TR Married

I wrote "Try harder" - meaning all the things to do to meet mr. right.

On the same time "Relax" - do everything for yourself you enjoy and life your live.

Thanks for the flylady.

we want to get a cleaning lady.

We are both working a lot, we have a good income both.
But it just not manageable to do the housework when you come home at 9pm.

So we are now look for a someone. I would be happy to get the money to a cleaning lady, I rather do not buy another trousers or skirt.

My aunt asked me how the first year went?

She said, wasn't it hard.

And it was stressful to get adjusted.

But after two years, it's getting better. Really nice to be married.

I agree with your post, Girlracer, I feel the same way.

I remember you. From the European board. I am from Austria, do you remember me?

I do not advice that you tried too hard.

I advice TRY A BIT HARDER.

I am serious.
Go to every single event, every dance, every online dating, everything.
Go there even if you don't want to.

Ellen & Sherrie are saying the same thing on their tapes.
You have to do everything possible.

Would you learn for an exam, would you do everything possible to get it?
Same here, do everything to meet Mr. Right.

Mr. Right is already existing.
He lives at the same planet as you. He is a human being.
You need to cross his way.

As a buddhist I say: Cause and effect.
Or as Ellen is saying: You have to be very serious to get from one point to the other.

Try harder!

Yours Rulesgirl (Austria)

Thanks Taylor, you are right, I just turned 39 and thought I would have met someone by that time. Since then I have been getting very anxious and mixed up. (not me at all). I'm sure men are sensing my bad attitude despite my "acting happy". Anyway, I just started gardening and am finding a lot of pleasure in that. It's a nice way to meet people too, gardening centres are lovely places.
When I was engaged to my ex it was a beautiful experience, make the most of it, don't worry about us grumbling singles.(((hugs)))
Better clear off now before the marrieds catch me posting on their board :-)

Hi there, just reading your posts. It is nice to see posts from ladies who used post regular on the singles boards. Something is working. I'm still very single. The search is getting exhausting, I'm out there a lot recently but it is very tiring and yeilding no results. I keep getting told the usual "it will happen when you don't expect, stop trying so hard", you'll meet someone when you are not looking" etc etc, would you ladies say this is true. (feel like I'm doing a magazine interview)
Girlracer it's really encouraging to hear you got married at 46 and Taylor congratulations. Enjoy every moment of your engagement and wedding plans, he's a lucky guy you're a sweet person.

Oooh, yes, this is all very good, being
busy. You're lucky about no TV and
that he lingers over meals. Mine gets
ants in his pants after we've finished
eating - he doesn't like to linger! I am
busy too though - I have just finished
doing a year of
work-related courses that I had to do,
and now I've decided I'm going to do
some fun courses for a change. So this
week I
signed up for six-week courses in
pottery, fiction writing, a course about
the Brontes, and also a one-session
cookery course and a one-session
make-up course. (We have two really
amazing adult-education centres
around here that just offer everything
under the sun and are also quite
inexpensive). And if we stay in this
city, I'm going to do an 8-week
cookery course, and am considering
one of their acting courses. I can't act
and have never been into the idea, but
I think it would really push my
comfort zone and help develop
greater confidence. They also do a
silversmithing course, where you make
a ring or a pendant over 6 weeks -
hammering and soldering etc. I would
never give up exploring new interests
just because I have a husband!

He's a slow eater and just likes to sit with me and look at me and talk to me.

I'm not one to rush meals or anything, but I want to get the dishes put away and tidy up the kitchen and move on to whatever else I have on the agenda for the evening.

It was funny, the other night hubby asked if I could fit him into my calendar. As dinner was winding down I asked him what he had planned for the evening and told him what I was going to do with myself and that's when he asked that.

It's just like the rules says, he's always grabbing me in the kitchen for a squeeze and a kiss, breakfast, lunch and dinner!

We don't watch TV, truly. When my husband relaxes he likes to sit in a chair and look out the window. Or read a magazine, either Time or a car magazine or a car parts catalog.

I also hate the blare of the TV. I traveled a lot with the last guy I dated, and the first thing he did when we got into a hotel room is turn on the TV, loud! I hated it.

I traveled a lot with the guy before that too, LOL, I just traveled a lot, and the first thing he'd do, no matter the time of year, is make the room as cold as possible. I like to be warm!! It was a constant source of tension.

My hubby is sensitive to noise and doesn't like the blare of TV, either, and he also likes to be warm!! Amazing how some of those little things can make life so much easier!

I'm always around, LOL.

Hi friend! I have been thinking about you!

Will you be around later?

Girlracer - one thing you said that is
exactly like my marriage is the way
our
husbands relax a lot in the evenings!
I have also noticed this about my
husband, and like you, I don't say
anything, for the same reasons you
gave. Me, if I've got emails to send or
laundry to do, whatever, I do it in the
evening after work lots of the time. Or
I'll clean the bathroom, change the
bed - whatever needs to be done. But
my husband doesn't do any of his stuff
Mon-Fri in the evenings. Then he
complains how much he's got to do
each weekend, ha ha!

I was talking to a long-time wife a few
weeks ago and she was saying that her
husband watches too much TV. I never
realised before but I think men watch
a lot more TV than women. My
husband is very educated and I have
been surprised at how, unless he/we
are out, most of his evenings are spent
watching TV or playing computer
games. I thought he would read a lot
more. i.e. I have subscription to the
New Yorker, but despite being a
journalist on a big NYC newspaper,
he's never picked up a copy of The
New Yorker in the year we've had it!
He'll play computer games instead. I
don't mind - it's just an observation -
and his business how he spends his
time. But I have to be careful not to be
drawn into the same routine - I don't
want to watch low-quality films when
I've
got a pile of books I want to read - so
I go into another room, put my
earplugs in, and I find quiet reading
far more relaxing than
most TV programmes. Yeah, it's odd
how
men are so keen on TV. I've never
really liked it because such a huge
percentage always seemed to be so
low-quality. Also, I find the noise of it
very stimulating, and I find it impossile
to go from a flat filled with noise to
abrupt silence to go to sleep. Earplugs
are my best friend. My parents' house
is also filled with the blare of the TV,
as they can't hear so well now. I hate
the TV!

Erm, not sure how that turned into a
rant about the evil TV!

I sooo understand about the cold feet!! That's why it took me so long to get married!

But it's truly one of the best things I ever did!!

I am really excited for you!!

You are going to do just fine!

It seems that you're getting adjusted to living with your husband, I'm very happy that's the case.

He obviously loves you very much!! That is truly important!

But you're right, men are differnt than us, so very different.

Have you read any of John Gray's books? Super helpful.

I was 46 when I got married.....and LOVED my single life!! I had lived with someone only for a couple of years, maybe only 1 1/2 yrs, when I was 39-40, so most of my life was spent as a single.

He also was very happily single, unmarried until marrying me at 39.

We have found the adjustment surprisingly easy.

But I've been through the career stuff and was a bit worn out. I did well, but was on a play break that has now lasted a few years, LOL!

I never had a burning desire for children and am old enough that nobody's asking me when I'm going to have them.

I think being older has made things easier for me. Though in some areas I'm more set in my ways, I've also learned a certain amount of flexibility.

Generally though I've just been lucky. We are highly compatible, like similar levels of tidiness (or disorder, LOL), have similar temperature requirements for our personal comfort, etc.

Similar approaches to spending/saving money, etc.

We had to work out a couple of things wrt the dishes and him tidying up after himself evenings when I'm not around. Which doesn't happen very often.

But he's very well housebroken, resulting from years of being on his own. He even puts the toilet seat down after using the bathroom, lid and everything! A habit from always having cats as pets.

We recently hosted our first get together over Memorial Day weekend. It went really well. He took the initiative in putting away his driving games which took up the living room, chairs, steering wheels, pedals, etc. I took over the family room with my parrots, so I was not well able to complain. But, he set to work making the living room back into a nice place for us to be.

We worked well together, cleaning up, shopping and getting ready for our guests. Everything went really well. I was a little stressed getting ready, but he did everything he could to ease my stress.

Really, I feel like my life has changed very little, just takes place in a different house.

Well, with the exception of being with my husband every day!

I guess it feels like for me (and for him too) that we still enjoy the aspects of single life that were important to us, autonomy and such, but now there's a loving, understanding partner by our side.

At the moment we have a pretty traditional set-up, I am home during the day, I cook, do most of the cleaning and laundry. He does the outdoor and car stuff. Weekends he makes the bed, he'll mop the floor, vacuum, whatever.

I am working from home, and if I get into a crunch he happily makes dinner. In the days when we were getting ready for our guests he made a couple of meals and took me out to eat so I wouldn't have to cook and could focus on the deep cleaning stuff that is important to me as a woman knowing that people are coming to my house.

But during our regular weekly routine, he likes to relax a lot in the evening. I find myself thinking he could/should be doing this, that and the other project, but I have to quiet that thinking in myself because it's judgemental. He never asks how I spend my time or criticizes it or wonders why I didn't get something done during the day. If something is particularly important to me I just ask him directly to do it.

He makes sure we have time together to walk, bike, go to our dance lessons, etc.

He tells me every day how much he loves me, how he couldn't be happier, how I have no clue how much he loves me.

I think it took me a long time to be ready for marriage, but now that I've done it, I think it's one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

I know. I honestly think that men and
women are so different that it's only
worth all the work if you truly, truly
intend to stay with that person for life
and want to build a family with them.
Otherwise, if you don't want kids and
you think that getting divorced isn't
the worst thing, the hard work of
marriage probably isn't worth it.
You've got to really, really want to be
married. I had absorbed
all the messages that marriage is hard
work etc. but I didn't expect it to be
quite so true, so often! Having said
that, we have just finished only our
first year of living together, and
apparently it's meant to get a lot
easier with time and experience! But I
can totally see how if someone isn't
really committed, it might not seem
worth it and they walk away.

What on earth was nature's purpose in
making us so different? I mean,
different is good but did she have to
take it quite so far?? I don't see the
evolutionary value in being as different
as we are - makes everything so
fraught sometimes!

Your post on guy weirdness was great! And SO completely true.

I think that is why TRFM are written the way they are. Men are different from women. It is a fact that we have to accept, and one that I am currently struggling with.

All of the things that we need to do in order to be married are making me wonder WHY am I doing this?

And, it isn't because I don't love him, or because we aren't right for each other...it is simply because marriage is going to be so different. The sooner I accept this, the better off I will be, I think.

In the meantime, I am like this bucking bronco who just will not give in!

Yes, I have ordered my dress!

I have to run but will write more tomorrow!

And another thing - once you're
married, everyone but everyone
ASSUMES that you're going to have
children, which makes the feminist in
me angry. Is it impossible that a
woman might have other ambitions in
life apart from having children? But
that's still the attitude of a lot of
people towards married women.

I expect you will encounter some of
these sexist attitudes- ignore them,
and do what YOU want to do in life. I
hope forewarned is forearmed, as they
say.

I have said to myself: "It's my body and
I - and I alone - will
decide if I have children." When you're
getting the baby pressure, remember
that!

I hear you, Taylor. I would never, ever
want to be without my man because I
love him, but sometimes I could do
without marriage. Sometimes I wish
we just lived together, or in flats in
the same block, but still very much a
couple. I think there are a lot of old-
fashioned expectations of wives, I
don't think things have changed
much, and for that reason I have
wished I was still very much with him
but just not married sometimes. He is
a liberal and I don't think he realises it
at all, but sometimes it seems he has
subconscious expectations of me
where laundry, sex, housework and
children are concerned. I have also
found society's expectations of wives
deeply distressing: I can't count the
number of talented women I have seen
have children and give up work totally
in the last few years - and no-one
says that in this day and age,
encouragement of female dependency
is not OK.

No, I wouldn't get married again - but
that's not because of him, but society's
still-patriarchal attitudes in many
quarters towards married women.

These feelings mainly spring from my
parents. When we were growing up
they
were very ambitious for my sister and
I, to go to university and carve out
careers. They never told us that we
were meant to stop at 30. Since we
turned 30, they have basically
indicated we should marry and have
kids and forget about our careers. My
sister was a real high-flyer, but she
had a baby followed by twins, so she
has given up work even though she is
a much better breadwinner than her
husband.

It has become clear that my family
strongly disapproves of carrying on a
career after marrying and having
children, and part
of me just wants to say to my parents:
"Why did you even bother sending us
to university, if that's what you think?"
Countless women, despite a college
education and a career in their
twenties, throw it all away and become
dependent on their husbands, and no-
one is questioning this. I still think, in
many quarters, it's expected of wives.
So that's a big reason why I wish I
wasn't married on occasion - I feel it's
zinged me right back to the Middle
Ages sometimes.

The critics have universally panned it but
I thought it was absolutely fabulous!
They just criticised it to make themselves
sound cool and intelligent; it was
wonderful!

We are getting married October 4. I am very nervous. I think I have cold feet.

I fully anticipate a difficult adjustment and can relate to so many of your prior posts. I love my single life: I love living by myself; I love having my house just as I like it; I love being able to relax when I get home; I love my quiet time; etc.

I also love him, though, and have always hoped to find my Mr. Right.

It is encouraging to read your last post. I am really glad that your husband is making such an effort now. You deserve it!

As for the card- guys are different than we are about such things. I am a big card person so I understand how you feel. I am sure, though, that if he knew how much you would have loved a card, he would have given you 10!

Oh, no, I have not yet seen SATC. I did see photos of her dress, and I agree. NOT good. I am hoping to see the movie soon. Did you like it?

Hey Taylor, many thanks for taking
time to post to me. Nah, things are
fine, he's done loads for me lately -
my post was tongue-in-cheek really.
It was just a bit of a surprise because
he got one for me last year! So I was a
bit puzzled. It's a small thing though -
he's a fab husband.

So how are you? Have you set a date
yet? When can we get all excited about
The Big Day?? Did you see Sex and the
City? Please wear a better dress than
either of her two, both of which were
horrible I thought!

Hi Englishrose- I am glad to see you here. I have been thinking about you.

I hope you won't blast me for posting to you, when I am not yet married, lol, but I just want you to know that I am sorry to see that things are still a bit difficult.

Did he actually say this to you? Did he do anything else for your anniversary? Some men are not big on cards, could that be it?

How have things been since you last posted?

Anyone else have a husband who doesn't
'see the need' to get a card for you on
your wedding anniversary?

Hi FORTYLOOKSLIKE,
I think it's normal to feel how you feel...It's a different being married and using TR to get married. I remember first doing TR and thought I understand it until I was actually doing it in my daily life. I think being married is similar. You think you know how to do TR in marriage until you're married. Boredom, loneliness, and being restless is normal. Focusing too much on our family and husbands and losing ourselves. Only recently, I realized that was was not taking care of myself and maintain being an interesting person. I'm now focusing on being (CUAO) again. It's never too late!

Which state are you in? Here in DC metro, we are starting local support group for married and single RG. RG need support too!

I'm so relieved to find these boards! I could use a lot of support right now. After my birthday was barely recognized by my husb. I decided again to go back to the Rules. He's getting a major shot of them and it's working! Now, though I'm fairly exhausted with all of my newfound unavailability, etc. I'm very far from family and feel really alone. I've attempted to make friendships here but everytime I find a friend they always end up moving. It's a small town so I don't care to get too close to other women who might gossip about me. I hate that. I am going to start taking some classes to get out more, but really, I miss feeling close to my husband rather than having him at arm's length in hot pursuit. (I got married to him in two months using TR techniques BTW. We've been married nine years.) I guess I just have to get used to this again. Better this than being disrespected by him, right? Anyone have ideas how to ease the loneliness? Or do I just get busy and forget about it?

Thanks for your message. We've been to see my Gran several times since I posted but my MIL came up with excuses not to go.

I decided not to mention it again as she seems to have some sort of issue and I'd rather not get into talking about it with her as it's stressful right now.

As for living in the suburbs, yes; it's so very different. I'm still settling in. Everything closes after 6pm!

How's it going for you?

Orchid

Hi everyone,

I've been out of the loop for a while, been getting used to living outside the city and getting settled in. I hope everyone is good. I'll catch up on posts in a bit.

An issue has just come up - my Gran has cancer. I met her today and she looked pretty bad, she's tough but looks weak. Anyway, my family aren't that supportive to her and most of her friends are a lot older than her. So I thought it would be nice if my Mother in Law went over to see her.

I mentioned this to my husband earlier and he said he thought it's be nice. When he asked her just now, she said no and that it'd be better to wait until we're there. I really don't get it - my Gran has always been great to my MIL, when her husband was ill she went to see him, sent him gifts etc.

I didn't say much when my husband told me as I was pretty annoyed.

Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would visit my Gran?

Orchid

Resultsgal -

I was away from here quite a long time.

Now I read the last posts and be sorry for you.
I was not aware you thinking about breaking up.

I agree on the point you made that no one from us can know how the marriage from the other person is.

I am so sorry that I always come here when I am sad or vent or complain.
So it must look like I am permanently unlucky or ungrateful. Non of that is true.

But it's like in the news, in the media. You look TV news and what do you see?
War, Terror, Illness, Poverty.
Who of the journalists do ever make a story about success stories?

When do you hear about a country who had not been in wars for decades or ages?
You will not hear or see.
When will you see the families which are happy?
You will not, no story, no sensation.

And in a way, I am alike.
I say to my defense that I am really very busy and very overworked.
And so it comes that in the "good times" of my marriage your hear nothing.
No praisal, not thankfulness, nothing.
But than, when there are "bad times" I am back here.

So when you made the point that we can not know how the marriages of the others are, I thought, that's it.

Do you remember I talked about going out?
We now have regular date nite and it goes very well.

Resultsgal and Girlracer -

What makes me nervous or sad sometimes, is that we have not much sex.
It makes me feel undesirable.

I work already on the physical side of that.
Getting me into better shape, my body.
Getting me better clothes for that purpose, meaning for the leisure time in general, for night time in special.
Try to overcome my sometimes lazyness with shaving.

But I feel the physical side is only one side.
Must also check the inner side of me.
Am I ready to have sex?

I'm reading with great pleasure about your dating experience! Just relax and enjoy!

I read General Rules Advice and Married/Engaged.

Joy Rose has excellent posts and is a big proponent of multi dating and WUMTHS, for those that are into that. She doesn't post tons.

Rowantree is a certified rules facilitator, but I'm not sure how current her thread is.

There are lots of good book threads, Fascinating Womanhood, John Gray, Dr. Laura, GTID, Searching for Courtship.

The board loads and reads faster than this one. There are lots of posters.

There is an online dating thread which I've never read.

There are 2 permanent threads, Success Stories and Advice not in the Rules Books that are good.

Just look around a bit more, I'm sure you'll find something you like. Again, it goes much faster than the thirdage reading.

Good luck and I look forward to reading more of your dating success!

Do you have particular threads on World Crossing that you recommend? Whenever I get on there I check out a few threads and the conversations seem off topic and kind of scattered. Maybe I'm not on the right one?

Thanks!

Things are going well for me. I love being married. My hubby is wonderful. Not perfect, nor am I, but he does try and cares to make me happy. But then again we're basically newlyweds.

John Gray of the Mars/Venus books addresses some of what has been discussed on what guys do for us.

Men keep score differently. When they do something big, like build an addition to accommodate our kids or set up an IRA for us from their income, they assign LOTS of points to that action. They think they've earned, say, 100 points in the heart of their lady and can relax for a while.

Actually, we keep score differently, according to John Gray. We attach the same amount of points for big actions as well as small ones. Whether he puts a new roof on the house, or thoughtfully clears his plate from the table after dinner, or gives us a back massage, we attach equal importance to these actions, big and small.

I don't think I'm explaining it very well and I dont' have the book here. I'm going by a reminder from a thread on the World Crossing board.

OK, found a quote:

i Men need to understand that to women, every gift of love scores equally with every other gift, regardless of size. Women need to learn to redirect their energies into giving men what they want, not what women think they want.

John Gray has a book with quotes and thoughts for each day of the year, I think this next quote comes from that:

i "A woman cannot appreciate the big things a man does for her unless he is also doing a lot of little things. Doing a lot of little things fulfills her primary need to be cared for, understood, and respected."

i That's exactly what John Gray said about women. For women, a big act or a small act from a man is worth 1 point for a woman. Whereas for a man, a big act is worth 100 points and a small act is worth 1 point.

Check out the World Crossing message board. It's very active. Has a larger community of married women and women in general following the rules.

http://wc4.worldcrossing.com/webx?14@@.ef1d0e5

Well, I just really don't know what to
say. It does seem that Cat's
observations are correct, and it does
seem like a widespread problem. I
agree with Resultsgal's take on this. It
would be like a woman wanting to get
married so she could stop having to
have so much sex!

Like I said, I don't know what to say.

It helps to remember two things: it
would be like this with almost any
man you married, so in many cases
it's worth working at it, and also that
there are probably other things he
does. i.e. I am not working full-time
yet due to studying and a career
change, so my husband has taken the
initiative - completely unbidden by
me - to set up an IRA pension scheme
for me, for this year and last year. I
mean, that's romantic, isn't it? He is
away in NYC for two days and hasn't
called me, which bothers me. Isn't that
silly, I mean of course the pension is
the bigger gesture. I just think it's
really hard - almost impossible - for
men to tune into our finer needs.
Maybe that's what Cat's husband
meant, more that he can stop trying so
hard, in that he wants a rest, not that
he doesn't want to make her happy
anymore.

When a man says he doesn't want to
be romantic, we hear, 'I don't care
about making you happy. You're stuck
with me now, so what are you gonna
do about it?' That's what we hear. But
maybe it's more like, 'I get so tired
trying to figure out this game, which is
just too full of nuances for me. Can't
we just be?'

Trying to put a positive spin on this!

Also, I wonder if the way our society
romanticizes marriage is partly to
blame. Perhaps, in spite of ourselves,
our expectations are just too high. I
think society encourages people to
marry so strongly because it
perpetuates the species. I think this
happens in any organized tribe. Ask
an anthropologist. Promoting the ideal
of marriage feels right subconsciously
because it means we won't die out.

In addition, many people prefer to
pretend that their life, including their
marriage, is perfect. I think lots of
people would never admit that their
husband forgot their birthday and
hasn't taken them to a nice restaurant
in a year. Having a so-called 'perfect
marriage' is a status symbol, like a
Mulberry handbag. My sister is a bit
like this. She never utters a word, and
I know he isn't perfect. Even when he
got taken to court because he was
sitting in a first-class carriage on a
train with an ordinary ticket (he had to
finish something on the computer for
a deadline and immediately offered to
pay the extra, so it was just bad luck,
nasty ticket inspector) even when that
happened, my sister kept it from
Mum, Dad and me. We found out
much later. Such is her need that her
life appears 'perfect'.

So I do think all this perfection makes
us think our own marriages are falling
short. A bit of tailing off is probably
unavoidable. I get busy with my own
things - at least, I'm learning to cope
with it that way.

On the positive side, we have been out
on a few dates since I last talked to
him about it. Without fail, there is an
upspring of laughter and sex when we
make the effort to get out of the
house together. It just goes to show
how vital it is.

Men. Honestly, if it was up to him he
would have sat back while the whole
thing withered on the vine.

I think getting married has affected
my respect for men a bit.

Thanks for sharing the insight Catechist99. I realized many men think they no longer had to court, but not that this might actually be an incentive to marry.

That would be like a woman wanting to marry so she could gain weight, stop making an effort to look nice and stop buying pretty underwear.

Hi ladies.....I thought I'd chime in on this. It seems many of us RG's got married and have been shocked by the changes in our husbands. During courtship they doted on us, bought us gifts, couldn't keep their hands off us, spoiled us with attention....and now they lay around like slugs with bad breath and gripe and complain about the house and sigh loudly and roll eyes when you try to initiate romance. WTF?!?

My husband has shared something illuminating recently. He asked me when he could stop doing "nice" things for me and start being "himself"???? Huh? I asked him if he faked all the romance and courtship and he said no. But that it just isn't "manly" to act this way after you're married.

So men may have expectations that when they marry they can quit courting us and just relax and "be thmeselves" I didn't realize until Blue Collar shared this with me that this was an actual incentive for him to marry me. He believed he could stop doing these things. I've been working on retraining him on this. I've found that dressing a little sexier and being a little less available or slightly preoccupied helps in this department. I don't have "talks" with him. If he isn't acting properly I get up and leave the room with a smile and he usually grabs me and says "Hey you come back here" and then I get undivided attention and hugs and kisses.

When we become a wife we are there all the time and there isn't anything for him to hunt. So he quits hunting you because he's already "bagged" you so to speak.

Admiring handsome actors and athletes also gets the male fires burning because even the most shy man (my hubby) is competitive at some level.

Just my 2 cents............

Congratulations!! That is wonderful! I always had a good feeling about that man.