Whether its a spouse, parent, sibling or friend, its draining to be around someone whos depressed. Your friend seems to see everything through a negative lens, for no apparent reason. She exudes a sense of failure, hopelessness, or exhaustion. Nothing seems right and theres no way to please her. Suddenly, theres an inexplicable wedge in your relationship that wasnt there before.
Many times, the effect of having a friend whos depressed is almost catching; you begin to feel like a black cloud of depression and helplessness is hanging over you too. I recently received a note from a woman whose best friend had moved away. However, the two friends remained in contact, talking multiple times a day and seeing each other every few months. Then she noticed a drastic change in her friends mood. Every recent conversation was an invitation for her to complain about life's circumstances, she wrote. I found it completely draining of my energy andgot to the point where I told her I needed a few weeks to myself.
Depression can also manifest itself with signs and symptoms that are less obvious. You may not be aware of exactly whats wrong with your friend or mistake her depression for something else. She may seem more edgy and easily upset, or she may suddenly seem highly critical and quick to anger. Perhaps, shes drinking more than usual as well.
A friend who is depressed can morph into a hermit, taking no initiative to call you or to make plans. If you do get together, she seems bored, restless or preoccupied. You may peg her as being self-absorbed and oblivious to your needs---and that is probably an accurate assessment. But if youre truly a friend, cut her some slack. She may be depressed and if thats the case, its likely that she cant dig herself out of her abyss on her own. Recognizing depression Clinical depression is an extremely common condition, affecting nearly one out of ten people in a given year, and its is twice as prevalent in women as it is in men. Its more than a case of the blues or a bad mood that passes. A diagnosable depression profoundly affects a persons ability to function and as hard as someone tries to shake it, it recurs nearly every day, all day, for at least two weeks or longer. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), the symptoms of depression may include: Persistent sad, anxious or empty feelings Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism Irritability, restlessness, anxiety Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex Fatigue and decreased energy Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions Insomnia, waking up during the night, or excessive sleeping Overeating, or appetite loss Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease, even with treatment
Do some of these symptoms and signs make you think of one of your friends? What you can do As much as you might want to, you cant talk a friend out of being depressed or tell her to snap out of it. However, if you are a good friend, there are some ways in which you can help and possibly make a difference: Listen carefully, provide support, and offer to spend some time doing things you enjoy together (taking a walk or bicycle ride, or going to a movie). Offer to help her with concrete tasks she cant accomplish on her own because she feels so overwhelmed or has no energy, like childcare or shopping. Try to be patient---and never be pushy. Dont dismiss her feelings. Show that you understand them but encourage her to realize that these feelings are only temporary and will eventually pass. Dont pussyfoot around the issue. Remind her that depression is a treatable condition and encourage your friend to seek treatment. If she resists your initial suggestion, try again but dont nag. Dont make demands or set ultimatums. Many depressed people need time to find their way to treatment and some people just want to be left alone. If you worry that your friend may be harboring suicidal thoughts, confront the problem head-on. Be direct and ask her if she feels suicidal. If she does, remind her that shes important to you and that she needs immediate professional help to feel better.
While you want to be a good friend, dont put too much pressure on yourself. Recognize that friendship has its limits and you can only be a friend, not a doctor. Your friend may need counseling, medication or a combination of the two. Never allow the burden of having a depressed friend be yours alone. Be sure to inform someone else (e.g. her partner or closest relative) about your concerns. If youre her partner, tell her doctor. If you have tried all you can to encourage her to seek help and shes still resistant or in denial, you may have no choice but to step back and be there for her when she begins to recover.For more information about depression, see: NIMHhttp://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/depressionDepression and Bipolar Support Alliancehttp://www.dbsalliance.orgAs The Friendship Doctor, Irene S. Levine, PhD has produced The Friendship Blog since 2007, a unique destination on the internet where women can get expert advice and information about their friendship questions and dilemmas. She is the author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend (Overlook Press) and pens an online bi-monthly career column called Mind Matters for the American Association for the Advancement of Science.Irene spent much of her professional career as a senior policymaker at the National Institute of Mental Health.
