The Pain of Depression

To the first poster. YOU MATTER to ME! Shall I prove it? I had to go through registration twice just so I could send you this message, and it is 4:02 AM in California. So YES, your life DOES MATTER. I know alot about what you are feeling. I have spent the last 3 years fighting off the feeling of leaving the planet. I was a flight attendant for a major airline, I have bi-polar disorder, single parent that never received child support cuz the dad skipped out, then I hurt my back on the job and the employer denied workers comp, then I had to submit paperwork to their insurance, my doctors, lawyers (one for the workers comp appeal, one for the disability denial appeal, one for the Bankcrptcy, one for the eviction of a woman who forged my signature on a loan for her house and then did not make the payments, in my name, no lawyer would touch the forgery cuz there was no money to recoup and I didn't have any to hire one), I had to put together reports for the forgery, the failed short sale, the real estate agent that did not rent the property because he made more renting his own personal property, my son was having emotional depressed feelings (wonder where he got that from) I would get super "high" on life and think I could do anything so I would try to start a business, then the reality of lack of funds and knowledge to run the business would send me in a depressed spiral, my cat died in my arms, my dad died while I was on a plane trying to get there in time to see him... and no, I am not making any of this up, this really happened, but no one but YOU could ever possibly understand because you know how overwhelming it can be when you start loosing everything and find you have no control to stop it. In dec 2007 i sat in a corner of my back yard wishing I had a gun and not feeling any emotion about ending my life at all, cuz I didn't care... I didn't care because nobody else seemed to care, so I felt I must be a piece of trash, so what was the point of continuing. I'm not about to tell you what you "should" do or "should' think because that is BS. "Should" is a guilt making word implying that you did not do all that you could do. Well, I know in my deepest depression I DID do all that I was CAPABLE of doing...at that time. Could I have done anything different? possibly so, but at the time, no. And guess what...I smoked a joint with my girlfriend that has medical MJ and ended up laughing. She said, my God, woman, it is a miracle that you are still standing. And that's all I needed to hear. Validation that I really was having abnormally intense challenges that most people around me might never have in their lives. So they could not understand. Your friends and family don't know HOW to help you and they are probably busy trying to keep their own heads above water. Some just don't get it. If someone has not suffered the deep depression you and I have, there is no way they can possibly know how that feels. So here are some ideas how to pick up the pieces and work towards feeling joy, because you certainly deserve joy, you have seen enough of the other side. These are some things that I tried, see if any of them work for you, if not toss them and try something else: 1: )Ask for help. Call the suicide prevention or go to your nearest hospital and check yourself in. Get into the system so you can get some help with other issues. Just keep saying " I need help, please help me" 2:) Turn off the TV. It may seem like a place to chill, but what happens is we get into this self imposed prison watching it and staying around the house cuz we feel we don't have money to go out into the world. Spend your energy on step 1. Ask for help. If you have to watch TV, watch something educational, inspirational, and no more mindless TV, no news, no celebraty (spelled that way on purpose) gossip...its all garbage and toxic for you at this point, you want to heal, not take in other people's negative garbage. 3:) Say no when your limits are met. No trying to solve others problems, and that includes the creditors. I filed Backcrupty because of the forgery and because the creditors did not want to work with me (not that I had much to work with) so I snapped and said fine, take it, take all the properties and take your bills and shove itl. I'm done worrying about something I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING TO FIX. Whew, glad that is over. It took about a year for me to let go of all the materialness of owning real estate, but now its done and I am over it (for the most part). 4:) Homeless is not a comfortable option so get that out of your head. i was in the same situation with my son about 8 months ago and I finally said, "ENOUGH", I am NOT going to allow my situation to deteriorate any further to the point of being homeless, so I rented out my room and slept on the couch. That extra money made a huge difference and really relieved my insanity feelings. It was a little humiliating at first, but alot of people here in the US are getting creative. Split your living room in half and make a little room for yourself. There is no shame in being smart. Women thoughout history have had to have "borders" to support their families. Just check references. 5:) You are the CEO of your life. You can now call the shots. Take control back and push through the tiredness one day at a time. That's all you have to focus on and here is how you do it> Make a list. I paid over $100 for this secret society's book and the one thing I got from it was to group your physical actions together. That's how you can get it done when you are feeling depressed or tired or hopeless. Make a list and write down every single thing you need to do to stop this hemeraging of your life. NOW, group all the actions together, and relist them...here's who I have to call (put the phone numbers right next to the name) here's the stuff I have to make copies of in one pile, here's who i have to write (that includes emails asking for help) all your writing is done at the same time, all your phone calls are done at the same time. You give yourself one hour for each physical action (or 2 hours if you can handle it) It is much easier and you will be amazed how many items you can knock out this way. Draw a bright yellow marker through them when each is done. Then whatever is left over when you reach the point of "I've had enough" you put it on a fresh list for the next day. Sometimes I would only get two or three things done because I would get so frustrated with the roadblocks or unreasonable people, so I would have my good cry, take a hot bath, and that was it for the day. Start early in the day so you can 'take" the afternoon off if you emotionally have to. 6:) start a blog. What you are experiencing affects enough people that really could use your help, your caring, your understanding of how they feel. Even if you don't do a website blog, just start writting and saving in a file cuz someday you can use it. Research ideas online on how you could respond to someone in your situation. That is why your life matters, because you might save someone and who knows what that person's life is meant to be...their life matter's too. 7:) Go to a dog park and pet and kiss the friendly dogs and ask the owners what kind of dog it is and just have that simple conversation and see if it goes further into something that will make you laugh or feel better. I rescued two dogs (not a recomendation cuz you can get the beneits at the dog park) and they are a life saver for me cuz I have to get them out once a day and I have met some cool people. Most dog owners are cool, they have to be cuz dogs are not perfect. Ya might even offer to dog sit for a small fee. I got this idea from a man I met there who does not own dogs, he suffers depression and he said it is the one place he can go to and get unconditional love. So i leave you with unconditional love, because you have lifted my spirt up and given me hope that my life will be something meaningful for the second half. Since we all are living longer, I figure I have at least 20 more years to "get it right". That gives me enough time to delve more into healing Circles to work on my inner spirit which is the hurt part that causes depression AND I'll still have time to have a whole nuther life. You have time...let all the junk go (give away stuff you don't need or use including the wish for someone else to fix it for you. You don't want someone else's version of how you could live...you decide, dream up something really cool, write it down and keep it close to your heart. If you change your mind, that is ok too...just please stop beating yourself up, you don't deserve that...go online and look up Healing Circles and sond out some emails asking for help. Bless you sweet soul, I know you will be ok, now. Some big change is happening and you are about to explode with exciting wonderful heartfelt changes that you couldn't dream were possible, but now they are.