When you've had your heart broken in a relationship, it can be difficult to ever entrust your heart to another person. Similarly, when your partner hurts you, it can difficult to open up and bring trust back into your relationship.
Yet, you want to love, you want to trust, you want to open up. And so you do. Throwing caution to the wind you open up your heart again, hoping you will not get hurt.
Still, however, you may find yourself getting hurt again and again and again.
This is a dilemma many of us face, whether we are single or in a relationship. How do we open up to love and trust another person while staying safe and protected from being hurt? The following steps can help you do just that.
1. Assume that any person close to you may eventually hurt you. Have you ever hurt the people you love? Was it intentional, malicious? Were you sorry afterward? Did you have trouble admitting your remorse?
When others hurt you, realize they are just like you. They have likely hurt you unintentionally, and are remorseful and sorry afterward. Thinking of this hurt as a mistake or a mishap will make you feel less pain and help you feel safer.
2. Do not assume that knowing someone well or being in love is going to prevent hurt. Regardless of circumstances, time or promises, step No. 1 still holds true. Getting to know someone well may prevent you from ending up with a partner who will bring nothing but hurt and heartache, but it still won't prevent you from ever getting hurt.
3. When he or she does hurt you, assume that it is not about you. When your partner or potential partner does something that makes your heart ache, think back to a time you inflicted hurt on another. You did not do it intentionally or maliciously. It's just that you were afraid, or angry, or insensitive. The same is likely true of your partner, who may also be afraid, or angry, or insensitive.4. Learn to set boundaries. To find out what your boundaries are, ask yourself the following questions: What don't I want in my relationships and in my life? What type of behavior hurts me? How would people need to behave in order for me to not feel hurt? How would people need to behave in order for me to thrive?Make a list of your answers. These are your boundaries, the invisible emotional and physical lines that people must respect. Make your boundaries big enough so that you feel very safe. Start to educate people about them, but do this gently. 5. When you've been hurt, learn how to immediately take care of yourself by removing yourself from the situation and soothing your emotions. For example, if your partner raises his or her voice when upset, learn how to say "Stop" and "I will not talk about this when you raise your voice at me." Then do something that makes you feel good. It may be taking a long bath, going for a walk, or watching a movie.
Let's take another example. Say that you're single and waiting for a call from a potential partner. Let's say that you have been waiting for a call for days. Remove yourself from the situation by ending the wait -- stop waiting for the call. In fact, ignore the phone and let the answering machine pick it up. Now do something that makes you feel better. Treat yourself, read a book, entertain friends, etc. 6. Take care of yourself first. This may sound selfish, but it is essential. If you're first and foremost mindful of your own needs, your heart will become safe and you will feel free to form or rekindle a relationship. Taking care of yourself can mean anything from ending a fight the minute it begins, to immediately voicing a concern, to making a request to get what you want and need. 7. Learn to communicate effectively and powerfully, yet gently. You want to try and stop the hurtful behavior, but to do so in such a way that the person does not resent you. For example, let's say again that your partner raises his or her voice at you in anger, which you do not like. You may want to stop the behavior by calmly saying something like, "Please do not speak to me with a raised voice. I cannot hear you when you raise your voice and I want to hear you. Can we speak calmly now or should we have this conversation later?"
A second example may be more appropriate for singles. Let's say you're still waiting for that phone call. The person finally calls several days later. If you choose to communicate about this, you might say, "I am glad you called. It has been a while since we last spoke and I was starting to lose interest." There's no attack or accusation, yet everything that needs to be said to make an impact is said with grace and heart. 8. Learn to trust your opinions about yourself, your actions and your attributes as more important than the opinions of others. Sometimes in relationships, hurtful things can be said in the heat of the moment. Believe in yourself and appreciate yourself enough to be able to dismiss the hurtful words, thoughts, and opinions. 9. Learn when it's appropriate to forgive and when it's best to end the relationship. Any partner will hurt you occasionally. The question is how much and how often. An occasional hurt or annoyance can be forgiven or dealt with for the benefit of the relationship, as working through the hurt can often make you grow together. On the other hand, if you find yourself being hurt from the onset of the relationship and it never stops, you may want to reconsider your choice of partners. The best news is that when you can take care of you -- first and always -- you'll attract partners who will tend to do much less hurting and much more loving.Master Certified Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries coaches singles to attract and build loving, fulfilling, long-term relationships. For more information about Coach Rinatta Paries and the myriad of services she has created for singles, visit her Web site, WhatItTakes.com.
Source: Relationships & Love
