Dear Dr. Betty,
I'm from Argentina and am married to a successful neurologist. Last year I found e-mails, two love letters and black underwear from a female patient.
A year later he admitted that he had many other affairs, but doesn't think he's cheating since I'm the only woman in his life. After talking with other medical wives and his friends, I was shocked that they are or have been going through the same pain, or are unaware of their husbands' affairs.
Some of his friends told me about the "Eros Thanatos Complex," which explains that when you're dealing with death and suffering all day long, sex with a stranger is a needed release! Please help me to understand and forgive. -- J.
Dear J.,
You're dealing with a celebrity. Yes...a doctor is a celebrity to many of his patients. By that I mean he's wise, knowledgeable, solves problems, decisive, and recognized in his field. Therefore, he's a star. What could be more powerful than the potential to cure illness?
His sense of importance is fed every day. That's very, very seductive and makes it difficult to say no -- but does that mean he has to take the bait? I don't think so!
Most doctors don't; they use other forms of relaxation. What your husband wants is an excuse and a cop-out! What a line: "He needs to have sex with women strangers in order to deal with the stress of his job." Did he ever hear of another kind of exercise -- like jogging, playing handball or tennis, swimming, or being creative by painting, playing an instrument, or wood carving? There are thousands of different activities your husband could do to reduce the stress of his work -- don't buy that line any longer.
About You Often we admire others and engage in celebrity worship when we haven't realized our own potential. Ask yourself these questions: 1.If you see your husband as powerful in his profession and home life,can you see yourself powerful in any area of your life? If you see himas intelligent and decisive, do you see yourself this way? Do you seehim as your father and protector?2. Is he fillinga void in your life? Above all, you need to develop a sense of your ownself-worth. After looking closely at yourself, conduct a healingconversation with your husband about what's in store for your marriagein the future. It's helpful that he has admitted histransgressions, but the next step is to be truly contrite and wantingto make amends. Has he done this? Next, he'll need to show you dailythat you are the special woman for him and allow you to question him.My hunch is he won't tolerate this. I truly believe it's possible tochange, but in your circumstances, I don't believe you have much to goon to ever fully trust again.Where does this leave you? Theoffice and hospital seduction will continue to go on no matter what youdo; that's reality. Can you be with him all day, watching? Not likely.Can you trust him? Probably not totally.If You Choose to Stay
If you choose to stay in this marriage, realize that he probably doeslove you but may not change. You'll have to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning or liking what he has done or is doing, but it's aloving act you perform for yourself to free yourself from the pain ofbetrayal.You need to build up your self-esteem, look closely at your part in allthis, but most of all, get some support. You don't need to go throughthis alone.If you know other physicians' wives suffering fromtheir husbands' affairs, form a weekly or bimonthly support group. Talkabout your feelings and share what each of you has done to experiencerelief. Those of you who choose to stay married can work onforgiveness. Dr. Gerald Jampolsky's Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All (Beyond Words Pub, 1999) could be of tremendous help.More Help The Affair's Over, But the Anger's Not
Source: Relationships & Love
