How I Lost a Husband and Gained a Fantastic Life

Frances: Yahoo! I agree and thank you for writing. I, too, became divorced after 32 years of marriage at the ripe old age of 55. I had several "couple" friends, two actually, for more than 30 years, who shied away from me as if I were a leper. I am not sure why. Probably they weren't able to cope as Frances wrote. I'd like to share something very interesting that my daughter said to me shortly after the divorce "Mom, you're a terrific person, take some time and get to know yourself" .. that just about sums it up!

Interesting comments.... In particular the person who commented on losing a spouse while child(ren) in highschool (comment related to how no one had responded to how the children reacted.) I will. As for the social invites and such, I make my own "extended family, friends, and have been fortunate to have clients become friends. My friends have typically been separate from my husband(s) except for very few with which we socialized. I enjoyed and worked hard at being married. I also enjoy my single life. My children are a large part of that, and my grandchildren are worth all the bad things I've gone through.. Back to children in school when death or divorce takes a spouse away. Happened to me in 96 and then I became deathly ill with a short-term prognosis (meaning short life expectancy). My daughter was devestated. She pushed away from me in order to protect her own feelings, and as I've kicked the illness to the curb, now dealing with a recent heart attack (a week ago), she keeps pushing back 12 years later. When I remarried, it lasted a very brief time, for several reasons. One was actual sabatotage on my daughter's part at every turn, the other was my ex could not handle change, illness, or any disruption in his perfect life. However, he was the love and passion of my life. I love him to this day with all my heart and soul and that will never end. The divorce was not my idea and came after I became extremely ill on a family vacation (minus my daughter at his demand), in Key West! He filed for divorce within a week back home to our newly bought home one month before our first anniversary. So, I know from most all comments that women seem to typically be shunned. But, then again, I'm not into social circles and large groups of specific friends. I have a variety of friends and they are both married and unmarried. You have to find your happiness in living life to the fullest however works for you. Whether it be your children, your grandchildren, your church, new friends, or old, but what one person said is so true -- your true friends stick with you in times of crisis no matter what. Divorce, sudden singlehood... that's no excuse for dumping friendships. Never has been for me! And, as for children, whey you become a parent, your children come first and foremost before yourself UNTIL THEY ARE OF AGE AND ADULTS! Then, it's up to YOU to make your life happy. NO man or woman can do that for you. So good luck to all and dump the resentments and assumptions. Maybe relationships or things are brought up because they are not the ones directly effected in buidling your own new life!

For the 80 year-old wise woman who posted May 9: Thank you! Well said. And though I am decades younger than you are, I too find that divorced women are much less welcome in social events as the men are. I got "dumped" by very close married friends when I became single again due to my divorce. The LAST thing on my mind was a relationship with any male! I know many divorced and widowed men, including my X-husband, that are included and invited to many social gatherings hosted by couples and married women. I was married for over 20 years and had been in a relationship with my X-husband for about 30 years (I have known him since childhood). I was devastated and am still adjusting. It takes time and mourning follows no given timeline. I appreciate the wisdom of such a wise woman and am grateful for the posting.

regarding the comment sent by the one man who posted - i find his statement that couples are socially partial to inclusion of women as opposed to men, rather amusing - have always heard just the opposite opinion; that women are those who are shunned by couples - supposedly because the female half of couples doesn't want a single and therefore competitive woman in proximity to her husband or significant other - my life-long experience (i'm 80) has shown this attitude to predominate - -two other responders, "can you say cliche?" and "doesn't really say much, does it?" are particularly trite statements - either they've "been there, seen that" and haven't been as pleased with being alone as the other writers or perhaps they haven't been in a similar position - speaking for myself, i've been there and after years of many experiences, favorable and not-so-favorable, it's been quite an interesting run -

You all claim that you made a mistake in your marriage and are now on your own. There are a lot of us how made our marriage work, I was married for 37 years until I was on my own, My wife passed away. We did not have the joys that I see around me all the time for the couples grown old together and enjoy the time after we retire when we would not longer have to worry about the kids any more. I did not hear any of you in your comments talking about you kids and the effect this had on them. Some of my kids were still in high school when I became single again. But I did get out and found other things and people to enjoy life with. If you think a single women has a problem, you should see how they treat a widower. We are kept away from most things that require couples where the widows will be invited. So just suck it up and go on living it was not the end of the world, I am sure all of you knew this was comming long before it happend.

I found it necessary to divorce my husband after 39 years of marriage. While his infidelity was the final straw, his utter disrespect for me as a person was the underlying reason. I had married him at 18, straight out of high school so I had never dated anyone else. We didn't have to get married because of a pregnancy but a baby appeared after a year and then another one two years later. I settled into my life as a wife and mother which is what you did back then. By the way, I am 70 now. It was a real smack in the face to have family and friends run away from me so fast that they looked like a group of Road Runners. I too, was on my own. On my own to try to forge a new life for myself. Early on, I made some mistakes in choosing men but quickly learned that I had to use my head and not my heart or eyeballs when a very handsome man was interested in me. I also have had some of the best times of my life post divorce. I can honestly say that now I am in a place of peace and joy in my life and those are things I will never give up for anyone. I have chosen not to remarry but have had a few relationships that lasted 5 years each or thereabout. I find life to be great and as a woman who has never been a feminist, I am making my way in this world to my greatest satisfaction.

Can you say cliche? I know you can, if you try... This is the same pablum similar articles have been serving up for decades. I truly expected the infamous "with half my brain tied behind my back" line, and the comments section to be loaded with "mega-dittos."

Thanks Frances! You have expressed articulately what I have thought, felt, believed for quite a while. I entered life as a single women at the ripe age of 53 (1994) and think I probably knew 2 women who were divorced ...... what a shock and what a revelation ..... all at the same time. It definitely was a "New Beginning" and I was fortunate to participate in a group (by the same name) of men and women who were in the same boat I was. I can laugh now, but at the time I was mystified and thought surely I would be a bag lady under the via duct before it was over. But here I am .... I have survived the worst of it and have come out on the bright side of life. Many lessons learned ..... more to come I am sure, but ..... as they say ...... "Life is Good". No, I haven't met the man of my dreams yet although I have kissed a lot of frogs. And I have had some choice experiences to remember and many stories to tell. Going in search of opportunities life has to offer is an adventure/journey with twists and turns. I am not the same woman ....... I am better! I am becoming the me I want to be!

The last sentences says it all....... But, possibly best of all, I've discovered that for the first time ever I actually enjoy and thrive in my own company. When you get to that stage, that's when you know you are really over it. Wise words.....and best given advise.