I have a friend who is exceptionally smart and very well-versed in the language of pop psychology. He is excellent at giving advice and is almost always right on. The problem is, his relationships don't work at all.
Even though he knows many theories about how relationships and people work, he does not know how to apply the information to his own life. There's a gap between what comes out of his mouth and what shows up in his life. There's a gap between what his relationship partners hear from him beforehand and what they experience once in an intimate relationship with him. Does this sound like someone you know? Does it sound like you just a little bit?
Here is a secret. This sounds just like most of us. It's easy to learn and understand and retain information. But to change our behaviors according to the information we learn, well, that's another problem entirely.
With behavior changes come feelings, memories, thoughts, and more feelings. Then comes the voice in our head that says something like, "I don't want to make changes," or, "It's too much hassle," or, "It won't work anyway -- I won't get what I want."
Here is an even worse one, experienced by my friend. He knows a lot about people's problems, patterns, and issues. But he cannot see the same problems, patterns, and issues in his own behavior. Not that he doesn't want to or would not want to see; he simply does not.
OK, so what do you do when you read, like here for example, about some change or shift to implement in relationships? What do you do if it sounds like great advice but seems too hard to do? Or what do you do when it sounds like great advice for a friend, yet people have repeatedly told you that you need to take this same advice yourself?How do you go from knowledge to seeing what you need to change about your relationship or dating patterns, behavior, etc., and then actually changing it? The trick is in this: Listen to feedback around you. If many people or the same people keep repeating the same message about you, or if the same message keeps showing up, take the hint. It's very likely something you need to deal with. Walk your talk. Don't let something come out of your mouth unless you are absolutely sure you are living the thing you are speaking. This will force you to be more aware of how you are living and force you to make changes that you ultimately want. Learn the same information over and over and over again. The more you expose yourself to it, the deeper it will sink in. Finally, do more than read and listen to information. Find a way to embody it, to bring it down through your body. One way is writing about what you're learning. Another is by finding ways to have another perspective on yourself, your relationships, or singlehood.Bottom line: The relationships are yours. If you know a lot and are great at giving advice, but your relationship or dating experience leaves something to be desired, you need to bridge the gap between information and action. Action is where growth is. And growth always leads to more happiness.Master Certified Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries coaches singles to attract and build loving, fulfilling, long-term relationships. For more information about Coach Rinatta Paries and the myriad of services she has created for singles, visit her Web site, WhatItTakes.com.
Source: Relationships & Love