Still in Love With the Ex
Posted August 1, 2008 1:17 PM
QUESTION: My boyfriend and I were together for five years, although we never lived together. After about four years, he seemed to lose interest in me. He rarely wanted to stay over, and broke a lot of dates. I suspected that he was having an affair, and found out that he was. In fact, he was seeing a few women. I broke it off with him, and six months ago, after a year of depression and pain, began a relationship with a man who says he loves me and wants me to move in with him. The thing is, my old boyfriend found out about this, and now says that he really does love me, can't live without me, and wants to marry me! He is calling every day and begging me to go back to him. My friends think I'm crazy, but I still love him and don't feel the same way about my new boyfriend. What should I do? Is it possible that he has changed?
ANSWER: Groucho Marx once wrote this letter to the Beverly Hills Country Club: "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." Groucho was poking fun at all of the people who are never happy with what they have, because if they've got it, how good can it be? They only want what they can't have. The problem is if actually they get what they thought they couldn't have, they won't want it anymore.
So, let's go over this one more time. Your former boyfriend showed no interest in spending time with you, was unwilling to make a commitment, cheated on you with a variety of other women, and caused you to suffer from intense pain and depression. You were able to eventually move on –- and now are with a man who loves you and wants a committed, and we assume faithful, relationship. And yet, now that boyfriend #1 has reentered your life, you are thinking about leaving a guy who says he loves you and wants to make a life with you for a womanizing date breaker who broke your heart.
It is possible that you do not love your new boyfriend. The question is, why not? Clearly, you care about him enough to have a relationship that has gotten to the point of discussing commitment. Do you share similar values? Do you enjoy many of the same activities? Do you have fun together? Do you respect him? Do you enjoy his family and friends? If you are mainly answering "yes" to these questions, then you have to examine why you are thinking about leaving him for your former boyfriend, unless you get more of an emotional rush from someone you can't have. Believe us when we say this will do nothing for your self esteem or mental health in the future. It is a recipe for unhappiness, and yes, depression and pain. Of course, our questions about your current boyfriend may have gotten a lot of "no" responses, in which case he isn't the one for you either, and you certainly should tell him so. But, that still doesn't mean that you should go running back to your former boyfriend.
However, from the way you phrased your question, we feel like we should just be answering it with a loud sigh. You know, we know, and your friends who call you "crazy" know that you will leave the nice guy for the one who broke your heart. But, since you asked, here's what we think you should do: Tell the guy who emotionally destroyed you that you have a new boyfriend, and you're not interested in getting back together with him. We realize that it's flattering to have him call you all the time and grovel –- but think how delicious it will be to tell him once and for all that his train can't stop at your station anymore because it is no longer a local stop. After that, decide what to do about your current relationship.
Because here's what will probably happen if you get back together with that guy: You will joyfully reunite and the passion will be there just like it was years ago. You'll be happy and everything will be great for a while. Then, suddenly, he'll be busy again, disinterested, and working late. The thing is, once you become familiar and available to him all over again, he'll be bored –- again. This is in no way a reflection on you -– he would be bored with any woman he was with for a while (he's had quite a few "relationships" in the past, right?) Once the hormones that result in extreme lust fade (they always do over time) they are replaced by ones that lead to commitment. At this point, he needs to get a new "fix." He may have even cared about you as much as he was capable of caring about anyone; that would explain the several lovers instead of one. He wasn't looking for a new girlfriend; he was looking for the adrenalin rush of a fresh sexual encounter. He may even need newness to adequately perform, which would explain all those dates he cancelled on you a couple of years ago; he may have been afraid that he would be embarrassed in bed.
If you still want to give this a try, insist that you see a couples' therapist together. It's possible that neither of you want what you can actually have, which would consign you to relationship hell where you seesaw from being together to breaking up to reuniting. Or, you may learn what you want and will accept, and then go about trying to get it -- with or without him.
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Posted September 19, 2008 3:27 AM
I,m kind of going through the same thing only a little different. 5 years ago my wife betrayed me in the worst way possible, just short of actually killing me. To make a long story short I was falsely accused of child abuse toward one of her 3 children. (I have no children of my own) A week before dfacs came to investigate possible abuse I did in fact spank my 13 year old stepdaughter with the belt I was wearing at the time. I spanked her for talking back to her mother. I listened to the mother /daughter exchange for a while before I reacted, and with several verbal warnings from me first. I must say I would never abuse children in any way, I'm simply not a violent person My stepdaughter was wearing jeans at the time and I hit her about 3-5 whacks across the buttocks. This was literally the the 2nd time I used corperal punishment with her in the 7 years her mother and I were married. The next week dfacs came to my house with 2 police detectives, to really arrest me,but as a formality they asked me my side of the story. Not fearing that I had done anything wrong I answered there questions. After I made my statement they turned to my wife and asked her "do you think your husband used excessive force?" And to my absolute shock she replied"yes". It was like an episode of the twilight zone. I was literally handcuffed and taken off to jail.I did'nt have the money to bond out of jail because of course it was in the joint checking account I had with my wife. While I was in jail I found out that my wife was seeing another man, a married man at that! during the 3 months I was in jail my wife moved to a different location in the same town takeing all of our personal belongings with her. As a condition of my release I was not allowed to go home or talk to my wife or stepchildren. What I learned about the judicial system is a whole nother story. I literally cried so hard that my ribs and head would hurt and I did this almost non stop for 3 years. I lost several jobs because I could not function. As time went on I did get better and the feeling sorry for myself disappeared. Well about 7 months ago I get a phone call and It was a young lady on the other end that asked for me by name.I knew rite away that it was my stepdaughter. After I answered she imediately broke down in tears. after a few moments I told her that It was ok that I still loved her and her brothers very much. After a few more weeks of corespondence she told me that her mother wanted to see me. I have'nt spoke a word or seen her since I left jail 5 years earlier. I had not been involved with anyone the time. When I saw my ex-wife she was very thin and not healthy looking. We fell into each others arms and cried and cried. Turned out that years before the guy she was seeing was a co-worker that she started sleeping with and yes there were drugs involved. Anyway since then we have reconsiled our relationship but only as friends. I love this woman dearly with all my heart but I can't help but to keep my distance. I can't afford to be hurt like that again. She wants to re-marry and move forward.and she does seem sincere but for me I do need someone in my life but I think If I went along with this that eventually I would get hurt and I simply cannot allow that.
Posted August 5, 2008 9:37 AM
Totally agree with the advice. I went through a similar situation in my 20s. Back & forth, back & forth, for three years, with a cheater who rubbed my nose in it and blamed me for his wanting to cheat. My mother called us "On again, off again, Finnegan."
At age 26, I finally got wise, grew up, and moved on. Two months into a happy relationship with a new guy, Cheater calls me, at work, and proceeds to propose to me. Over the phone.
I said, "If you were here, I'd laugh in your face. But you're not, so I'll have to laugh at you over the phone." And I laughed. And I hung up. (I found out later his current girlfriend was in the room when he made that call!!!!)
Revenge is a dish best eaten cold, but really, it's good at any temp! Don't go back to the ex, dear. Even if your current dude isn't Mr. Right, he's a proper stage in recovering from Mr. Groucho Cheater.
Posted August 5, 2008 9:37 AM
Totally agree with the advice. I went through a similar situation in my 20s. Back & forth, back & forth, for three years, with a cheater who rubbed my nose in it and blamed me for his wanting to cheat. My mother called us "On again, off again, Finnegan."
At age 26, I finally got wise, grew up, and moved on. Two months into a happy relationship with a new guy, Cheater calls me, at work, and proceeds to propose to me. Over the phone.
I said, "If you were here, I'd laugh in your face. But you're not, so I'll have to laugh at you over the phone." And I laughed. And I hung up. (I found out later his current girlfriend was in the room when he made that call!!!!)
Revenge is a dish best eaten cold, but really, it's good at any temp! Don't go back to the ex, dear. Even if your current dude isn't Mr. Right, he's a proper stage in recovering from Mr. Groucho Cheater.
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