No-Passion Partner

Dear Suzie,

I'm engaged to a man who has no passion at all -- for anything. It seems impossible to develop the closeness that's essential in a truly loving relationship. What can cause someone to be passionless? - B.

Dear B.,

Why are you engaged to this man? Something must have turned you on to him. Ask yourself what those things are or were. Make a list and make it specific. If the list is short, you'll need to look at why you continue trying to get close to this man.

Ask him to make the same list separately, then come together to share the results. Each of you should take your turn at speaking with the other, listening attentively. This is important. A person's passion for life can disappear if they don't feel heard.

Many adults grew up during a time when children were to be seen but not heard and we certainly were not asked what we thought. If a person gets stuck too deeply in this negative feedback loop, they'll have a difficult time giving themselves permission to speak up at all, which can lead to a form of depression that shows up as a lack of interest in life.

It may be that you are the passionate person in your relationship with him, and that he has chosen you -- unconsciously, of course -- to help him heal that part of himself. This leads to a more codependent style of relationship, which isn't the healthiest that relationships can be.

Do a self-check inventory to be sure you haven't settled ant gotten scared that you might not meet the perfect man for you, which led you to say "yes" when perhaps you should have said "no." Consider yourself lucky -- you've been given warning signs before you've committed to marriage with this man. Taking the time to examine the dynamic between the two of you will benefit you both in the long run, whether you stay together or not. - - - - - Learn about Kama Sutra, Tantra and other sexual disciplines from expert Suzie Huemann, president at
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