what we need to take our relationship further and looking much closer at each other's personal traits

I keep FB to true friends only. It was this guy and me only at this dance place so it was very hard to not dance with him. A friend said I needed to figure out why I got so caught up and I started looking at my life and how I could be happy with me, myself, and I. So that's the next goal for me.

This guy kept wanting to see me out of town. He also tried again to FB friend me after I kicked him off a week ago. It did feel like he was trying to get the benefits w/o the work. If I see him again at a REAL dance club with others around (not a studio), should I dance with him or say "I'm not comfortable?"

How did you meet your BF in such a sticky situation? Is it that he followed The Rules outside of the dance floor and it bloomed from there?

Hi Its Leonette.

I go to Salsa a lot,it is where I met my bf,but I would say that there are a lot of guys I know who go because they like female company, they can be a man and have the interaction with never actually getting involved.

Treat this man just as a dance partner - expect no more that a couple of nice dances, go to as many socials as you can - you'll meet loads of nice people there, men and women. He can only act like you are with him if you let him - at socials dance no more than two dances with him, be open and receptive and don't say no to anyone else!

I don't know anything about Facebook but from what I understand it is very hard to be rulesy on there.

This has gotten to the point where I want to say tothis guy "What do you want from me? If you're not single then give me a chance to meet someone and don't try to meet me out of town because it will look like I am with you! Why can't you just ask me out for coffee here?"

I forgot to say this. The night I met him (before the facebook request) he makes it a point to tell me early on that his is a "Bachelor". He worked it into the conversation on the dance floor in the first 20 minutes.

This whole thing has me a bit sick and seriously confused. Please help!!!

Help me,. please! Here is my situation...

About two months ago, I met a guy salsa dancing at a dance studio that had few dancers. It was only him and I that night, in fact. I really really liked him. I think the owner called him to come in and dance with me about an hour into the dance but that's just a suspicion.

The owner is trying to get his studio off the ground, so it would behoove him to have me happy, espeicaly since I have been talking to this guy off and on for a few months about marketing (I can't help it..I love to dance!) So it might help this guy if I was around.

So dance guy and I kind of hit it off. Three days later, dance guy Facebooks me. The studio owner already had me on Facebook two weeks earlier. I accept. WHen I finally see his FB, it says "in a relationship". I flipped out and was upset for an evening but said nothing to nobody. The next evening, I look on FB and in the notes they broadcast to everyone as status updates, I see that "Dance guy is now listed as single". Maybe he forgot to change it or just got out of a relp? He has a post from his sis asking what was up with his single status.

I see dance guy next weekend and it's the same Saturday night scenario. This guy looks at me like he is making out with me with his eyes. Still, he doesn't ask me out or anything. I start falling for this turkey. I split for a week and come back again when I know he won't be there. Again, only two other people show up.

This guy is invovled in the dance community and since we have been talking about how much we want to start a dance community here (which there isn't much here) I feel like I should invite him to join a small group and myself to dance at a local bar. I send him a FB email. He replies back saying he would love to but can't due to a work obligation (totally valid). I reply back that I think what he is doing is cool (it was..working with kids) and no problem.

He goes away to a dance event and posts on my FB when he gets back that he had a great time and I should go next year. I post back that I would LOVE to hear all about it! SOunds like fun! (It did). He posts back that it was fun and a few diff parts of it were explained. I left it at that. In the meantime, he posts again, asking me if i am going back to this dance place. I say I wasn't sure.

I started feeling weird because here is this guy who is not asking me out, looking atme this way, and wanting my Saturday nights. There is a dance event out of town...he is going...he wants to know if I was going to go. He asks again about another out of town event. Still, no phone number request.

Since he last said in our first communication to "keep him informed" about dance events, I send him a rather short email saying there are these bands coming up at this bar about 30 miles out of town. We are in the same dance community and I said in the email "you said keep me informed". Sent the email and heard nothing.

I see the guy doing little things like really listening to what I have to say. I feel like he is really attracted to me. He is in his late 30's and never married. Still not sure if he has a GF. I have been really upset about this. My instict is freaked out.

He asks again on FB on Wed if I am going to the dance place and he will be out of town and might not be back in time "but I'll try". I post nothing back and don't go this Saturday.

I disappear again for another weekend. He sends me an email on FB saying how much of a good time he had out of town and that he would really like to go to the two events at this relatively local bar and that he was taking lessons at a college. Then he asks me how my job is going and how another aspect of my job is going.

That was our last communication. I haven't responded. I have been really really really upset about this. I even had a friend look at his FB page (nuts, I know) wondering if he had a girlfriend. I couldn't see any sign of one.

My crazy idea is that the dance studio owner and he know eachother (onthe night we met, the studio owner really tried to push us together, stalled me saying "this guy is coming and you will really like him!" and said "someone once to dance with you" when he got there).

My thought is this guy has a girlfriend and the studio owner, in order to increas business, is trying to get me to stick around and is asking him to play this part. The studio owner changed his Saturday night dances from two kinds of dances to just one (the one that we both love to do so much) and is trying to get a group started.

I have been crying, and journaling and sobbing and thinking way toomuch about this. My insticint says that if a guy doesn't ask a woman out, it's with good reason. This guy seems a bit immature in some ways. Still, I wonder if maybe I am wrong based on my suspicions.

I got it in my head that Iwas going to dump him from FB. He doesn't yet know the other dance people I know and if he doesn't go out to this relatively local club, he will probably never know them which would keep me free. But what if I'm wrong about this guy?

Also, if I dump him from FB and don't answer his email and he DOES go to this club (because of me, he already knows about it) then what can I say? If I ever accused him of having a GF, he would know I like him. He could say "it's just dancing". What would I say if I run into him? Idon't plan on going back to that studio again. And I haven't answered his nice email.

What's really going on here? Any ideas? This has been bothering me BIG time and I need to disconnect this guy this weekend if that's what I need to do, before he meets others. He might do that anyway but I can at least not encourage it. Am I thinking straight or what is really going on here? Help! I can't see straight.

Hey chicky! i thought that was your new name!! its cute!

Welllll, it turns out that I wasn't the only one thinking about not getting anything else with dinner lol he brought it up the day after i posted here about it. So I think he's thinking about getting me a tiny present but i told him not to worry about it, since he put a lot of effort into the night. And then he brought up marriage talk again, and that he recently went to a jewelry store on his lunch! i tried to say no marriage for this girl but he wouldnt buy it, but it's always been him that has brought it up.

Glad you 2 are getting to see each other more! I'm sure he will live in any house just to be with you! Love the psychic msg! I hope she's right! :)

Hi Sexsiangel

I am not too sure about the present thing. I too, was a little disappointed not to get a little bit of gold however, my guy bought me dancing shoes. I broke my foot a few years ago and sometimes Salsa makes it ache - so in some ways although it was not a romantic present but it was thoughtful!

It sounds like your guy went out of his way to do something that you would love even though he was not particularly keen himself.

Update on the psychic thing - I went to an evening with the lady I have been to see before. There were approximately 200 people there and she picked me out and told me even though I had said I would never do it again there would be a ring on my finger by the end of the year. Hmm, still not sure, lol!

We are coming to our year's anniversary too but due to us both having children at home it is a little more complicated than just which house are we going to live in (mine, of course!). I have made one consession though - we finally see each other 3 nights a week!

got a few updates since i last posted and maybe some concerns...

Ok my last post was my bday present. my guy took me to an amusement park for my birthday and went on the rides for me, since he doesn't like going on rides ever. we had a ton of fun together! :D Anyways, he paid admission (full price), lunch, even tried to win me a stuffed animal. He was a bit late on the card (only a day) and actually ended up getting me the same card I had bought him, somehow he didn't remember. Was this a good enuf present?

Then 2 days later, my cousin and I went to see my psychic (leonnette knows about this) and my psychic said i would be engaged by christmas or early 2009 (sept 1st was our 1 yr, more on that later). i have all my sessions taped so i can reference them later. anyway, my guy listened to the tape (somehow i forgot she told me the engagement part) and he was surprised as I was when he heard it... so ladies keep your eyes open for an engagement announcement IF it happens lol. (a note on my cousin, she has started rereading the rules again and is not contacting the guy she wants to date unless he steps up the rules way! but i'll be proud of her when she actually starts doing the rules as if her life depends on it)

Anyways, back on topic... September 1st was our 1 year anniversary, and if I had doubts about the birthday present, than I'm not anymore, but with one question. Ok so he had the night planned for about a month. He even kept it a surprise until we arrived at the fancy restaurant in downtown Toronto. He had made reservations at the 360 Restaurant, the restaurant at the top of the CN tower that makes a full 360 while you dine. Now we're talking big bucks for dinner. The bill came to about $200. I had an amazing time, especially since I never thought I'd ever get to go, let alone find a guy who would want to go there with me!

So my concern is, a whole year has gone by and not one piece of jewelry for me to wear as a sign of his love for me. Is that weird? Am I wrong? I hope I don't sound like a gold digger, cuz I'm not in any way. As much fun as the CN tower was amazing to go to, I think I would have been equally as happy with something small to wear everyday.

Any advice?

Hi ladies

I've set up a new forum for us DG forum there's just 2 of us keeping it going at the moment, but if you want to join us, be glad to hear from you...(miss you all - hugs)

Yep...this sounds pretty bad...

You say he treats you right "otherwise"? Really are you sure about that? Just think about that statement.

I've been through this before so I understand completely what you are going through.

If he thinks marriage is stupid then that means he is not that into you and doesnt want to marry you. Sorry...that is just the facts. Have you read "He's Just Not that Into You?" Please read it. Your boyfriend is one of the examples in that book.

As far as throwing women in front of your face he sounds very immature as well as insecure. If you want to deal with that, then that is on you, but I would do what the book says.

You pull back and give him DISTANCE. No long crying explanations of why...just pull back. Do you really want to be around someone that treats you like this?

Unfortunately I've been on this board long enough and broken enough rules and been with enough wrong men to see where this relationship is going.

Its not going to go anywhere.

He is not treating you like his DreamGirl, and we all know what DreamGirls are treated like.

You are to be cherished, loved supported...he is to treat you like a delicate flower and your Dream Man would be dying to marry you. Men that say "marriage is stupid" is simply saying "I dont want to marry YOU"

I hope it all works out for the best, but this is like deja vu. I've been in these rlsps before.

Pull back and start doing the rules. Possibly consider dating others and dumping him. You dont have time to waste if he does not want to get his act together sweetie. You want to get married right? What are you going to do, convince this guy that you are the right girl for him and that you two should be married? That is not the way it goes.

Hope it all goes well and good luck!

sounds like a redflag if he thinks marriage is stupid remember you are not suppose to bring up marriage HE IS Suppose to I would just ignore it and pretend like Caeser's wife that you didn't hear him mention marriage. oh by the way like caeser's wife the saying means innocent.

So the guy I am dating seems to love to dangle the bait of other women in my face all the time. I am happy with him otherwise, but this seems to be something he likes to do often, sometimes he will mention that he saw some beatiful woman, or that a woman he is working with is cute, or that he likes young women.He sais it when he is with me in front of others.

He sais it in jest, and sometimes emphasizes that he is joking, but I find it really disrespectful and rude. I find that I am putting up with it, and it is irritating to me.

He is otherwise treating me well. Taking me out, paying, calling all the time,etc..I am really trying not to talk about this with him and make a big deal, and hopefully you girls would be able to advise me before I make any mistakes.

Should I ignore it? What do you think?

He is also saying that he thinks marriage is stupid, so I wanted to ask him about that, but, I know it is so unrulesy.

Help!!

Thank you for your posts!!!
It makes sense, I will go there occasionally.
Sometimes the rules are confusing.
I guess the idea is to always make sure he is willing to put effort forth to keep the relationship going, (with calls, visits,etc) as long as that is happening and he is treating you well, you can reciprocate, once and a while.

I would only go if he keeps persisting or try to meet in a public place easier for you

hope you're all doing well....
Check this new dating site out.....it's fabulous...
http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=108392

Hi Amy - I suppose this could fall into long distance category and according to TR yes you can travel to see him as long as he has visited you 3 times. I'm just guessing we wouldn't make a habit of it and like calling just do it occassionally.

Hello ladies - just found the new board, haven't got used to it yet. Hello, hello anyone out there :-)


Hope everyone is good - catch up soon!

I am so confused about this rule. Could you girls help me out? Are we never suppose to go over his place?
I have been dating him for 5 months now and he has told me he loves me. Treating me well otherwise, but suggested I come to his place for our next visit.
I just think it is so boring to have him come to my place every single time and to have him drive to pick my up only to go back to his place seems so harsh, since he lives 45 minutes away. Please let me know what you girls think.

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=108392

New The Rules Forum Here.....
Hi DreamGirls!

If you're looking for the good threads from the old ThirdAge TR Forum, we're here...COME JOIN US!!!

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.sparkforumID=108392

The DVD of The Secret is amazing and uplifting.

My bf is very spiritual and for his birthday I bought him the DVD of Celestine Prophesy - that is very spiritual too.

Get them and enjoy - they leave you feeling that you can have anything you want by just asking the universe for it.

Have you talked to your son about his concerns? It could be possible that there is something that he is scared of concerning your bf - maybe he is scared that your bf will take you away from him or that you don't have enough love for both of them. I know it sounds strange but children (even teenagers) get some funny ideas. My bf's daughter is 16 and at the beginning of our relationship I raised some concerns because she was used to getting his undivided attention and I wanted him to reassure her that just because I was around it did not mean that he was not there for her.

A couple of times she did interrupt our dates to test whether he would come to her aid in an emergency - of course he did because he is a good father. Maybe your son just needs a little reassurance that no matter what happens in your relationship with your bf you will still be there for him if he needs you.

It is so difficult to judge what goes on in their heads!

Good luck.

((hugs))

My son does have the potential to be independent, he is very intelligent, but yet has severe behavior and processing difficulties. I do worry however about his ability to keep a job.

My bf supported me with him in the beginning, but my son would be very difficult concerning my bf. I had planned to wait on having a more serious relationship until my son moved out of the house, because I did not want him to ruin my relationship. Now I have real concerns about my bf having such a hard time spending just one day with him. And in my opinion, my son was not that bad on our day trip (as far as his behavior goes). No matter how old my son is, he will still be part of my life, and anyone I am seriously involved with will be spending some time with him.

I am kind of thinking in between the next him and wait and see. I think maybe making myself unavailable can give my bf some time to think whether he wants me (and my son is part of the package), and also let me evaluate, do we have some thing worth keeping? Up until last week, I thought we did, now I am not so sure.

My family really likes my bf, and my mom said that my son can stay with her so I can see my bf without involving my son. That could be an option in the future if we do work things out, but there has to be an effort on my bf's part to accept my son, even if contact needs to be limited or non existant for now.

I got off the phone with an good friend of mine before I read your last post and we talked about great books, etc. She is very thoughtful and bought me a book that's very spiritual and life-changing.

Then she mentioned "The Secret" too!

I seriously need to either see the video or read the book if there's one out there.

I will research now and find the link to the other person you mention who has a e-newsletter, and the other book...

I gotta read the Lili files again myself.

Ooohhhh.... I love the Lili files! I have the one about living your life posted on my bedroom wall. She says "Don't worry about men who aren't crazy about you. Living your life is better than thearapy. Go do what you love!"

It's truly beautiful. I'm gonig to go reread it now!

Lili was such a gift to all of us. Bless her!

My daughter has special needs and talks a lot (in fact, I think she even talks in her sleep!) and she is 11. It can be very difficult for some people to deal with. There are a couple of things to look at; Is he ever going to be able to have an independent life? If so, what sort of time frame? Do you want to be with someone who has difficulties with your son?

It takes a special person to be able to come into a relationship with children, especially those with extra needs but there are wonderful men out there who will make every effort with your children because they love you and want to be with you (I found one!)

In my experience I have found that it is better to limit the contact between children and men until they express a wish to do otherwise.

However, if I had been dating a man for a length of time and he had problems with my children I would, firstly state that my children are important to me and that their confidence and well being is paramount and I would not remain in a relationship that was of detriment to them. Then I would state that I understood that he may view things differently and ask his solution.

This is a technique from Getting To I Do. I would recommend that you read it (even if you skip to the section on negotiating problems). Until then I would be a little less available. I am not sure what rules you are still doing and which you are not but I would recommend

1) Let him call you

2) Let him take the lead on all suggestions of activities and dates (you have the right of veto for any that you do not feel like taking part in- use it!)

3) Take time to be the best that you can be.

4) (My favourite) Get busy!! Plan some really fun things for just you and your son.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do but remember there is always support here when you need it.

((hugs))

The way a man treats your children is a reflection of his love for you.

Yes, its difficult to have a child who has special needs yet, you BF is not exhibiting parental role-model.

Your BF does not have the qualities to a future father figure to your son at all.

If you stay with him, he will begin to see as and treat you they way he is towards your son.

This one is a NEXT in my opinion.

I have been dating a man for over a year now. Things were going great till last week. My teenage son has not accepted my bf well, and is beginning to come around, but now my bf is having problems being around my son. (My son is very difficult, learning and behavior disability and suspected mental problems as well). My bf seems to think it is a battle he cannot win between my son and him. We went on a day trip last week, and my bf was mad when we got back. He did not talk to me about it, but just expected me to know why he was mad. It turns out he was tired of hearing my son talk, and thought I should have told him to shut up. Then Saturday night was my son's b-day party, and my bf did not call Friday or Sat and did not show up for the party. This was the first weekend we did not have a date since I met him.

I went to see my bf last night, and thought we had worked things out. We had sex, and then my boyfriend immediately said "I have to get up early in the morning" (hint hint, I'm done, leave now). He has never treated me this way before and it made me feel cheap. That is how a man treats a whore, not his dream girl.

So my options: Do I completely break it off with him - do the 8 week wait and see if he really will want me back, or is just ready to move on. Or do I bootcamp him. As we have gotten closer and up to last week - more committed, I don't do all the rules anymore. Or option 3 - tell him we need to back things way off, and date him casually if he asks me out in advance (no sex or intimate contact).

Just making a random post, but if you ever get a chance, take a glance at the Lili files. :-) They are very enlightening and put things in perspective.

That "floating away happily" thing is something that I really need to work on. I'm such a serious person and want things to work, but for the next time, I wont secong guess myself and keep thinking I am making a mistake...I will drift away happily and realize when things are not meant to be. :-)

In that case "thank you universe for all the lovely dates I get with lovely men". Worth a shot :-)

What I keep thinking of is "The Secret". Better yet, there is a woman who combines all of this stuff very well into understandable terms. Her name is "Janette Maw" and she is wonderful! She even has a freee eZine you can sign up for that has really useful stuff. You can't go wrong with her.

Here's what I suggest for you (in this order):

Louise Hay "You can Heal your life" and "The power is within you"

Janette Maw (just visit her website and sign up for the ezine for now)

And "The Secret" especially when they talk about "Gratitude".

Being greatful to the universe is a great first step! What you are grateful for, you get more of!

I had a chance to research what the Sedona Method is based on and it indicates largely on Eastern Philosophy yet founded by a Engineer, Physicist, and Business man after he experienced a grave health setback...

It sounds great and it is in line with my own organized spiritual path.

I was listening to another Life Management Guru that creative people actually fear to actualize what they want the most and they mentioned that the book "The War of Art" illustrate examples of this...

Has anyone read the book?

First, I realized that I seriously neglected to thank a large number of strangers that helped me in unspeakable ways.

I need to establish contact with them first, because alike the people I have met and don't find the so-called connection as "heaven-sent", I am the one that needs to be grateful and thank them even though its been sometime, and I am quite embarrassed that I did not take the time to address this yet the issue they help me with was quite controversial and I considered myself a bit of a nuisance to them then a asset so I didn't think they would want to hear from me again.

Yet now, really going beyond the fear and doubt of human relationships, especially that this is the second time since last year that I have attracted a very similar "toxic person", I need to work to thank and value who has been there for me regardless of whether others have rejected me....

This is a topic I need to set as a priority.

Do you have any concrete recommendation in terms of books or links? Or lifestyle philosophy such as TR?

This is amazing how similar our life paths are, considering the fact you are online, yet I feel the similarities and a reason why you are here to share with me your wisdom which in return will help me tremendously...

It is weird but not for 2 reasons: 1) I think TR attracts a certain kind of woman and 2)I am a teacher and it is one of my life's missions to help and "teach" others, either through actual teaching or through writing.

So, what ACTION steps are you going to take right now?

Browneyes7 said: "What you need, my dear Axia, is to TRUST YOURSELF. Define the type of women you want as friends. List their personal traits and qualities. Write it out. Go sit down....as Arnold says "Do it now!"

OMG you must be psychic! I am actually where you were in NYE, with people, mostly women I met on a online group and its not going so well, and the woman I am complaining about is one of them!

I do know that I need to cut the cord with the majority of the group and focus my energy back to a number of professional womens' group I am involved with.

The level of maturity and conversational skills were not what I need and looking for, and not to mention that I need to seriously concentrate on my particular spiritual development alike yourself.

I am completely associating with group of people who are not what I require to be happy, so I need to make a commitment as you mentioned, and list the qualities I admire and respect.

Yes, people who I admire and respect is the only sort of people I am closely allowing into my life from now on.

This is amazing how similar our life paths are, considering the fact you are online, yet I feel the similarities and a reason why you are here to share with me your wisdom which in return will help me tremendously...

You're second Master's degree!? That is amazing! I wish I can be accepted to one Master's program. Yet that's a life goal so I better work on it too.

Axia
It is my pleasure to help! Glad I could. I can't help but do things like that...I'm a teacher!

And, I HAVE been where you are now.

I was thinking about this earlier and I thought I should offer you an example. This happend recenlty....

I was hanging out with a group of 20's and 30's single professionals. The first few months were great fun. Then, I spent NYE with them. I had an awful time. I felt like sh*t the next day and I was sad. I also noticed that one of the girls did not include me. She was recently divorced and would not reply to my emails but would ask me in group emails to "do stuff". Plus send text messages.

While I was sad to let go of a resource, I knew I had to move past them. I didn't know if I could find anyone else around my age who is single and a profesional but I had to let go of them because they were making me miersable.

I did. Then I turned my attention to my work buddies and found some wonderful, amazing women. I am working hard onm my friendship with them. I am keeping them as friends. I love them.

Now that I've switched jobs, I will still keep in touch with them. In my new job, I am finding a few people whom I onsider friends. They are cool too. I look forward to hanging out with them as well. I have all levels of friends.

Recently through a summer work experience, I have f ound a few more! Plus I have found some friends through a spiritual "womens circle" that I attended and Ihave a chance at atending another group. Plus, I'm headed towards another masters, and I just KNOW that I am going to find some people to hang with in my grad program. I've had so much fun in that subject that I can't wait to get with those creative peeps again!

My world is expanding. If I didn't let go of that other group, which took up a lot of my time, I would not have time for these wonderful people.

Don't be afraid to let go. You don't need a counselor or therapy.

What you need, my dear Axia, is to TRUST YOURSELF. Define the type of women you want as friends. List their personal traits and qualities. Write it out. Go sit down....as Arnold says "Do it now!"

Then, when you are done, start trusting yourself. As a woman, that is the greatest gift I have given myself....to Trust ME! Life is too short for bad people to waste your precious time.

Keep your eyes open! Start looking for those wonderful qualities in people and you will find people who have them!

As a dear mentor/friend said to me "There really are lots of good people in this world." If we waste our time on the bad ones, we will never see the good ones. ANd that is sad. The good ones are there. You just have to look.....

Love,
Browneyes7

Bluesky9

you can't change what the other person does, but you can change how you react to it, which may in turn end up changing how the person acts toward you.

Well said! And I believe that is true, 100% of the time. I noticed that when I changed how I behaved, the world changed. BUt it really wasn't the world. Nope. It was "I" who changed.

Hi Bluesky if you have any recommendations please let me know.

I am very limited in resources yet books I can order them online, which will be cheaper then a monthly therapy session, and I found that books are with us longterm than therapist, that we can re-read them for review when we need it.

I don't know if you have a resource
like
this, but my local library has books
and
CDs, books on tape etc. on the subject
of dealing with difficult people
(complainers, negative people, bossy
people, you name it). I think it might
have been this one: "How to
deal with difficult people" by Rick
Kirschner and Dr. Rick Brinkman.
There are some
effective techniques and examples. I
should probably review it myself...
since I'm having trouble remembering
exactly what the techniques are .

I do remember trying one of the
techniques on my Dad, who
would lecture me, then I would get
mad, then it would turn into a
heated argument. With the suggested
technique, I would remain
calm. He then did not raise his voice
either. It wasn't easy, but it
did work.

Basically... as others have said, you
can't change what the other
person does, but you can change how
you react to it, which may
in turn end up changing how the
person acts toward you.

I think you have just given me a good eye-opener that no one in my community could have done!

I don't know if its because of the limited community members, yet I can't even find decent people who will give me the kind of advice that I get from TR woman like you and the other lovely ladies from this board...

If was making more money, I wish I can pay a counselor or a therapist to help me like you did, because I think that something is wrong that I am only meeting woman who are too busy to "bond" with other women, or they just don't care to look out for their girlfriends...

Yet maybe this is not just a problem I am encountering, though with dating philosophies like TR and "Boundaries" by the two psyhologists that its possible to protect ourselves from emotional leeches and vampires.

I hope I don't become one in the process of getting rid of them because I am so sorry yet I sound so bitter and afraid at the same time!

Its also true we reap what we sow, so I will just need accept that this is a problem and I will need to detach myself from this situation. It will be hard not on my part because she has a very "bubbly" personality, yet her motives are vile...

I must be strong and I shall count my blessing for your advice "Positive" TR Browneyes!

Thank you for your input!

She also dragged me into a 2 hour bitch session about a person who is quite known in our community and she was completely tearing them down as if the demon took her to hell!

I told her that I am sorry that person has upset her so much (which is so bollocks because he does not even know her.

Yet, she was offended that he does not introduce himself to her, and that he's denying her "existance" when she's the "patron" to his services!!! ????? This person knows so many people but she wants "special treatment".

I was rolling my eyes!

That is what I should have done, just like you said the above and just looked at her and not gave in to it...

I can't even keep up with her chatter! LOL! It must be TR that I can't no longer put up with anti-TR sort of women or who are the literal opposite in a negative way...

I feel so much better that I now know how to act the next time I see her. L & B yet not accommodating...

I don't know how I am going to get rid of her because we know the same people, and I am afraid knowing her having a big obnoxious mouth, that she will start "defaming/ slander" me to others...

This just does NOT matter! You cannot control someone else's actions, words, or behaviors.

Look at it from another perspective...So then, let's say, she will do this. So then you have two choices: Continue to allow this toleration in your life, just in case she "might" "talk bad" about you. (then you're working for her!)

Or, walk away and distance yourself from this emotional leech and let her do her worst.

I think we are always so afraid of the unknown. However, I think it's in the unknown that we truly find ourselves. The unknown is quite beautiful.

It doesn't matter if you live in a small town, know the same people, whatever. Start distancing yourself from this woman. YOUR life depends on it.

If she confronts you, just be L& B and say "Oh, I've just been so busy!" Deny, deny deny. She says "You don't like me. You're a b&^ch. " Just tell her you do not liek being spoken to like that and won't tolerate that kind of talk.

So the plan is to float away. If she talks about you, so what!! You are her emotional "host" and she is the leech. Honey, your life is waaaaayyyy too short to entertain people like this.

YOu will have no room for good people if you hold onto the bad ones. I've been through this so many times before, even with two friends from high school. But things change. People change.

When you let go of something bad, you open yourself up for so much more... Such a beautiful life. It's so worth taking the chance.

My favorite way to confront someone is to not confront them. You owe this woman NOTHING. You don't really have a rel'p, you just have this toxic exchange from which she feeds.

So as of ....... now... you're outta there! Eventually, when she finds she can't feed off you, she will go away on her own. Just endure for a short time and she will leave.

Just don't get defensive. Be L&B unless she becomes abusive. Then tell her you won't tolerate that.

Remember, people like that want others to think that they are the ONLY ones in the world who will be your friend, and if you leave them, you will be all alone.

Truth is (I've found) is that there are truly wonderful people in this world. And those wonderful people will help you grow and let you go be yourself and come back with stories to tell. Think of all of the beautiful people you can have in your life!!

It has only been until recently that I started gathering beautiful people in my life. They are so wonderful. My friend Tracy says "Stick with the winners" and "I (she) am a positive person".

I only want positive people in my life. When I got rid of the negative ones, and went looking for the positive ones, guess what?

I found them!

(((Axia)))

Love,
Browneyes
"A positive person" :)

Hi Axia, I'll post something that I was posted here, helped me enormously when there was loads of bullying at work. "You can't stop people from talking about you, just ignore it, pretend you didn't notice and don't try and find out what they are saying".
Also if she asks you about your spending there's the "why do you want to know that?". The other day this woman tried to drag me into an argument about something, but I just stayed silent. It really through her off balance. Or if possible just try walking away.
But keep on working on your self-worth as well I think if we are developing this part of ourselves we are more naturally prone to take less crap.
I'd be glad to hear from some of the other ladies suggestions too.