QUESTION:I was married for 15-1/2 years before we separated a year and a halfago. It was a very volatile marriage in which he was verbally, mentallyand emotionally abusive to me and our two children; toward the end ofour relationship, he was physically abusive to our eldest son. I hadhim arrested and he was found guilty of assault. Our divorce is in itsfinal stage and I have my whole life ahead of me.
I have taken the last year and a half to try to let the wounds heal andbecome happy with who I am. But when I get pressured by some friendsthat I need to date and that "everyone needs someone in their lives," Icringe. I am terrified when it comes to the idea of dating and goingthrough that again. How long should I give myself, or what should I doto get over this impasse?
I am 36 now and see this as a second chance to do things over and takecontrol over my own life and destiny, something that I missed out onthe first time. I married just short of my 19th birthday. Should I finda counselor to help me over this hurdle or should I just give it moretime?
It's difficult enough to find a companion at this age, but I also haveteen-age boys, which makes it even more difficult. Everyone seems tothink that I automatically have men lined up around the block, but Idon't and, even worse, I am scared by just the thought. What should Ido?
ANSWER: Congratulations for having the courage toleave an abusive relationship. We don't often promote divorce as asolution, but in the case of spousal abuse, it is the onlysolution. Understandably you are nervous and you should betaking some time so that you don't end up with another man like yourex. Let's see if we can inject some reality into all this and show youwhat you don't have to be afraid of. You and I are the same age, female and currently unmarried. Like you, Ionce attracted men who where mentally and emotionally abusive. It tookseven years of therapy, introspection and looking after myself to turnthat around. I didn't date much during that time. Now I can spotabusive men within a few minutes of conversation, and for the past fiveyears, every man I've dated has been incredible. The same will be truefor you in time. Just work on you, and the rest will come.About your ageIt sounds like you're feeling old and over the hill. As my40-something friends tell me: "You're just a baby. Relax." Sure, I rollmy eyes, too, but I can assure you it is not difficult to find acompanion at age 36. I am regularly hit on by men ranging from 22 to55, and still get whistles, gawks and stares when I enter the room. Age is about attitude. Cultivate a positive one; you deserve it. Youare sitting pretty at 36. Look at Hellen Mirren, Andie McDowell andeven Sarah Jessica Parker. All of these beautiful, sexy women are olderthan you and me. You're just getting to the best years of your life.Everything until now was just practice, including him. Consider the extraining wheels and nothing more.
About datingAs far as dating goes, you have every right to be anxious.Don't do it until you feel ready. Most of the healthy, divorced men Iknow waited three to seven years to begin dating -- and enjoyed thetime. They used it to focus on their own interests and children. Theydiscovered who they are.Your friends, though well-meaning, are pushing you into a situation youare not ready for. Everyone does not need someone in his or her lifeall the time; in fact, it is far healthier for you to take a time-outfor several years and discover yourself. You've got a lot of catchingup to do if you married at 19. Think of this as "Me" time. What do youwant to learn? What are you curious about? Where would you like to bein five years? Who are you? About the grieving processRead The Four Stages of Grief tounderstand the process. Based on your letter, it appears you're stillvacillating between stage one (denial) and stage two (depression). Whenyou hit stage three (anger) and can accurately identify thecharacteristics in men that cause them to be abusive -- and when youcan put such a man in his place -- you'll be ready to date again. Atthat time, you'll know that no man will ever be able to treat you thatway again, for you won't give the time of day to men that do. You'll bein control and you'll attract men who are interested in a woman who isself-assured, loving and open to a real relationship.Laura Dawn Lewis is the founder of CouplesCompany.comand the creator of The Sensuality Series, availablethrough Amazon,and "The8 Stages of Intimacy."
