What to do When Men Seek Sex Too Soon

One of the biggest issues for midlife single women is men who want sex too soon. And there are lots of men like that out there. It's important to note, however, that there are also men who respect women and act as gentlemen. Here, several women describe their run-ins with the men who aren't gentlemen.

Jane from Boston said, "I resent it when someone I don't know asks me about sex. I met a man in my apartment complex. We went out a few times, but all he talked about was how he 'needed' sex. I felt like a school kid with him all over me and groping at me."

Another woman said she met a man for a drink. "His first two questions were 'What do you want to drink?' and 'Are you orgasmic?'" She excused herself to go to the restroom, walked to her car and drove away.

Sharon from San Dimas, Calif., wrote, "I'm in my 50s, attractive and capable of passion with the right person. Is there a point in a new relationship when most men expect to see signs of physical affection beyond goodnight kisses and hand-holding? Many men have disappeared because I was not cuddly and showing at least an indication toward sexual willingness by the third date."

Dona was more direct: "Most of the fellows I meet are only interested in a bed partner."

A Las Vegas woman was fixed up with a man through a friend. During dinner he said, "I want to sleep with you tonight." She said it was like, "Pass the salt and let's get it on!" The only roll he got that night was at the craps table.

Jeannie of Rinngold, Ga., said, "A lot of the men I meet somehow or other project sex into the conversation or want to make out on the first date. A kiss is sweet, but not a tongue down the throat and a hand somewhere else ... I'm not trying to give off vibes or encourage them."

A Florida woman met a New England man over the Internet who was wintering in south Florida. They met at a coffee shop. She said, "He did most of the talking. About how he services women up north. About how he services women in his mobile home park and about how he has a van equipped with towels so he can take women to nudist camps. I could hardly believe all that he told me about the women in his life. That was our first encounter and last."

I'll attempt to shed some insight from the male point of view on early intimacy. Not all men will agree with me, and some will protest loudly, feeling I've made their quest for easy sex more difficult.

Sharon is wise not to be intimate after three dates for a reason more important than just "giving in" too soon: She doesn't know where a guy's been sexually -- or with whom. She doesn't know if he carries a sexually transmitted disease, including HIV. Even he may not know, regardless of what he says.

The Centers for Disease Control recently published a fact sheet that said of the nearly 900,000 people in the United States with HIV, up to 280,000 don't know they're infected. The fastest-growing segment -- percentage-wise -- of the population to contact STDs or HIV is age 50-plus. That's scary.

Before a couple is intimate, they should be tested for diseases and educated about safe sex practices. Guidelines can be found on the Centers for Disease Control Web site.

Sex can be an important part of relationships for people age 50-plus and even into their 80s. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't important to me. But having sex with someone who hasn't been tested is like playing Russian roulette. Some men protest that the numbers for HIV are so low and that I'm alarming folks. But it's not just HIV to worry about; herpes and other STDs aren't exactly pleasant, either.

For some people, there will be no sex outside of marriage. Joy, 64, from New Jersey, said, "I'm a Christian who doesn't believe in premarital sex, and sometimes that's an issue with men these days."

Jerry, 68, a widower living in Florida, made an important observation: "If a woman thinks it's too soon, she should let the guy know. If he's interested in her, he'll be willing to wait for the right time. If he gets upset and disappears, she hasn't lost anything and is probably better off."

When men and women are first dating, and it appears both are interested in each other, they need to have a conversation early in the relationship to establish when sex is acceptable. A meeting of the minds can avoid awkward and frustrating moments, particularly in the heat of passion.

It's important to remember that not all men push for sex too soon. But if a man does, walk away. Too many risks, too much chance. He isn't interested in you, only your body and instant gratification.

Tom Blake is a syndicated columnist in Southern California.