So the person you're dating seems like a good candidate for marriage. How can you be sure he or she isn't a jerk?
It all lies in your communication.
"When I talk with couples, I look at how they talk to each other," said Rabbi Dan Fikowitz, of Kol Ami in Frederick . "Generally it doesn't come out in one meeting, which is why I require three or more meetings. Do they have communication skills? Are they positive ones?"
Is your reaction controlled during conflicts? What is your partner's reaction? Are either of you prone to flying off the handle?
"One of the most important things to address is how a couple deals with conflict," said Marie Kish, a licensed therapist with Healing Circles Wellness Center in Frederick . "They have a pattern of fighting and sometimes it's harder to get to a problem-solving place."
The Rev. Bob Donk, executive director of Marriage Savers of Frederick County, points out some red flags, all of which center around selfishness. Do you and your partner have poor emotional control? Or does one of you have inadequate relationship skills? Do you both apologize when you do something wrong? Is everything all about one of you?
A person who is in love, or infatuated, might not have the clear head needed to honestly answer each of these questions. Don't fret, there's hope.
Dan Holler, of Centrepointe Counseling Inc., uses emotional freedom techniques. A person learning to control his (or her) emotions, will identify what he is upset about, work it in to a phrase and using EFT, will tap on a particular point on his body. "People heal using this technique," Holler said. Donk offers a short series of classes, "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (or jerkette)" with a workbook. Couples can talk with other couples, go through the workbook together and leave with a better understanding of where they stand in their relationship. Marriage Savers provides mentoring by an experienced couple, two people who have been successfully married for a number of years. Before the new couple begins their mentorship, they take an inventory of several hundred questions addressing about a dozen topics. "The first couple I ever gave the inventory to, within three days, they decided they shouldn't get married," Donk said. Fikowitz suggests discussing the big topics, ones you don't address in polite conversation. Money and religion, to name a few. People usually have the most trouble with everyday things, such as which faith their children will practice, Fikowitz said. Interfaith couples especially should decide that now, before marriage.
Don't forget to talk about how many children. Do you want a small tribe of 20? And does your partner think two is a splurge? As for money, are your earnings equal? If the woman earns more, how does the man feel about that? Within our traditional society, men usually earn more. If a woman earns more, it may seriously bother the man, even if he hasn't said anything about it. How will you share -- or not share -- your earnings? One big pot? Several pots so you both can have a little? "It's not just your money anymore," Fikowitz said. "What do you picture for your home? Not just the house," he asked. Are there religious symbols? What kind of art? In what country and city do you imagine living your life together? Looking at communication, the rabbi looks to see if either person in the couple has to "pull" for information; is one person holding too much in? And he suggests using "I" language: I feel, I understand, I agree/do not agree. This form of communication promotes discussion and talking with each other, not at each other. Premarital counseling can be an effective tool in forging a successful marriage, but it's also beneficial to go in after the wedding. "It's no shame to come for help," Fikowitz said. "Usually I suggest that couples come in within the first year for a refresher."
