Becoming single again -- one way or another -- after many years of marriage is without doubt one of the biggest learning curves you might face in your life. That was certainly the case with me. Since I was thrown in at the deep end on the eve of my 40th birthday, I have learnt more about the world and, indeed about myself, than any of the other rites of passage I've survived thus far.
Leaving home to go to university, for example, was a doddle compared to this. At least there you are surrounded by hundreds of others who are in exactly the same boat and with whom you can share the experience.
There are clubs and social events organised specifically to help ease you through your new circumstances and, if you do become anxious or need advice on anything, pastoral guidance officers are on campus 24/7.
Getting married, too, can be a relatively seamless transition. Most sensible couples nowadays live together for a while before tying the knot -- as did I -- and so the only real difference it makes to your day-to-day life is a shiny new ring, a certificate, duplicate toasters and lots of matching crockery.
Having a baby and becoming a parent is another potential life- changer, but one which comes with step-by-step instructions from every conceivable source.
Ante-natal classes cover everything from morning sickness to changing nappies; midwives and health visitors monitor your every move in the first few potentially-difficult weeks; and there are books, magazines, TV series, in fact entire satellite channels dedicated to pregnancy, birth and parenting, so you need never feel out of your depth. And, of course, there are weekly 'parent and toddler' groups in every town, so you need never feel alone. But separation and divorce is one cataclysmic event which -- incredibly, in my view, considering the vast numbers affected -- comes with no step-by-step guides. No concerned professional will visit you and monitor your progress; there are no community groups or drop-in centres; no treatment for the symptoms or side-effects; no self-help magazines; no classes; no nothing. NEED A CHANGE? How about a new job? SEARCH NOW So what becomes of the broken-hearted? Who do they turn to when their marriage goes off the rails and veers in the general direction of divorce? As I discovered much to my dismay, save for a few close friends and family confidantes, you are effectively on your own and, unlike other common causes of personal trauma, there is no acknowledged coping mechanism or method of recovery. You just have to deal with it.
"To thine own self be true," as they say. But if you are in the same boat and feeling lost in unchartered territory, don't despair. Six years on, I can now happily testify that it has been "the making of me" as my mum would have said. The positives do eventually become clear, believe me. In my case at least, I've been forced to consider what I will and will not accept in a partner. I now feel more certain about what I want out of life and from my relationships. Returning to the dating scene has challenged me to reconsider and analyse my character, personality and beliefs which have changed considerably since I was married. Further, having seen certain friends who could not cope with my new marital status peel away like thin veneer, I now know exactly who my real friends are and cherish them even more for it. But, possibly best of all, I've discovered that for the first time ever I actually enjoy and thrive in my own company. When you get to that stage, that's when you know you are really over it. No amount of self-help books could teach you how to do that.
