Once upon a time, there was no online dating. You had to hope that you’d meet a man at a bar or a party or in the produce section of your local supermarket. Maybe a friend would fix you up. And if you were lucky, the guy would be halfway decent. But that was a rarity.
When online dating first started in the mid-1990s, a lot of people were ashamed to admit they had signed up. There was a stigma attached, a stigma that online dating was a last resort. An embarrassment. It said, “I’m a loser. I can’t meet a man any other way. Now I have to resort to this.”
Not true. Where else can you spend a couple of hours “meeting” hundreds of men? Men who meet specific criteria that you select. Age, geographic location, educational background, political leaning.
Anyone who’s looking for a man and isn’t looking online is absolutely crazy. And anyone who’s online and won’t admit it is crazy, too. Tell someone that you’re on an online dating site and inevitably their response will be a variation on a theme: “Oh, my best friend’s sister-in-law did online dating, and that’s how she met her husband.” How reinforcing is that? Trust me, you could be at your most demoralized, and when you hear those words, you’ll perk up. “There’s (still) hope for me,” you’ll say to yourself. And you’re right.
It’s not just about finding an online dating service. You don’t have to join more than one unless you really want to. And you shouldn’t join for less than three months when you first get started. And once you’ve decided on the site, the real work begins.: Posting your best photos, writing your best profile, and actively working the system. When you do, you’ll meet men. Lots of them. The more you meet, the better your chance of meeting the special one – or special ones.
The more frogs you kiss, the closer you’ll get to the prince. It’s a numbers game, after all. We all hope for a low number, but it doesn’t always work that way. And, unfortunately, we never know what our number is. Until we reach it.
So, be prepared to work hard. Put yourself out there. The biggest mistake you can make is to wait for men to come to you. If there’s one word you need to repeat to yourself, it’s “proactive.” Putting yourself out there isn’t just about posting photos and a profile, then sitting there and waiting for the men to contact you. No, it’s about you contacting men, men, and more men. This is a job, but the good news is, you’re your own boss. You make your own hours, and a lot of it is going to be in the privacy of your own home searching the site for men who look interesting enough to contact. Hey, you can do it in your underwear!
But even before you hop into that underwear, there’s a lot of preparation. A lot of thinking, questioning, soul-searching. It’s about taking a good, hard look at yourself and deciding whether there are any major decisions you have to make about yourself. I’m talking about your personality, your appearance, your outlook, your goals. You’re the one who has to decide whether there are things you truly don’t like about yourself. If you think it’s necessary to make some changes, get it done before you join an online dating service. But only if you -- and only you -- think it’s necessary.
Then, there’s the whole notion of emotional readiness -- a divorce, a death, the demise of a lengthy relationship.
I’m a believer in sooner rather than later for the following reasons: It’s going to be difficult no matter how long it takes. You’re going to go through the same trials and tribulations no matter how long it takes. You are going to have to follow the same rules to succeed no matter how long it takes. Life’s short. Do it now. Still, no one but you can determine how long a mourning period you need.
OK, so you’re ready. You still need to prepare yourself for what’s in store, especially the inevitable rejections. Remember, if you never allow yourself to be rejected, you’ll never have the opportunity to be accepted.
In the worst of times, use mantras, like “This too shall pass” or “There are hundreds more where he came from.” Both are absolutely true. Sure, it’s going to feel demoralizing in a what’s-wrong-with-me sort of way. And you may actually need to look at what’s wrong with you, and then make the necessary changes. That doesn’t mean changing who you are (unless you really want to); it means changing expectations, setting new goals, creating new realities.
Always remember -- and keep reminding yourself -- that you’re in charge here. No, I’m not kidding. You really are in control. It’s all about how you see it, how you work the system. Make your own rules, and play by those rules. But never get locked into them. Give them a chance, but if they stop working for you, feel free to change them just as you should feel free to change your photos or your profile.
Don’t be surprised if your expectations and goals are too lofty in the beginning. There’s nothing wrong with modifying them; that’s the way you stay in control. That’s the way you ameliorate disappointment. In the beginning, it’s hard not to expect that the man you’re meeting tonight is going to be “The One.” After a while, your expectation will be: “The man I meet tonight will enrich my life in some way.” At other times it will be: “Well, it’s better than watching TV alone” (though sometimes it’s not). At all times it will be: “Here’s a new story to tell my friends.”
So welcome to the wacky world of online dating. It’s a veritable roller coaster ride. The highs, the lows, the lowers. One step forward, two steps back. At least that’s how it’ll often feel. But there’ll be many times that you will be taking steps forward and none back.
You’ve heard it before, I’m sure: Set realistic expectations, and you won’t be disappointed.
It doesn’t matter how old you are. Age is only a number, especially when you make online dating work for you. I did. You can, too. I felt in control. You can, too.
You’ll laugh; you’ll cry. Your heart will be broken; you’ll break a heart or two. You’ll learn something, you’ll grow from every experience you have, even the worst of them. I did. You will, too.
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