TR SOS

Hello,
How are you? I saw your profile today at http:(www.thirdage.com)and feel like contacting you.I feel we may become matches(liliankuru@yahoo.com) is my contact. Kindly make a contact if you are interested, so that i can send you my picture for you to know who iam meanwhile my name is Lilian. I will appreciate it if you give a good responds.Thanks and remain blessed.
(Remember the distance,color or age does not matter but love matters alot in life)

Hi DreamGirls!

If you're looking for the good threads from the old ThirdAge TR Forum, we're here...COME JOIN US!!!

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=108392

new Thirdage Forum:

http://www.thirdage.com/dating/discussions/the-rules-book-dating-relatio...

Thanks Leonette, Am I moving too quickly in ending this? I met him in March. Should I let it go on for a bit longer or end it now.

Hello, I am sorry that you are in this situation, it is hard but sometimes it is better to get it over and done with if you are sure that this is not the relationship for you.

You could start by doing your husband sun (my favourite self help thing). This will help you get it clear in your head exactly what you
b NEED
in a relationship for it to work for you - use all your past experiences to fill out your Non-Negotiables (completely non-negotiable, not a wish list). If you work through your past relationships you will find that something was missing from each which made it not work for you ie. making the effort to date you, financial responsibility etc

Also, keep busy doing things that you like doing.

I met this guy on line in March. His son lives with him sometimes. We've dated up to now (July) most ever week unless his son is there. He is a gentleman, great catch, is very nice when we are together. We go out often, etc. Not a lot of phone calls or intensity however. I go two week periods with no contact (email/phone/etc.). He has made no promises but I did see his profile on Match. He knows I did see it and I admitted it. Mine was up on another site and he saw it. I think it bothered him that it was up but he wouldn't admit it. He asked me if I was ok with how things were going. I told him I wasn't sure and I'd have to think about it. When I asked him what he wanted out of a relationship I got the classic "I don't know what I want". This to me means he doesn't want me. I could go on doing this sporadic dating but I do want more. I know I have to break it off. I really like this guy but it's not the relationship I'm looking for. Can you guys lend some support before I do this?

The whole idea of TR is not to wait around for anyone - just get on with your life and love only those who love you. Date others now!!!

It is hard to start with but gradually you will find that you do not find men who treat you badly attractive at all. This is how it protects your feminine emotions.

I would suggest that you read about the '8 weeks without' in the GTID. It explains about emotional bonding and why it takes a man a certain length of time to realise what he really wants.

Emotions are not something I am particularly good at because for a very long time I was completely emotionally detached within relationships. The only thing I can suggest it to get busy - each day plan what you will do 3 days in advance and stick to it. This forms a habit of not being available for last minute dates and builds respect (from friends as well as men) for your time.

Onwards and upwards!

Hi and welcome to the boards.

I know how difficult it is but there really is nothing else you can do at this stage - he has your number and can get hold of you whenever he wants to. You set a very good, self respecting boundary.

My advice to you at the moment would be to get busy -join some activities that you enjoy, for yourself because you never know where you are going to meet a man who will be right for you so you may as well be doing something you can enjoy without a man. I met my man at salsa classes where I had only gone for a laugh and to accompany a friend. Funniest thing is, he is a fantastic dancer and I have two left feet and no sense of rythmn!

Anyway, back to you - try reading some more books like, He's Just Not Into You, Why Men Love Bitches, Mars and Venus on a Date and Getting to I Do. I loved He's Just Not Into You - I found myself nodding my way through thinking 'How was I silly enough not to realise that!'

Take care and be nice to yourself!

((hugs))

HI TAYLOR! Just popping in! Gosh, your advice is sound! Me? SDF has just called ten times in the last two weeks...after three years! I picked up once and he asked if I like fresh picked cherries!

This was a typical SF 'date plan' in total.

I know, 'don't help', but I WAS over him.

What would you do????????????

Spiller

That's great that you find inspiration here!

That is exactly what brought me to the boards, too. And, at that time, I would read posts from other ladies saying the exact same thing about finding Mr. Right. Unfortunately, when I first came here, it took some major overhauling to get to the point where I finally walked away from that relationship and decided to do TRs.

Now, I cannot imagine any other way. Sounds like you already get what took me so long to figure out! That's great!

As for men and rings....unfortunately, yes, this does happen. Lucky for us, TRs will quickly weed these guys out.

Taylor

taylor3

You just inspired me more to do TR's and I'm also finding out nowadays that men who may be married don't wear rings anymore and can use that to fool other women. so i did a survery REAL MEN who respect their women wear them and men who are PLAYERS OR PRICKS DON"T.

that if this man has any intention of marrying you, then you will learn that quickly, also, by doing no contact.

If he really sees a future and marriage with you, then he is not going to let you go.

So, you see, you have nothing to lose!

Just start seeing him less on saturdays and that will create some distance and if you can do more activities with your child or set up playdates.

ok here goes....
i am a recent rules convert... and have been doing TR with a man who i used to date before i knew how to conduct myself. we have been intimate and all that, but never in an official relationship. so i broke up with his non committing butt, and started another serious relationship. that was a rules relationship. it was beautiful, but that man got very ill and is no longer in the picture.

the rules work. no doubt about it. since i have been single again, his commitment issues and all other issues he had seem to be melted away now. HOWEVER we work in a very unusual situation... we are in a band together. we see each other one weekday/week for rehearsals, as well as at least one weekend night/week for performances. we also have day jobs. he calls me several times a day, gives me thoughtful gifts, is sweet and loving, but MAN it is so hard to crack down on time spent together, and getting a saturday date. we are not sleeping together since i started doing the rules hardcore, and he told me he loves me for the first time. anyway, i need some advice... how do i take things to the next level... he knows my child, is intricately involved in my life, but i can't distance myself enough for him to miss me!!! i need some alternatives to the saturday date, as well as some advice for creating distance.

Do nothing!! Well, except go out and have fun with your friends. If he wants to ring you he will. Guys can take ages plucking up the courage to ring. He may be waiting until he sees you again this weekend.

Get busy and have fun.

((hugs))

Hi. I just joined because I want to do this relationship right. I always move to fast and screw up relationships that way.

Here it goes. I went to a club with some friends and we ran into a guy I used to go to high school with. I had a huge crush on him in high school, but he never noticed me. I was very geeky with braces and baggy clothes. So he's gorgeous now and he flirted with me that night. He invited us to his house for drinks. We meant to go, but we didn't because one of my friends felt tired.

The next weekend we ran into him again at the same club. He put his arm around me, we danced, he asked for my number. He asked us to go to his house for drinks. We did. It was very friendly, but he did have his arm around me almost the entire night and hugged me goodnight and grabbed my hand tight. If it weren't for my friends forcing me to behave, I KNOW I would have made out with him.

So it's been 5 days. I'm not going to call him, but it's been FIVE DAYS! Some of my friends are pressuring me to call him and say hi, but I want to do this one right.

So how long does it take for a guy to call? I've had a guy wait a long as 2 days, but this seems so long. What should I do?

I agree with Ladyx2k2; cook him dinner, nothing extravagant or requiring too much effort (and then have plans to go out to a bar/pub afterwards so he can't get too "comfy").

If after this it doesn't stop his whining, NEXT.

My ex-bf started dropping little digs like that after a couple of months. His idea of him taking me away for a long weekend involved buying me an EasyJet flight and then us splitting the cost of everything else!

I recently dated a guy who was seriously into me (unfortunately I did not feel the same) and on not one of our 6 dates did he EVER bring up the fact that I had not paid a single penny.

Actually, I'm starting to think you should just next him now as no guy would dream of whining on about money and his lack of it to his DG. He should be doing all he can to try and impress you.

If he keeps complaining about paying for dates TR's says he should be thinking that the money he spends on you is worth it. You did suggest inexpensive dates so you are within the rules . Maybe cook a meal to show you are grateful and if that doesn't work then NEXT!!!!!!!!!

I met a guy a while back and we became friends (we actually were "sports buddies"). I never in a lifetime imagined that I could fancy him. We saw each other a couple of times a week and it was obvious that he liked me. I flirted a little bit but that was about it (of course I never called him so I was applying The Rules without noticing!). A month ago I started to realize that I liked him!! Since we don't have a lot in common, I "fought" my feelings so ... I continue applying The Rules without noticing.

A couple of weeks ago, we spent a day together (doing some sportsy thing) and he kissed me for the first time. Next time we saw each other again we spent the day with more sportsy stuff and we had sex that night. My feeling at that point was that I would never fall for him. The thing is that I'm falling for him and I'd like to start applying The Rules. I don't see him two often (once or twice a week at the most) and I rarely call/email him. But I freaked out with him in terms of getting involved and I had sex. I know that he's seriously into me ... but not sure if this is long term !

I know that I'll continue doing sports with him since that's our thing and we already had sex. What advice would you give me moving forward to start working with The Rules?
Thanks my friends

Thank you a million for your advice!

I told her already ; D

She's a high school student, and have been with her bf for 9 months. She's the rules gal like me.

She having a problem on this situation, her bf knocked from his friend and got a big injury - nose bone break and non-stop blood.

So, he was operated from a doctor.
A doctor ordered him to take a rest in his home for 1 month - not go to the school.

My younger sister asked me if she saw him in his house ? ( her bf never encourage her to visit his house before.)

So, what should my sister do on this situation?

(I'm understand that her need to care and belong him.)

Please give me an advice, I searched in the rules book (Thai Version) and didn't see any explain that's match for this situation!

Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. : (

Gosh, Hisbrwnidgrl

I'm so sorry, that is sad.

(((Hugs)))

Petal466

Please disregard my previous question about should I send him a note. I just found out that he died in 1986. Thanks Dee Dee

Excuse me, what does a Lili Files mean? I don't understand, and I see another rules girls posted it for several times.

PS. I'm a new member on this board.

Should I sent him a note?

Hi, I am wondering if I should sent a note to my first true love. We met in high school he was my best friend for 2 years. He watched me date other guys and was still around. He knew I did not want anything more than friends but he kept trying. He would send me flowers on valentines day and I went to the Christmas dance with him. I moved to New Jersey from California in my junior year of high school. He would write me deligently. He saved up money to come and see me during the summer of our junior year. He was my first time sexually and I was his. My feelings changed for him that summer. I had missed him terribly when we moved and realized I loved him. I had visited him during Christmas break in California, he was somewhat distant and was upset that we had slept together. I was not religious at the time but he was a strong Catholic and I think he felt guilty having sex before marriage. We were both very naive at the time. After my senior year I moved back to California and he had grown distant and was dating another girl. We ended up going to the same junior college but he made no attempts to see me. It was obviously over. His girlfriend at the time came to my work one day and said..All he talks about is you! I was angry that he was stringing her along and was telling me nothing. I have not spoken to him since this time and this was over thirty years ago. I have thought about him over the years and still love him..I am wondering if I should just write a quick note to say hi how are ya and see if he contacts me back. I had to do a search for him and it looks like he is not married..do not know though. I'm kind of wanting to put it to rest one way or the other, rather than think about him and what could have possibly been. Thanks for your help. Dee Dee

Can someone please send me the Lili Files?

donafininha@gmail.com

Thanks! :)

Could someone, please, send me the Lili Files?

donafininha@gmail.com

I ve been living with a christian male roommare for almost 4 months- he and i both work from home. when i moved in i was going through a heart wrenching break-up- he knows ALL about the rules and everything else about me. i have a deep respect for him. the good news is that im not AS attracted to him as many other men ive dated, but i Have hooked up and fallen Madly in love with a roommate before- it was wonderful, until it totally wasn't. actually, ellen and sherrie gave me a consultation during that time and told me to ask him to move out and if he really loved me he would come back. i did it in a bitchy way, i must say, and when he moved out he was way gone for good (back with his old girlfriend who i think he never had broken up with- and ive since told her! oh my!)

anyhoo- what i got from the ellen sherrie session was that if he is asking me on dates is fine while he is living here. we kind of laughed about him doing the rules now- we both spoke out of the sides of our mouths like "err..wednesday before saturday..." and started laughing.

so now what. good news is i may move to venice CA for a few months and ive been planning concretely to move out asap bc the apartment is too expensive for me and too noisy (he would stay).

ithis all happened las tnight so i havent processed wthe otherpotential consequences, yet. were in ny so getting new roommates is easy as pie. i will say he does seem a it smitten but hes mentioned he has absoplutely no intention o being married.

i kind of think i dont need to stress too much bc hes not my dream man Except that he is a chrsitian and So nice, and wealthy and we go to church together already! he took me to th ebeach this week and was Such a gentleman. hes extremely kind and thoughtful but he has his man side...

i am planning on not being all over him, not going into his room first (lol), going out with friends tonight and not spending it with him. i need to protect my sleep, too! i cant be doing this every night of the week!

any words of wisdom and caution Very welcome!

thanks !!

Thanks for the advice!

Yes, it is a LOT like withdrawal. I'm so glad someone understands. Well, it's been a week of no contact, it's been hard but this TR Bootcamp has been a long time coming.

I know a lot of people are shocked to know we are not yet married and we've been together for four years. Actually, I discretely dated others even though we were together but nothing physical ever, just flirting around and seeing what else is out there.

We have already discussed and planned out our future but I've always been adamant that I want to achieve several career goals first before settling down and he knows this and has been understanding. That's why we are not married yet because it's not my priority right now.

if you make it up in your mind that you want a quality relationship and not get burned by men again you need TR's it also demands that men respect you because it weeds out players and pricks and men who are only into you for sex or fun eveyr woman on this planet deserves respect from men and to be treated with respect. TR's with it's behaviors and standards makes you harder to get so any man who doesn't really like won't waste his or your time. Men are wired not to express their feelings like us women a good book that would help explain this is Men are From Mars Women from Venus.

I want the rules to work for me but i am way to impatient. I date an awful lot and find myself with moret than a few men who just arent very verbal with their feelings. Do i wait cause everyone is different. Btw I do not wait patiently i am a NAG. probably a real NO NO. HELP.

"he shouted again and started hitting the car"

RUN AWAY!!!

Reminds me of my ex-bf who I witnessed hitting the steering wheel, hitting his head when he didn't get his own way, and even ripping up a jumper a la Incredible Hulk which I had accidentally shrunk in the wash (well if he did leave it on the floor at my place and it's making my flat smelly of course I'd sanitize it!)

The fact he has shouted at you in front of other people too is scary; he thinks that it is acceptable, normal behaviour.

Chances are if you have kids, he would yell at you in front of them - imagine what the kids would turn out like.

I never saw my father yell at my mother, ever.

Your guy sounds abusive, please do read "Red Flags- How to Know When You're Dating a Loser" and HJNTIY.

you may have to make a disappearing act yourself until then and let him worry about his birthday without you but try to redo TR's and don't ignore the redflags . If he continues to pull away try to do tr's and date others.

Hi. I used to post in the Shellen Inc. board before but stopped when I thought I found The One.

Historically, I have always been rulesy. My BF and I met when we were both college seniors and it was rulesy from the very beginning well until the first and a half year of our relationship. All his actions showed how much he valued and loved me and he was always very sweet. We have been together for four years and along the way I started noticing red/pink flags but never enough to break it off because I thought I should stick it out as long as the good outweighs the bad. He has talked about marriage and children but he and I are both not yet ready as we're still in our early 20s. I guess I've become lax and started acting unrulesy (accepting last minute dates, initating plans, etc.)

Now we have been having problems and I am reminded about all the red/pink flags that I noticed before but ignored. Our recent problems started when after a night out with my younger brothers (who are still in high school), he lost his temper in front of them and shouted at me in front of them. This upset me and I told him so as soon as my brothers had been dropped off and were out of the car. We had an argument and he shouted again and started hitting the car. I told him not to talk to me like that. He stormed out, and I U-turned the car and left him. We didn't communicate for two weeks. He stood me up for a date that had planned upon a month in advance (family thing). When our four year anniversary came up, I (very unrulesy, I know!) texted him, "Happy Anniversary?" and he replied, "Happy 4 Years, love." And I ended up asking him to meet me that day. Officially, we made-up that day but I am still very hurt.

I saw him again recently (I initiated because I was feeling down about work and thought seeing him would make me feel better). During dinner, I asked him if I didn't contact him on our anniversary, would he have. He said "Probably not." (Ouch!) I grew quiet. Later on, I asked if he had any plans to make it up to me (the anniversary). He said, "Why?" I said, "To celebrate it." He was silent then said: "It depends." I told him to answer yes or no. And he shrugged and said, "Yeah, I guess." We parted ways with me very upset and I don't think he had a clue why and thought it was work that was upsetting. He was very affectionate when I was weeping.

Some of the red/pink flags that have popped out in the course of the rel'p when I stopped being rulesy: He never calls (only texts), he can go for a month without seeing or talking to me (I try to disappear and we have this weird unspoken power play of seeing who can last the longest and he always wins and I come running back, like the above example), last minute dates, on our date day which is sunday he is always hours late and when he shows up he is often disheveled and looks like he just stepped out of bed (my mother noticed this and didn't like that he didn't care enough to look presentable when he visits me), the way he loses his temper with me scares me sometimes, it is difficult for him to compromise on big decisions in the rel'p, and lastly one of my best friends doesn't like the way he treats me.

What do I do? My head is telling me to cut my losses with this one, but he is my first big love and four years is very hard to throw away. We are again in the middle of some sort power play. After the way we last parted, I didn't want to communicate with him for a while and he has not attempted to do anything either. His birthday is coming up next week. And I don't know if I should keep up with my disappearance/pulling away until then.

Silk2 B

The fact that you haven't met any of his family members or friends is a HUGE RED FLAG he may have some things to hide. from experience when the guy doesn't let you meet his family or friends it usually means he may be hiding a Girlfriend or a wife or may be just the player type. One guy a while back wanted to only see me after 11pm and also didn't want me to meet his family or friends.

Don't initiate anything and do TR's unless he proves to you that he can't live without you or set up a proper rules date he doesn't exist until he ask you out or begs for you to come back along with proper dates to see you.

Remember you are a CUAO and rules girls don't waste time on relationships that don't go nowhere.