TR Exclusive

Hi sorry you have not received more replies. A lot of ladies left the boards a few months back.

Firstly, it is really difficult to have a rulesy relationship with someone you are living in the same house as, especially if you have shared a lot of personal/relationship information with.

The fact that he is okay with you seeing the 'other guy' could be for all number of reasons and thinking about it will just drive you nuts.

If you are moving in three weeks, realistically (just for yourself) what is the potential for this relationship to continue past your move?

Personally, I would just have fun, go on the dates that are arranged in advance, keep the personal chats to a minimum and keep busy.

Time will tell why he has said it is okay for you to see the other man but that is his issue, not yours to worry about.

((hugs))

Hi guys,
I posted my story on SOS and on Bootcamp- im so surprised no one has respondd all weekend- there have to be more women on this board its nuts!!

Anyway, bottom line is ive been hooking up with my roommate of 4 months who has become one of my closest friends. He has seen me through a ton of back and forth with this one boy i've been daing (and given advice almost daily!) and last night as we were heavilyinto things we had a snall talk about this new development in our "roommateship". He has been a totally caring sweet boy (more so than any other man I have dated in years!) and he's even asked me for the weekend next weekend (im being rulesy and getting out of the house for hours at a time andcreating as much distance as possible and in a rulesy way Plus im going to boston today on purpose to Leave!!)
but last night he told me hes fine if i need to go see this "other guy" right after i told him that that guy hasnt texted in a few days adits an interesting energy shift (i,e,.m it felt like he was being pushed out since my roommate and i were beginning something).

I was a bit devastated in that moment. It suddenly became obvoius to me that he doesnt really care, unless he was trying to use reverse psychology. HELP!!

should i just come honme and end things and continue on with mylife? Im supposed to be moving to venice california anyway in 3 weeks ..if i say something iull just lok desperate and needy...so what do i do/say?

I found out because he told my daughter and she is only 9 years old and she let it out. lol i am a nervous wreck, happy, excited and shocked. it has been 5 months. i am in love with this man and we have had our ups and downs but the one thing that remains consistent is his affection and display of love to me. i began doing the rules with him, then i kind of strayed off and moved in with him too soon, but i still remained independant and kept my interestests. i am excited and i just want to know how i should be acting these next few days before he does propose so he doesnt have second thoughts....and if anyone can give me the link to the lili website i would really appreciate it. thanks..

Hi, when I got divorced I took over about £7k of my ex husband's credit card debt. I started by negotiating with the credit card company to pay the balance only and not incur further interest charges. Then when I had saved approximately half the balance owing I made a 'full and final' offer to the company which they accepted - I ended up paying about half back over 5 years (£20per month + settlement of £1700).

Definitely get advice from a solicitor or citizen Advice Bureau. They should be able to lead you through the best way of minimising the debt and a lot of companies are just glad to any of the money back at all!

Good luck.

Wow, you guys are in a tough situation.

I am not an attorney, but I think that bankruptcy would not be the best solution. Yes it would wipe out the debt, but bankruptcy is not as easy to declare as it once was, there are certain stipulations and requirements, which I'm sure a good attorney could help you with.....but the blemish on his credit is HUGE and lasts a long time.

It is a shame you have to deal with this, but it does say something about his character that he felt the responsible thing to do was to pay off the debt.

There are some good financial books out there, Dave Ramsey is really popular and gives concrete ideas on how to pay down debt quickly. You may be able to negotiate with the credit card companies to get them to reduce the total debt and/or interest rates, etc.

I'm just throwing ideas around that I've heard, I haven't read his books, but please look at options other than bankruptcy.

It sucks that you have to deal with this mess, but you will be stronger for it, as a couple and as individuals.

Is he responsible with his own spending? Do you have similar ideas on how to manage money and similar financial goals? These are important to your long term success/happiness in a marital relationship.

Good luck!

Time #1 was fun, but time #2 I tripped over a kid cause it was packed and fell down face first breaking a rib! It is quite uncomfortable and weeks later still bothering me.

Despite this fact I plan on going again with my great new sharp skates (sharp makes a big difference), but this time I will go to the bigger rink that has more space, wear 3 layers of clothing PLUS my coat in case I fall face forward again...I will try to fall on the butt instead!

Hi. I posted a question more suited to this Exclusive board on Salon because it gets more traffic but I'd love your opinions on how to handle in a rulesy manner big money issues with your bf. Mine is still paying his ex wifes debt - he was divorced 5 years ago and the amount is still HUGE.

Just an update...we went ice skating this weekend for the first time and actually had a lot of fun! He was totally cool when I said over the phone that I wanted to try rental skates before his gift because I was worried that my gimpy ankle might make it too painful, and I would feel horrible about only using his gift once! He even said that if it was too hard we could exchange it for cross country skis or snoeshoes or something else.

I prefaced the convesation with him about the skates by telling him how I had reframed his gift in a romantic way..."I know that you actually gave me a date in a box with the skates, and wanted to spend time together, and I think that is so sweet"! He said that was exactly what he intended!

SPA gift certificate

I would think that this is very romantic gift because it is a luxury for you that most women love! Better would have been the gc in a basket with wine or bubble bath, but I think it is still good and rulesy!

I have a super bf of 3 months of which we've been exclusive 1 1/2 months. He gave me ice skates for Christmas, surprising considering we have never done this and I have responded lukewarmly when it's come up. He bought himself a pair as well so we can go out together, so I guess it is kind of romantic since it implies more dates?

I'm disapointed because he is so sensitive and this gift says nothing about me. My friend got a diamond and sapphire necklace from her BF and she is having second thoughts about him - agh! I myself was expecting something like that, or anything more romantic.

It didn't have to be big or expensive, but something sweet. I can't muster any enthusiasm for this gift, although I was of course smiling and happy looking when I opened it.

At a dinner party he told friends that gift giving has been a problem for him in the past, he's disapointed people or gone overboard, so he said he likes to set limits. I offered to do this when the topic came up, because it is not about the $ amount for me, but he did not say he wanted to do this with me. I don't know ice skating, these could be $200 skates for all I know or frankly care. I feel so b*tchy complaining about this but can't help but feel a letdown considering how excited I got picking out his gift.

Hi Ladies,
In the Rules there is a chapter on how if the man you are dating does not give you a romantic Christmas gift then you need to move on as this indicates he is not "in love" with you. Does a $100 gift certificate to the spa qualify as a romantic gift?

Hi, I am new at this forum and my English is not perfect. Have you all read the Rules? My boyfriend and me, we live together one year. And we have common baby girl. But he seems not to have the intention yet to marry me. He sais that he feels something for me but that love must become more as it does not suffy to marry me. He has his own firm and travels every 2 weeks. So how can I apply the Rules??? I do not know how. I already stopped telling him that I love him etc. But I cannot go out with friends, we have no granny or ounts and no help here, so I always must pay for a babysitter. Can I apply the Rules at home? How? I already am using make up every day etc. But it seems not to be enough. Has someone maid similar experiences? Thanks in advance, cinderella1208

Lol, my bf is like that too. We often turn to each other and say exactly the same thing at the same time or one of us says what the other was about to.

We have been dating a little over 3 months and he is already looking at what to do about his house (ie renting it) as it would be more convenient to live in mine (and mine's nicer, lol). He is already planning next Christmas!!

Hi, Congratulations your bf sounds a real sweetie!

To find RulesPHD's posts scroll to the bottom of the page and click 'search forums' then type in 'RulesPHD' as the search subject and it should pull up links to all her posts starting with the most recent then working backwards.

I am 42 and have lived with men in the past. I lived with my ex-husband for 1 year before we got married and it was very hard to maintain TR. In the future I would not live with a man until I had established a plan for the future.

Other posts to read would be, I think
b PinkLady

In the future don't give anymore monthly exclusivity anniversary gifts. Too much effort.

Let him give you gifts if he wishes, be receptive and appreciative.

There is a girl on this board whose boyfriend honors their monthly anniversary, she is happy and thanks him, but does nothing to note it, leaves it up to him.

Just put this experience behind you.

OK so its not really an anniversary but its 2 months with exclusive bf today. i messed up and need to know what to do. i kept the present simple since last month he gave me flowers and a card, i just got him a movie that he always jokes around about BIG DADDY with adam sandler, cuz he always says hes big daddy with my sons stroller and stuff in his car. ok so this morning my mistake was, he had spent the night and had not given me anything yet, i gave him the movie and card before i went to work .:( and he said thank you i love this movie and laughed he hugged me and he said i beat him to it, cuz i guess he is giving me a present tonight, i know i shouldnt have given it to him first i feel horrible now, any damage control ideas???? thanks

Do you ladies make it a habit to ask about being exclusive? I had been seeing a guy for about 3 months and had 7 dates. I had no idea the man I (was) seeing wanted to be exclusive. we dated usually 1 date every week and a half, and he would call on average once a week, but usually more. I didn't know he wanted to be exclusive, because he never brought it up. I brought it up, and when he found out I wasn't planning on being exclusive like he had been this whole time (he said), he cannot see me anymore.

Just a wee bit confused here. Really hurt his feelings which I didn't intend :(

emily

Ok so about four months ago I began dating a friend...we clicked and everything started right...he asked me out on a date, a month later he suggested we are exclusive and so thats when I began to break all of the rules by seeing him everyday...spending the night and basically for the past 2 months we have been arguing non stop....mainly because of ex girlfriends still calling or texting him...we had another huge fight last night but we decided we still want to be together even though we drive each other crazy...he talks about marriage and says he wants to marry me but hes changed...hes not as affectionate with me anymore and I feel like he cares less...I want to marry this guy and I know Im breaking rules but I want to make it work ....help

we are also WUM for sex... so trying not to get anything started that can't be finished, but he is LD & we stay over at each other's houses (which may be totally non-rules, but how else to handle an every weekend rlsp that's far apart?)... and BROTHER is that all a hard road!

I know I've broken many rules in this one & it perhaps is beyond repair -

but I didn't know about TR til last month. So - after being non-rules for 8 months, can this rlsp be saved?? Can we revert to rules behaviour?

I'm much older than you, haven't dated in about 30 yrs (I kid you not!) and have been totally clueless...
well-meaning, but clueless.
XOXO
s'bug

Good heavens! It sounds like we are dating the same guy. It's been since Feb, he told me he intended to be exclusive in April (didn't ask me to be the same, but I told him I felt the same - I'm no good at juggling)

He told me he loved me first (June), actually asked me to marry him this summer... I told him neither of us was really ready - ask me when you are truly ready.

Now, suddenly, he't hot & cold... warm and affectionate when we see each other, but no phone calls or emails for a day or two & when the emails come, they are all crispy & impersonal & factual, not signed "love" as they used to be. Over in bootcamp I'm being told he is treating me like "dog doo-doo"...

After some thought on that - I disagree. I do think he is treating me thoughtlessly. But in his email today - "worked late last night & noticed the time, figured out you hadn't and weren't calling.." GOOD GRIEF! Neither had he called me!! Totally irritated the crap out of me! But L&B, totally L&B...

Dropped him a very brief, little email just afew minutes ago (DID NOT mention the calling thing) Just a little "I'm done with my day & heading home" note.

How should we handle this thing and WHAT THE HECK is going on?

Bootcamp is saying he just isn't that into me... and perhaps they're right. We have had one rlsp "talk" in Sept. & he thinks I love him more. Hmmm... well, I don't know if he's right about that one as I'm certainly not ready for marriage!

anyway, my heart goes out to you & girl, I sure 'nuff know what you're talking about... what to do?

Iashutterbug

I am still with the person I inquired about in July. December will be one year since we met and Nov is one year since we started talking over the phone.
He is really sweet and very affectionate much of the time. I have been rarely returning his calls. He seems to go cold then hot on a regular basis. I seem to want to do more initiating when he is in his "cold" state. He will not touch me and no I luv yous. He is always very kind but it is beginning to appear to be passive agressive. The one thing he has complained about has been my distance (I dont run behind him nor ask him things like why didnt you call me) I am L & B but the emotions and frustration of the hot and cold attitudes is taking its toll on me...any advice? I am simply focused too much on him? I am involved in a lot going to school and working part time so time is usually of essence when we see each other which is 1-2 times per week.
Sassy

Meeting the kids went well. His older son was a bit stand-offish. I was told he is struggling with the divorce and is not too excited about his dad dating. It is tough because I am struggling with money right now and trying really hard not to let the UPS man know. I am a part-time teacher and only took my paychecks through May. I have not had a paycheck since May!! Although I had money in the bank it is getting low.

Thank god I am starting back to work and getting paid next week. I am looking for full-time but just have not found it yet. I pretend like I am okay with my finances. I just don't want him to think I am looking for someone to totally support me because that is not the case. Things are just tight as a single mom. Has anyone else ran into this problem?

I pitched in half to pay for pizzas because his kids and mine went out to eat. He did not want to take the money but I felt like I needed to insist. He has paid for everything so far. He keeps hinting around about how I am making it through the summer. He knows I don't get paid until next week. I just pretend everything is fine and change the subject.

Imagine two very beautiful blonde girls with big bright blue eyes.

Number 1 child looks the man up and down, says 'do you like animals?' then proceeds into a lengthy dialogue about all the animals she like and has dealing with - complete with dragging him upstairs to look at the hamsters.

Child number 2 waits till he sits down to pounce - plops herself forcibly on his laps, stares into his eyes and says 'You are gorgeous - but I really don't think you are good enough for my mummy. I might let you be my boyfriend when I'm older though. See ya'

At which point most guys are usually running for the hills or at the very least searching their phone for an appointment that they may have forgotten. A deer between the headlights springs to mind.

But you are right, children should be active, outside and running off the energy. Don't worry too much. It'll do your man good to see that your son is protective. Relax and have fun.

His boys are 8 and 12. My boys are 16 and 9. My older son has been very stand-offish with any men I have dated and he has met. He is a little over-protective of mom. My nine year old is any man's best friend - lol.

Don't worry about your daughters. My sons are also an active pair. My oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD and my youngest I feel is borderline. Active children are full of life and make life interesting. I feel the right man will love a woman's children no matter what.

Just act naturally! Let them come to you rather than you try to initiate interaction with them. For the first meeting I would let the kids sort it out for themselves. Be available for them to come to you but not too controlling.

How old are the children? Mine are 9 and 10 and very very boisterous. My girls tend to scare all men!!! lol, they have to be made of stern stuff to consider dating me!

I am meeting his kids on Monday for the first time. He asked to bring them for a visit and we are going to eat pizza and maybe watch a family movie. I have two boys and he has two boys that are within similar ages. Does anyone have any suggestions on meeting a man's children? I tend to be motherly and don't want my "mothering to become smothering". I am bit nervous about the kids liking me and don't want to go overboard trying to please everyone.

Girlracer - Congratulations! Make sure to enjoy your nice ring! I am very happy for you. Let us know about your wedding details.

Sassy500- I am concerned with your boyfriend's behavior. I agree he sounds very controlling. You could call him once in a while since you have been dating for 7 months but, not every day! He sounds insecure. Do not get wrapped up in pleasing him all the time. Be very careful with the choices you make. My friend is married to a similar type man. Her whole life revolves around pleasing him and making him happy. That is not a healthy way to live.

Congratulations!!!

((hugs))

The ring is gorgeous!

More on Monday.

I agree with Emma, this sounds like controlling behavior. Why does he want you to call when you leave work -- is he trying to keep tabs on you & your whereabouts? If he just wants to talk to you, he should call you.

several questions.

1) Do you all think it is realistic for me to call my bf of 7 months every day? He gets upset if I do not call him at least when I get off work daily. He says I am selfish and that I only return his calls. He has brought up ending the relationship. I believe I have been treated very well in the relationship and not wanting to end it.

2) What do I do when I try to be L&B by not constently bringing up issues and then being acused of being distant and not communicating?

3)What do you do with the emotions when we are told to be l & b? I have good female support so I know how to go to them with my emotions, but never the less, he wants me to initiate kisses and hugs more since this has been one of my compliants. He called me selfish and only wanting to "recieve"
Sassy

TotallyFab: Your advice is just what I needed!! After brushing up on some of the chapters of TR earlier this morning, TR Girls don't wait around and hope things happen and they definately aren't this involved in a complicated situation.

"Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't". I think I should start going on more dates and incorporate new guys into my life. I don't take his calls as much and rarely call him back, but if he has feelings it's time I start seeing results and until I do let it be. He should be the one worried not me.

I would re read my post and count all the HIM sentences, but it's practically 90% HIM so it's time I focused on me and other things and see what happens.

I have a short and simple response.

He's the one who should be worrying how to have you all to himself. Not you.

My first reaction is that he is stringing you along. Saying just enough to get and keep your attention.

But he's not following through with concrete, non-confusing actions.

I'm reading so much PBT in your post I'm tempted to say forget him. Cut off all contact. This is clearly not working for you.

You don't have to tell him you're cutting him off. He knows what he's doing. When he gets no response he'll figure it out.

Then he either steps up to the plate or he doesn't.

I suggest you re-read your post. Count the number of sentences that are about HIM. Then turn 180 degrees and put just as much focus on YOU.

Your post is one big hunk of text.

I can't read it, therefore I cannot offer you any comments.

Try breaking it down into short paragraphs.