Where Is Your Relationship Headed?

A woman named Catherine, age 52, e-mailed me with this question: "When two people meet online and start to date -- they're hitting it off -- he's bringing flowers, talking about things he wants to do together, etc., at what point should they take their profiles off the Internet?" She wants to know because she's involved in exactly that situation.

The guy she is dating still has his profile posted, and he accesses the Internet matching Web site even on days when they've had "a particularly good date." She wants to know if she should leave her profile up.

I suggested that she should very casually -- just as a part of a conversation -- ask him where he feels their relationship is headed. And then she could say, "Do you think we should leave our profiles up on the matching site?"

From there, she should listen to what he says and watch what he does. If he leaves his profile up, she should leave hers up, too. If it starts to become a game, however, she shouldn't play it. She shouldn't be too available for him, regardless of how much in love she is.

Carol dated a guy a year ago but broke off the relationship because he wanted to date other women. He recently called her and wanted to date her again. She invited him over for supper and they've dated twice a week since -- movies out, movies at her place, out to dinner and so on.

She invited him to a community center potluck, which he accepted. Later, he told her he was invited to a special sports event on the same night of the potluck, so she let him off the hook. Carol added, "Then, we were discussing the upcoming week and what we were doing and he said, 'Oh, I have a date on Thursday with another woman at a special restaurant for dinner.'"

Carol says, "So now, as before, we aren't dating exclusively, and we've been intimate. Am I being used again? Or am I jealous with no right to be?"

I said to Carol, "Sounds like you do too much for him and he doesn't respond. When he tells you he has a date with another woman, that makes it really clear what he thinks about your relationship. He wants intimacy, but not exclusively with you. A guy wouldn't do that if he truly cared. You've made it too easy for him."

Susan, 53, met a guy online. They e-mailed and talked on the phone for a month before she went to visit him, a distance of three hours by car. "We have many common interests, similar religions and value systems, and the chemistry was definitely strong," said Susan.

"Our last evening, though, he started to pull back a little and told me I needed to be patient. He is not divorced and only newly separated, which deeply concerned me, but he assured me the separation was a mutual decision. I'd never dated anyone who wasn't divorced or widowed, and I felt a little guilty, but we had clicked so well. He asked me to come up and play golf with him in a few weeks. I told him I'd enjoy that."

So what has happened since? Nothing. Susan wrote, "I sent him a couple of brief, lighthearted e-mails and received no response. Why do men show such interest and then disappear? Do I write him off for good now, or is there a chance he'll contact me out of the blue one of these days?"

I told Susan to let him be. When someone says, "Be patient with me," that's a red flag. If a guy wants to be with a woman, he will make the effort. Will Susan hear from him? She might, but I doubt it. If she does, she should tell him the only golf she will play will be on her home course. Dating a separated-but-married guy is risky. And if he does come to visit, Susan should refuse to let him stay with her -- and she should make him bring his own clubs!

So why do men act this way? Because they can get away with it.

It's sad that at our age, women need to play the game. It's tempting for women to be there for men because it may seem that there are so few that are quality individuals. But frankly, it may not be worth it. Women shouldn't have to worry about making themselves "too available." And they shouldn't have to try too hard, even though they may feel that they are just being nice and showing an interest, the way they were raised to do.

If a guy isn't willing to take some initiative, don't waste too much time or emotion on him.

Tom Blake is a syndicated columnist in Southern California.