Dear
Dr. Betty,
I've spent all my life raising my children. Now that the nest is empty, I'm in a relationship with a man I've known for 16 years. He has been very generous through the years, but we also seem to hurt one another. He's a night person who has no schedule; I'm a day person, a planner and an organizer. Yet I'm not secure enough to try another relationship: I don't feel as confident as I did in my 30s and 40s. I look young, though a thyroid condition has put some extra weight on. I've had to change my eating habits and now must work out just to keep the same. Yuck! Any advice? Are there really men out there who don't want a 20-year-old with a perfect body? --B.
Dear B.,
You've been Mom for a long time; but now that it's time to fly, you find your wings are clipped! You're in a safe relationship that doesn't seem to be going anywhere and you want more, but doubt your ability to attract another man.
You're right, you're not 30 or 40 any longer. The "yuck" you exclaim because you've put on a few pounds reveals more about your attitude than that of the legions of potential great guys beyond your nest. If you're not happy with yourself, how do you expect anyone else to be? Yes, you will get older, and you'll add a few pounds and a wrinkle or two. What's wrong with being a mature, attractive woman who likes herself and is interesting and fun to be with? Could you be that person?
You say you're a planner and organizer. How about putting your natural inclinations to work? Start by building your confidence.
Poor Self-Image Breeds Relationship DoubtHere are some ideas to get you starting on the path to boosting your perception of self-worth. Get started with yourself so that someone else can enjoy the full and fun person you are! Carve out time during the day for self-exploration. Use a journal to record your thoughts and ideas.Listall the qualities you like about yourself (emotional, personality-wise,and physical). Look over this "I like me" list and then read it out loud. Aftereach item say, "I have a lot to offer and I like me." This is calledpositive reinforcement.Next, list things you'dlike to do but never gave yourself the time for -- maybe you have a nicevoice and have always wanted to take singing lessons or join a chorus. Or maybe you've always been interested in taking a writing, art or foreign language class. Pickan idea from your wish list and begin to plan, step by step, how you'll bring that into your life. Call around for neighborhood choruses to join, community art classes or writing groups. Go to a meeting and meet the folks that are already a part of that circle. But don't bust outta there after one visit. Make a commitment to goat least three times so that you're giving it a fair shake.Now, if you're liking anddeveloping new parts of yourself, you're ready to meet nicemen -- provided you're honest and up front with your current guy. Startwith friends; get the word out that you're available. You'll have toreach out, be bold, and go where the men are. For example, ask anattractive man in a department store for his opinion about a tie you'rebuying (or pretending to buy), or strike up a conversation at the market. Take classes andjoin organizations that interest you. Start corresponding withinteresting men on the Internet. A big world awaits that offers choices, choices, choices! Isn't it refreshing? Be realistic about yourself and what youdesire in a man, be open, be positive -- and it will happen!
Source: Relationships & Love
