Marriage Decisions -- When To Give Up?

I agree with what is being said but my I find it very difficult to do. My wife and I are separated and I'm still living at home in the spare bedroom. She does not want to continue our relationship. I want tenderness too. I want to reconsile, she doesn't. It is difficult not to say I want to get back together. Any other advice would be helpful.

Hi, I feel the same way as you, listen, if either one of you have the slightest want to make it work there is still hope. It WILL work.
You have to start by looking at yourself, YOU are a good person, stop trying to fix the relationship for now. It will probably not get any better that way, Fix yourself first. You are in pain, and you need to stop that first, remember that the pain, guilt,and self pity
are just feelings, because you need him/her. You do not NEED anything, you want it,you desire it,but you do not need it. When you realize that, you can start to feel positive about yourself and that is the start to changing your relationship for the better. Do not chase him/her, back off, let them come to you.(That has got to be the hardest thing in the world) When you stop feeling needy your spouse WILL see it, and will start to see you again as the person he/she fell in love with. Do Not pressure him/her with I love you , I want you,etc. Just agree with whatever they say," Yes you are 100% correct" ALWAYS. 0 pressure. Chances are pretty good that some of what they are saying is right, maybe only 20%,but, nevertheless, focus are the right not the wrong in their words. Don't do this one day and then go back the next. Let them wonder what you are doing, and they will, when your start being positive about yourself. Good Luck, post a message letting me know how it works out. If you have a question or want somebody to talk to, I'll respond :)
Bryan

First I really love my ex yes the divorce is final,and the ending was 100% both our faults and what i didnt give to him he went looking for, and now i'm sitting here trying to find some one to give me the love affection and sex that I once dened him, and i'm saying why am I working so hard to find someone else to fill my needs, why didn't i work on the one I had, dah
So now I'm in a lot of pain about it, crying all the time, can't even mention is name with out feeling why didn't i do something sooner, I want very much to erase the pain I caused him for I trully believe he loved me but now he is so cold and distance at times, I want to rekindle the relationship , I'm not sure he will let me get that close again, we had a lot of baggage, and deep in my heart I know that
the issues and baggage we did not work out will be carried over into the next relationship so I can't for the life of me figuer out why in the world would I want to try this with someone else, why wouldn't I want to go back and work things out with him, which I very much want to do, but I dont want to push him away too fast too soon, In the mean time he is building a new relationship with the one he found, and I'm getting no where fast because i have to take it so slow If I'm going to get him to let the wall down and trust me not to hurt him ever again.
im 56 hes 63 , I dont want to be alone the rest of my years, hes my soulmate and always will be
I enjoy my freedom, theres so many females ready willing and able , and so few men that are worth haveing, in the right age bracket that is not looking for some young thing,
I'm telling you wake up take inventory of your self quit blameing him, try to find ways to act,look like you did when you were dateing and ways to make him happy unless hes a complete jerk or abuser, become his lover, open up your emotions and dont be afraid, if hes a good man and loves you , you will reap the rewards,
I'm afraid its a bit too late for me,
Please God send me some peace

I've only been married 2 years. And unhappily the whole 2 years. I cheated on my husband before and after we were married, with the same man, and my husband found out and forgave me. I know this sounds horrible but I wish he hadnt forgave me. My life is horrible. I would rather sleep on the couch than to sleep in the same bed with him. Some nights I stay up all night on the internet just so I can sleep all day when he is home and not have to listen to him and not be around him. My husband travels for work and he is on vacation next week so that is not going to be fun. We have nothing in common. He always has to say negative things about people and their feelings or beliefs. And its like cussing is a secong language to him. I cant stand being around him. Well you ask why did I marry him. To be honest, and I know this is no reason to get married but I married him because I didnt want to hurt him. But I dont know how much more I can take. I just keep wishing that it will just get so bad he will leave. I know I am an awful person but I dont know what to do anymore. Please help.

It took me 30 years to end a marriage that should have been ended within the first 5 years.
I really thought I loved this woman with heart and soul.....Little did I realize that she was cheating for quite some time with a man who I considered my best friend......a man who also sexually abused my daughter when she was only about 7 or 8 years of age. I have been separated from my X now for over 2 years and I am a much happier man today.....It's a tough move to make, but the trip is worth it. My only regret is that I didn't see the end a long time ago

How do I enter into a discussion....either one on one or with a group......would someone give me a list of steps to follow......Please and thank you.

my husband and i are separated after nearly 14 years of marriage, 2 kids ages 13 & 9. it hurts so go on but i have to. he is very mean and sometimes explosive among other things a cheater. he lies continously after being caught and turns everything around to make it look like it is all your fault. he berates me now even though during the together part of our marriage he never complained about anything i wasnt doing. i cooked,cleaned,worked outside the home,garden,was there for him begging him to pay attention to me but he was not interested. our sex life dwindled to non existent. this concerned me and i brought the subject up again and again only to be told by him that he is not interested in sex. but in the end it was me he had lost interest in. he never admits to anything but a woman and her husband called my home and had evidence and knew about a personal scar on his body(sexually) he continues to deny it all. she knew all our personal business(but he claims she over heard him talking about it to someone else). i know he is lying. the personal scar on his body he claims he had to take a shower at work and this is how she found out about it. the lies hurt so much. trust is destroyed and i am now in a situation of healing. he wrote me a letter tht sent me into tears saying how i was not a good wife and never did anything for him and he did everything for me. a week later he sends me a plant at work and says he misses me. he is so confusing to me. i wouldnt miss someone who was so no good to me but then again i miss him too and he was horrible to me. he has a bad anger problem and loses his temper quite frequently. he wont talk to you when he is mad at your for days and come and goes as he pleases like a single man and does not account for his time just says he is working all the time everyday 7 days a week. he spends no time with me the kids just stays at work and says that I didnt do anything to make him wanna come home. he moved less than 5 minutes from our home says it makes him angry to come to this house and see all the things he worked himself sick to buy and can no longer have. after the phone call of him cheating i told him to get out. besides no sex or affection no attention no time now a cheater, i felt there is no reason to stay in this relationship. i feel in my heart the marriage is over and it is time to heal and move on. it hurts to think it is over but i just couldnt get through to him that i wanted him to come home and spend time with us. i know he used his job as an excuse to be gone all the time and cheat on me. while he was cheating he simply acted as though i didnt exist. when he saw me unhappy and crying he just ignored me and went to this job. i felt in my heart if he wasnt having sex with me he must be doing it with someone else. i am tired now of crying over him and feeling sorry for myself. he say he misses me now after 4 months of separation. i dont know what that means because when he had me he didnt want me. i am confused now and i am hoping he doesnt start trying to get back in. i still love him and now i am not sure if i want the marriage to be over but unsure of whether we can fix it. five years into the marriage he cheated so now this is like the second time. first time a woman called my house and i had answered the phone in his voice and she said are you not coming over tonight. it was 100am. he was leaving the house back then at all times of the night. after i confronted him he cut the phone lines to the house. we had kids too. once he beat up my car with a hammer because i spent the night at my niece's house and tried to kick her door in. his temper is not quite that bad anymore. he can be sweet and gentle and will do anything for you that money can buy but is selfish with himself. i dont know what to do if he ask to come home. financially i need him and i do miss him but i dont want to go back to the empty life i felt. i dont believe there are any good men to be found or else i wouldnt consider giving him the time of day. i feel if this is over i will be alone for the rest of my life. i am a pretty girl and i have high self esteem that is how i kicked him out because i know i didnt deserve this. i see women all around me being mistreated so i have a negative view of men. any advice from anyone will be appreciated. i am content with my life just as it is but financially i am not so independant. he is paying child support and a little separate maintenance but it is not enough. i stayed so long in the marriage for the kids and financial stability and fear of being alone and facing the world with all its troubles alone. i am 37 years old and told all the time how pretty i am. however when one man has your heart it is hard to get over him. since our separation i found that a woman has been spending time at his house. (friend he says who is helping him deal with his hurt). i drove by his house at 900am and saw her car parked at his house. he was at work. the car was over to the side of the driveway as to allow him to still leave the house. it looked to me like she had spent the night. i confronted him only to be screamed at and berated. he even had this lady around my daughter at his house. we are still legally married. i told him i thought this was disrespectful and he didnt care what i thought. he later called and said she was out of town and left her car there. i believe he is so angry now and wants to hurt me for making him get out. now he misses me and i am so confused. helphelphelp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a 37 year old women who has wondered whether to stay or leave my marriage of almost 14 years for a long time. In the past I attributed "our" problems to my husband....if only he would do this or that it would make me happy. The fact is, I married an alcoholic and because of me growing up with the effects of alcoholism, I didn't know any better. I knew there were things I didn't like about him, but it didn't matter, because I had this fairy tale vision of how things would be and believed I could make them that way. I'm just recently becoming ok with myself without having to have anyone elses approval about who I am. So now I am at the point again of considering leaving and even though he hasn't admitted it I think my husband thinks it should happen too. See, he's still stuck into thinking everythings my fault and I don't think that way of him anymore. I had my own baggage when I entered the marriage and played my part in the problems, but I want to be part of a solution now and he still wants to stay in the problem. I try to be very careful not to put the blame on him for our failing marriage and not point out his flaws, because we all have them. I hope you wives and husbands out there who are feeling so lonely and depressed and torn apart can look at yourselves first before you point the finger at your spouse and ask yourself if youre really happy with yourself. Happiness comes from inside of us, nobody or nothing can give it to us. You can be happy with yourself and dislike the behaviors of someone else without letting it totally take your identity away. I'm just now getting mine back, so I'm living proof. I wish you serenity and peace.

Infidelity brought our lifetime of interdependence and deep committment and love to a screeching halt. His mid-life crises, younger woman, and special circumstances. There were lots of unbelievably cruel actions during that time. I've been putting it back together for 6 months but I have to deal with his acknowledged weakness and now I see more. He now drinks daily, is cynical about religious people, intends to avoid situations that tempt him to cheat but loves the attention of women, likes for men to put moves on me (his ego), and likes to hang out with people who are morally corrupt and poor. It makes him feel good. These things have always been true but as long as he was faithful and loving, it was worth it. Now I'm not so sure. We raised a beautiful, strong family but they are very dissapointed in him and me. I got down in the trenches to reclaim him by learning to be a party animal, of which he approved. Our life has returned to a quieter norm but left me very confused and hurt. Yes, I took him away from her and he's all mine now but did I win? Of course, I love him, but do I respect him? No. Do I feel I owe him fidelity now? No. (This happened once before, many years ago.) The sex in marriage is a sacred, wonderful joy. I still enjoy it and I love the daily physical affection. No counseling will happen. I have no career, nor job skills. I travel with him from job to job in construction, always have. He says he's never been happier. I was once a niave trusting person who most people described as very sweet. Now I find myself cynical about almost everything. My faith in human nature is shattered. If HE could do this, don't believe in anyone.

I really have no "reason" to get out of my marriage except for that I am unhappy. I think my husband is a good guy but that we have grown apart. We have been married for 4 1/2 years but been together for 10 (no kids). He has always been into his own things while I have had to either do what he wants or waited at home...alone. But now the tables have turned and I am having the time of my life. I have not been with any other men but I want to be (maybe women, too). And I want to be alone. I want to know who I would be without anyone else. I feel mean and selfish but do I just push my feelings down and live without passion?

I probably don't have any right to post here, but here goes. I am the one who wrote about not being married at 50. It was not a choice--it was just the way things were. I was a caregiver for a long time and never really thought about being alone. When that person died, I found out real quick. I used to wonder why women or men stayed with people they couldn't stand. Now I know--for four years I have been completely alone. I still have hopes that I will meet someone someday who feels the same as I do. I have friends who criticize their husbands and tell me how they can't stand to be around them. Believe me-- the alternative is not real great either. Thanks for listening.

My wife and I have been married for 8 years now, we just recently had our anniversary as a matter of fact. We have been having troubles on and off for a few years now. They started with infertility issues and have blossomed from there. For the past few years, almost like clockwork around this time, my wife has started acting distant and after MANY difficult conversations, I finally get it out of her that she is again (or still) unhappy. Last year we started counceling and it seemed to help, for a while. Recently she has been seeing a councelor by herself to try to get over some issues from her troubled childhood. She is finding that she is not happy and needs to "find herself". Like I said before this is a yearly thing for the past few years and I don't think I can take it anymore! She keeps flip-flopping between wanting to stay and fight it out and starting over. I want it to work, but I can't get past the fact that she is not happy with us and she thinks the reason is she does not know herself. She can't point to anything that I do to make her this way, she is just unhappy. At this point I am SOOOOO frustrated with the annual "finding herself" sessions that I don't think I want to fight anymore. It takes so much out of me that I can't focus at work or when I am by myself anywhere. All of my free thought is consumed with the "unknown" future and what it may hold? Am I being selfish?? I guess I don't think I am, I feel like I've been VERY patient to this point and I just want to move on, one way or another.

Like a lot of people posting, I, too, left a marriage of long standing (25 years). It took me two years to decide to leave--I vascillated between feeling responsible to keep the promises I made in marrying, feeling selfish that I wanted out, and feeling plain-old "fed up." I knew it was time to call it quits when I said to myself, "If I have to be this lonely, I'd rather be alone." It may have been the friendliest divorce I've ever heard of--he and I talked and cooperated more in the months it took to finalize it than we had in the previous 5 years. We are still friendly and keep in touch--he's a much better friend than he was a husband, and maybe the same is true for me as well.
Unless one or both partners are abusive, I feel each of us bears some guilt/responsibility when we divorce. No one would have married in the first place if they thought it would end badly, would they?
It's been almose 2 years since we divorced, and still--even though I really wanted out--I have good days and bad days over it. I feel a lot like I did during childbirth--only I'm giving birth to my new self--and sometimes it really hurts, but I'm willing to work for it. Overall, though, I am much more content with my life now than I have been in a long time.
It's all very situation-specific for each person, and each of us should do some serious soul-searching when thinking about ending a marriage. Even if you reconcile later, there will be wounds and scars to deal with, and whatever you say can't be unsaid.
E-mail me at nyteagle@my-deja.com or catch me under NytEagle7 on AOL Instant Messenger, and let's commiserate.

My husband & I have been married 7 years and I want out.. I tired of being the only one working to support our house and all the bills. " Selfish I know".
At the beginning of our marriage he worked.
But, as time went on and things kept happening . He is a painter by trade and is not is not able to paint anymore due to "medical issues" which are MANY! He has all kinds of excuses as to why he can't work. But, I just don't buy them when I see other people out there worse off then he is.. out there working too. He can go outside and do yard work all day long and work in the garden tilling and planting flowers . But just won't find a job.
I work full time outside of the home. His day consists of letting out the dogs and letting them back. He has no intrest in looking for a job.
We have seperate checking accounts and now we have seperate bedrooms.
I just don't see any future for us. Except for seperate lives.

Does anyone else have a spouse who has adult attention deficit syndrome? He can't stay focussed long enough to complete ANYTHING with me, but he can stay focussed for a one-hour rock'n'roll class, twice a week!