Dear Susan,
I'm a 48-year-old woman who was married for 27 years. A year ago my husband told me that our marriage was over and that he was moving out in a week. He also had a girlfriend for quite a while that I was unaware of... So, three months after he left I got a letter from the bank saying that he'd put our home up as collateral for our business, took the money, spent it and never paid it back! In September I had to pack our home, where we'd lived for 18 years, and move to an apartment. After 27 years with this man, I'm left with nothing.
I don't see how it's possible for me to ever get over this hurt and anger that I feel towards him. I started counseling two weeks ago, which has helped some, but as soon as I get another fax or phone call, off I go again. I've been in such a depression from all of this. Maybe if I could just understand how a man can do this to his family it would be a little easier to get over it. If he wanted to leave, that's fine, but why be so spiteful and hurtful to me? I can't ever imagine loving or trusting any man ever again after this experience. If he could hurt me so badly after all those years, how could I possibly trust again? -- K.
Dear K.,
Most people going through this kind of inexplicable emotional torture say that the bewilderment is almost as painful as the grief.
Partners who act this way are said to be having a "midlife crisis," but this doesn't help to explain the extraordinary surge of hormones (infatuated love-chemicals) coursing through their bodies, or the fact that their egos inflate to gigantic proportions, or that they re-write the history of their past, distort the facts about their relationship to their former partners in order to vindicate themselves from any guilt.
It also doesn't explain how they manage to become oblivious to the pain they're causing, calloused about what their former partner -- who they once loved -- is going through.
They usually don't want to talk about it because they don't want to take responsibility for it -- they want to be free from guilt.
Your only option is to face the fact that your closure will have to come from yourself, that you've been dealt one of life's most difficult blows and that you must survive on your own. Of course, finding friends and family to support you emotionally is a lifesaver.
Start making new connections as well. New people can help to distract you from your intense emotional crisis a little bit and introduce you to new activities and interests.
Susan Anderson is the author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (Berkley, 2000) and owner of AbandonmentRecovery.com.
- - - - -
Have an abandonment question? Want to heal emotionally from your challenges? Ask questions and find support in the Emotional Healing discussion.
I'm a 48-year-old woman who was married for 27 years. A year ago my husband told me that our marriage was over and that he was moving out in a week. He also had a girlfriend for quite a while that I was unaware of... So, three months after he left I got a letter from the bank saying that he'd put our home up as collateral for our business, took the money, spent it and never paid it back! In September I had to pack our home, where we'd lived for 18 years, and move to an apartment. After 27 years with this man, I'm left with nothing.
I don't see how it's possible for me to ever get over this hurt and anger that I feel towards him. I started counseling two weeks ago, which has helped some, but as soon as I get another fax or phone call, off I go again. I've been in such a depression from all of this. Maybe if I could just understand how a man can do this to his family it would be a little easier to get over it. If he wanted to leave, that's fine, but why be so spiteful and hurtful to me? I can't ever imagine loving or trusting any man ever again after this experience. If he could hurt me so badly after all those years, how could I possibly trust again? -- K.
Dear K.,
Most people going through this kind of inexplicable emotional torture say that the bewilderment is almost as painful as the grief.
Partners who act this way are said to be having a "midlife crisis," but this doesn't help to explain the extraordinary surge of hormones (infatuated love-chemicals) coursing through their bodies, or the fact that their egos inflate to gigantic proportions, or that they re-write the history of their past, distort the facts about their relationship to their former partners in order to vindicate themselves from any guilt.
It also doesn't explain how they manage to become oblivious to the pain they're causing, calloused about what their former partner -- who they once loved -- is going through.
They usually don't want to talk about it because they don't want to take responsibility for it -- they want to be free from guilt.
Your only option is to face the fact that your closure will have to come from yourself, that you've been dealt one of life's most difficult blows and that you must survive on your own. Of course, finding friends and family to support you emotionally is a lifesaver.
Start making new connections as well. New people can help to distract you from your intense emotional crisis a little bit and introduce you to new activities and interests.
Susan Anderson is the author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (Berkley, 2000) and owner of AbandonmentRecovery.com.
- - - - -
Have an abandonment question? Want to heal emotionally from your challenges? Ask questions and find support in the Emotional Healing discussion.
CONTRIBUTE TO THIS STORY
