Stop the Soul Mate Search!

The age-old search for a soul mate. More times that not, when the search has ended, you've wound up with a broken heart.

If you look for a soul mate, you're likely to find a relationship that leaves you bewildered and alone soon after it begins. Instead, look for a partner and a best friend that you find attractive.

Why? When you look for a soul mate, you're looking to feel at home with him right away. You look for someone who'll understand you and give you what you want and need -- instantly. You pursue an extraordinary sense of recognition, connection and attraction . . .

Instead, what you find is someone who's willing to melt with you and let go of boundaries that define the self. Someone who's willing -- for a time -- to be for you whomever you want. And you melt with him, let go of your own boundaries, become for him what's wanted or needed. Then the two of you feel like soul mates.

This, however, can only go on for a short time -- about six weeks to three months, sometimes even less. Eventually, both of you regain a sense of self, personal boundaries, needs and wants, distinctly different from each other. Suddenly, your soul mate may not meet your needs and give you attention as readily as he once did. You realize you may not be as compatible as you thought you were. You find out things about each other you can't accept. One or both of you pull away, often without communicating to the other the real reasons for the distance. Eventually the relationship ends.