He Says, She Says: Sex on the First Date

Drinks, dinner, conversation...sex? Single women wonder why they can't meet a man for a nice evening out without him hinting that he'd like to hop into the sack -- on the first night! While some men believe they're being sincerely honest by telling a woman she's attractive and he'd like to sleep with her, these aren't the men looking for a committed relationship.

Here, we take a look at what women and men have to say about a man's desire to get too much too soon:

• Times haven't changed much: "It's no different than it was in the '50s, except the boys then just wanted to pet," says Giselle Blum, 61, a four-year divorcee from New Orleans, La. "With a smile, move slightly away and say, 'I'm not into that.' Explain briefly what you are looking for -- friendship, possible romance. The men who want to go to bed fast aren't the ones you want."
• Alcohol should be avoided: "It may relax the individual, but it 'inhibits the inhibitors' and makes sexual aggression more likely to occur," says Mary Martin of San Clemente, Calif.
• Sorry guys, but dinner means just dinner: "Some men think the price of dinner includes a show," says Patricia Partin of Fairbanks, Alaska."That's why all of my dates are in a restaurant or very public place for at least the first three or more."
• Take it from a cowgirl: Patricia Starck of Indio, Calif., who refers to herself as "just a cowgirl," says, "I take it as a compliment to my sexual presence, tip my cowboy hat, and say, 'Thank you. I'll let you know when I'm ready.' If they won't accept that, I get rough."
• Throw him a curveball: "Ask to meet his mother first. If he has no interest in introducing you to the significant people in his life, he'll probably run after getting what he wants," suggests Gina Woodruff, 37, of Long Beach, Calif. "Asking to meet his mom may make him run sooner, but then you can laugh about it instead of crying later."

What men think:

• Is this guy angling? Bruce Boyocks, a Southern California beach lover, says, "Ladies, believe it or not, most guys will not go to bed with just anyone. Be thankful when a guy expresses interest. It could be a compliment." Bruce makes a point, but notice he says "could." Sounds like he's negotiating to me!
• Sex as a sport? Tom Blosser, 46, of Aliso Viejo, Calif., who is now in a happy and monogamous relationship, says, "When I was unattached, I viewed sex as a sport. And there were women who viewed it the same way." Tom's girlfriend, Artis, agrees with him, and says she knows women who still view sex that way.
• Cart before the horse: Barry Atkins, 46, says, "After the sex, if we enjoyed each other just being together, then I'll want to get to know her with the intention of building a long-term relationship." Most women would say that Barry's statement is "putting-the-cart-before-the-horse" thinking.

Here's my advice of what to do if a man wants to get you to bed prematurely:

• Ask him about his relationship goals. If he has no interest in having a relationship, write him off. It means he's only interested in sex.
• Tell him, "I'm an affectionate, warm and passionate woman. If we become a couple, I'll enjoy sharing those things with you." Some men are willing to wait, but don't want a cold fish.
• He's putting both of you at risk. He doesn't know whom you've been with, and you don't know whom he's been with. What if somebody has a disease? It's not worth the risk.

To avoid meeting men who are only looking for sex, stay out of cocktail lounges and don't "meet for a drink." A coffee date or lunch is better. Meeting someone through your church or while doing volunteer work may also be a safe bet.

Remember that sex on the first date has no meaning, will leave you feeling empty, and is too dangerous. Avoid it.

Tom Blake is the author of Middle Aged and Dating Again (Tooter's, 1997).