Dear Steve and Cathy,
My boyfriend is a Rush Limbaugh fan; I can't stand the guy. During the Palestinian conflict he cheered when Israel bombed, and I think that the Israelis have a lot of nerve building settlements in occupied territory. We met at my 50th birthday party and have been together ever since. We have a great relationship, but this political stuff drives both of us crazy. How do we communicate about world events without triggering our own heated Holy War? -- I.
Cathy responds:
You can't! Discuss politics and world events with a friend instead. Avoid talking about politics with your boyfriend and you might avoid those minefields (remember, you can't see the mines before they explode). When beliefs are so polarized, discussions too often disintegrate into a "who is right and who is wrong" debate. Both of you will personalize the differences, feel invalidated, and stomp off into your own corners to lick your wounds.
You've got a great relationship -- stick with the positives. Relationships don't have to fulfill all of our needs, and at midlife we have the experience to recognize when to back off. This is one of those times. Discuss other issues and enjoy the information exchange; don't try to have it all.
Nonetheless, if you do decide to get into the ring and challenge each other's beliefs, here are several things you must do to avoid World War III:
1. Remind yourself that he has a right to his thoughts and beliefs, honed over the years, just like yours.2. Listen with empathy and validate his position no matter how nuts it seems to you.3. Summarize and walk away when you start moving up the anger meter, before you enter the red zone. Don't try to one-up him under any conditions.Steve says:Cathyis absolutely right here. Rule No. 1 when it comes to political orreligious differences is to allow them. That means avoiding littleeditorial jabs as well.For instance, when a political faux pas happens on the team your husband roots for and it's on the news, avoid out-loud digs and snickers. If you were watchingby yourself, you'd think them but not voice them. Give your partner thesame courtesy.But let'ssay you do your part and your partner slips. Two things. First, listenpolitely. It'll prevent things from escalating. Usually we raise ourvoices when we feel stopped or frustrated; don't give him a wall topush on. You might even learn something. Even a blowhard likeRush has some substance.Second, when your husband throws outsome bait, don't bite the hook. You can also ask him to reel it in. Forinstance, if he grimaces when your political party resurfaces with a retort at his team's faux pas andthen mumbles, loud enough for you to hear, some pet name he has for your favorite leader, you can choose not to respond, leave for a fewminutes, or politely say, "Now, now, honey, let's not go there." The Bottom Line From Cathy and Steve:1. When it comes to arguing political differences in an ongoing intimate relationship, just don't do it. 2. Listening briefly to a partner can lower his or her emotionaltemperature. Besides, you might even learn something along the way.3. If your partner pushes, don't push back. You can choose to ignorethe first gambit, withdraw into another room, or politely redirect theconversation.
Source: Relationships & Love
