By the time she was 5,Elizabeth Marquardt was traveling across the country alone, flyingcoach as she moved between her divorced parents. She says her parentssplit with very little conflict, perhaps owing partly to another kindof distance geographical between them.
Now 34, Marquardt seems well-adjusted, dividing time betweenher job as a resident scholar for a Washington, D.C., think tank andher own family, husband and two kids in Highland Park, Ill.
But beneath the veneer, Marquardt says, she and other young adults whogrew up in the divorce explosion of the '70s and '80s are still dealingwith wounds that they could never talk about with their parents. It'sthat family situation that also serves as the backdrop of the moviedrama "The Squid and the Whale."
Marquardt's own experience, she says, was a catalyst for her researchin what she calls "the first national study of children of divorce,"conducted with sociologist Norval Glenn of the University of Texas atAustin. The results of the study and a poignant narrative of her ownexperience are contained in her new book, Between Two Worlds:The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce (Crown, 2005).
The key findings of the study by Marquardt and Glenn are these:
- The grown children of divorce say there is no such thingas a good divorce.
- Children of divorce say they spent a lot of time aloneand, as a result, found some emotional distance between themselves andtheir parents.
- Even in an amicable split, divorce makes children grow upbetween the two distinct worlds of their parents, who often havedifferent values and priorities.
- Children internalize the conflict between these twoworlds. They say they feel they have to grow up too soon, act likedifferent people around their parents, and keep secrets to preserve thepeace.
The long-term scars of divorce
"Too many people have unrealistic ideas aboutdivorce," Marquardt said. "They think if you do it right, it won't beso hard on the kids. And that's where this 'good divorce' idea is sodamaging and so seductive, because it basically tells parents a lie."Even for those of us who end up quote-unquotesuccessful," Marquardt said, "divorce shapes the identities of youngpeople for a lifetime in ways that we haven't noticed or haven't talkedabout before mainly because all the research has been done by peoplewho did not themselves experience divorce as children."The researchers to whom Marquardt alludes are Judith Wallerstein and E.Mavis Hetherington. Wallerstein's 2000 book, The UnexpectedLegacy of Divorce (Hyperion, 2001), was criticized by somefor a small survey sample that said children are definitely harmed bydivorce.Two years later, Hetherington's book For Better or for Worse:Divorce Reconsidered(Norton, 2003), which was based on extensive regional research, saiddivorce doesn't leave the majority of children with lasting damage.Though Wallerstein wrote a foreword for Between TwoWorlds, Marquardt hopes her book about divorce's subtlereffects canavoid the point-counterpoint salvos of the earlier skirmish.
"For a long time," Marquardt said, "people have beenarguing about how many children of divorce end up with seriousdelinquency or teen pregnancy or depression. What I do in this book isgo to a whole new level. And it's told from the perspective of theyoung adults who are affected by divorce."Marquardt agrees that, sometimes, a divorce isnecessary, as in cases of domestic violence, drug abuse, alcoholism orinfidelity. But two-thirds of marriages that end in divorce are simplylow-conflict relationships in which people drift apart."Divorce needs to happen sometimes, but it's always atragedy," she said. "A healthy marriage is an incredible gift to giveto your children, and it's possible for almost all of us."Marquardt said she hopes adult children of divorce comeaway from her book realizing, "It's not just me. I'm not alone." Shealso hopes it will persuade couples who have a case of the blahs to tryharder to rekindle their relationship.Source: The Record.Powered by YellowBrix.
Source: Relationships & Love
