Dating, especially single-parent dating, can require the stamina of an Olympic swimmer. Even on a good day.
"There are a lot of messed up, confused people out there and you really have to be careful," said Mark Akin, 41, a single father of an 11-year-old boy.
Akin divorced when his son, Hugo, was 3 and has run a gauntlet of relationships since then. A few of the relationships ended because Akin's girlfriends wanted the kind of spontaneity that only childlessness brings; others bit the dust because the women had trouble sharing Akin's time and attention. Still others were just plain wrong for him - or vice versa.
But at the heart of it all was, and is, Hugo, whom Akin cares for two to three times a week.
"Through all the women, all the dates, all the everything, he's always been right there," Akin said, but his main priority has been keeping Hugo No. 1.
"Sometimes you kind of do feel like, man, you'd really like to be able to go do this (or that)," he said. "But hug your kid, have your kid tell you how much he loves you and there's no place else you'd rather be."
Rosalind Guy, a single mother of four children, also has experienced her share of dating woes, but she, too, remains adamant about keeping her kids at the center of her life. No matter who else might drift in or out of it.
"I've been told, 'You have no time for me,' " she said of former boyfriends. "I've been told that twice."Guy, 37, a high school English teacher and former journalist, got divorced in 2005. In addition to teaching all day during the school year, her time is spent shuttling Cameron, 2, Courtney, 15, James, 16, and Jasmine, 19, to and from their activities and working on her master's degree.Even though she often misses out on certain things, Guy would choose the brood over the dude any day of the week."There's always either after-school practice or a performance," she said. "James has a lot of performances. It's just always been my thing that I always have to be there."And perhaps "being there" is why James, a member of the Overton High School band, got to perform at Carnegie Hall in New York this summer. He plays trumpet and is the band's drum major. He's a kid with a future ahead of him, thanks in large part to his mom."I like the fact that I have a good relationship with (my children) and we're so close," Guy said. "But I remember several years ago in a grocery store and this man, this random man, said, 'You're never going to be able to have a man in your life.' I was married at the time and just laughed it off, but now that I'm divorced it seems like he kind of knew what he was talking about."
Kathy Miller, a licensed professional counselor, said children can present a challenge in such situations because of the logistics involved in caring for them, not to mention the emotional or behavioral issues they might have.Then there's the boyfriend or girlfriend, whose expectations can muddy already churning waters. A man or woman who becomes involved with a single parent has to accept the whole package, not just the person they're dating, and it can take a special (read: selfless) person to do that. They also have to be secure enough to deal with the other parent.Then, if the mom or dad's child or children don't like the new person, it's usually a "deal breaker," Miller said."The custodial parent needs to think of the welfare of the child, and if arguments are occurring simply because the boyfriend/ girlfriend is trying to step into a parental role then the custodial parent feels like he or she has to be a referee," Miller said. "The way to deal with this is just a lot of communication and does the (new significant other) really want to get involved in that?" When parents divorce, kids often believe the family will get back together even though it probably won't, Miller said. Then kids' next thoughts are, "Is mom or dad trying to replace mom or dad?" The only way to allay such fears is reassure the kids that they're still loved even if mom and dad live separately.
The first thing Miller usually asks her clients is if they've introduced the kids and the new date yet. Most say they're not ready, but there's no set rule."There's no real answers to give you and it's all in a gray area . but the common thread is communication between the two parents and the kids and thinking what's in the best interest of the kids," Miller said.And that's as it should be. People who divorce or break up with someone need a period of healing before they hop into another relationship. Otherwise, they can end up replaying the destructive behaviors that resulted in divorce, and exposing their kids to them.On the other hand, dating can help people rebuild after a split, said the author of the "Zoe's Dating Scene" blog on Doover.com. This is a website for professional women going through divorces, and Zoe, who prefers not to use her last name, is its resident advice goddess."Some light and fun dating can help people get their confidence back, that you are a sexy, lovable human being - that people of the opposite sex really do want you," she said.Zoe is a 40-year-old marketing executive with two kids. Between her personal experience and professional prowess, she knows what she wants at this point, and has no desire to be coy with men.
The same goes for Rosalind Guy."I may go out with somebody once, but if I don't think it's going to go anywhere, I don't go again," she said. "When I do go out, I kind of have my BS detector on and if I think it's going to be a mess, I don't even go there."However, what experienced women want in a man and what's available aren't always the same thing."When you're dating at 40, it's really true - all the good ones are taken," Zoe said. "There are a lot of guys women have dropped for a very good reason."Luckily, she recently hooked up with an old college flame via Facebook."He's a 9 and these guys I've been dating are like a 2, and I need to hold out for the 9," she said.The important thing is to think through the tradeoffs you'll have to make in any relationship and zero in on what you want. Experience is a good thing, even when it doesn't seem to be."Divorce is an opportunity for personal growth," she said. "Personal growth sucks, but you might as well get through it - laugh your way through. And dating's part of it."
