How to Make a Genuine Connection While on a Date

You are on a first or second date. You are sitting across from a fabulous someone, or an OK someone who could become your fabulous someone. You are trying to get to know this person, to see if you want to keep dating him or her.

If you have been around the dating block more than once, you don't just want heat and attraction: You want compatibility. You want to build a relationship that will work well, and that won't take a lot of effort and drama to maintain.

But how do you, right now, sitting there on a second date, find out if this person across from you is compatible with and right for you? There is no way to completely shortcut spending time with this person -- and time will surely tell. But you may be able to reduce the time it takes to get to know someone by about 50 percent.And you may be able to reduce the heartaches and headaches of finding out too late that you are with the wrong person by about 80 percent. How? It's all in the art of conversation. Specific techniques can help you shortcut the "getting to know you" process. That way you can determine more quickly if you are with the right person or not.

When having a conversation with a person, especially if you are trying to get to know someone, always dig deeper. A person's initial comment or answer to a question is just the information on the surface. You want to go beneath the surface, to the heart of the person's thoughts, attitudes and beliefs. It almost does not matter what the topic is; what is important is how deeply the two of you can delve into the conversation.

A surface conversation may sound something like this:

• Dater 1: Do you want to get married someday?
• Dater 2: I don't know, I guess it would depend on the situation.

Typically after Dater 2's comment, both people would feel uncomfortable and one of them would introduce a new topic to avoid falling into silence. Meanwhile Dater 1, who likely needs to know whether Dater 2 wants marriage in the future or not, did not get any useful information. Dater 2 may also make some assumptions about Dater 1 that may keep the relationship from developing.

This kind of surface conversation can happen around any topic, not just marriage. Perhaps in your situation marriage is not an issue, but you would like to know if the person you are dating knows how to communicate well. Or maybe you want to know if he or she has resolved problems that came up in or caused the end of the past relationship. Maybe you simply want to know if he or she knows how to clean up after himself or herself! A surface conversation may not give you any of this information. But a deep conversation will, and in the process will start to build a bond between the two of you in a way only an intimate conversation can.

Regardless of the topic of conversation, always keep asking in different ways: "Who are you?" of the other person. Don't settle for surface answers, but keep asking and sharing until you can see the person. Use phrases such as "Tell me more about that" or "Tell me why you feel that way" and "How does this relate to the rest of your life?" Also be willing to answer the same questions. Pull the conversations forward through the initial discomfort and awkwardness until both of you get into the flow.

But, don't mistake this for asking incessant questions to determine if the person meets the list of traits you want in a mate. People who evaluate others based solely on a list of traits often miss out on the real people they are interacting with.

Someone may not appear to exactly meet the list of traits you have determined as "have-to's" in a partner. Yet if you take the time to get to know him or her, you may find out, in a deeper conversation, that he or she does in fact posses the traits you value most. You do not find this out with a rapid-fire list of questions, but in conversation.

It takes courage to have deep conversations, especially with strangers. Many people worry that their date won't like being put on the spot in such a way and may even resent the intrusion.

Here is something interesting to help you be more courageous: People want to be seen for who they are. Almost everyone longs to be seen and known -- this one of the reasons people want to be in a relationship.

When you engage in a deep conversation, you are giving your date and yourself the opportunity to be seen and to create the beginning of a genuine connection. Most people welcome such a generous gift.

Master Certified Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries coaches singles to attract and build loving, fulfilling, long-term relationships. For more information about Coach Rinatta Paries and the myriad of services she has created for singles, visit her Web site, WhatItTakes.com.