Achieving 'The Brady Bunch'

"What happens is, it gives the message ... that stepfamilies will just blend together like 'The Brady Bunch,'" Bari Benjamin says. She is a psychotherapist with Squirrel Hill Psychological Services, a division of the Jewish Family & Children's Service. "That was a myth ... and unrealistic. What can happen is people will have a fantasy that everything will fall into place and everybody will get along. ... Generally, that's not the case." Benjamin doesn't like the popular term "blended family" for that reason: The blending typically doesn't happen quite so smoothly. A relatively successful, peaceful and happy stepfamily might be formed within two years, but the process can take as long as seven years, she says. "It takes work," she says. "It takes a commitment on the adults' part. It takes a strong parental unit, and also egos that aren't easily bruised." Elaine Fantle Shimberg, an author in Tampa, says the term "blended family" is broader than it seems. "I've come to the conclusion that it isn't just when you marry someone who has kids," Shimberg says. Her books include "Blending Families: A Guide for Parents, Stepparents, and Everyone Building a Successful New Family" (Berkley Publishing Group, 1999).

"It's really a blended family whenever two people get together, because you've got your in-laws," Shimberg says. "In a way, we all have a blended family." Parents and stepchildren will fight, but so do children and biological parents, she says. Likewise, all siblings will bicker, whether they are biological or step-siblings. Usually, stepfamilies include children who have gone through a loss, like a death or a parent or a divorce. The grief can create anger and resentment toward the new stepparent, Benjamin says. "This is almost the job of the stepchild," she says. "At some point they will say, 'I don't have to listen to you; you're not my real parent.'" One of the most difficult stepfamily situations is when a widower remarries, Shimberg says. The children, even adults, might feel strong resentment toward the woman who seems to be crowding out their deceased mother, whose pictures and things may be moved. In all stepfamily situations, Shimberg says, boys often adjust more easily than girls, especially preteens and teenagers. Women often have confessed to Shimberg that they were ugly toward their stepparents, she says. Often, children will be accepting of a new partner when their parent starts dating someone, Benjamin says. However, when the parent remarries and the partner moves in, it's another story, she says. The new stepparent seems like an intruder to the kids, and so do the newcomer's kids.

In the Lardin family of Hempfield, the transition has gone pretty well because the parents rented an eight-bedroom farmhouse. That houses the seven-member family: Jeanine, 37, and her three kids -- Vincent, 14, Emily, 12, and Madeline, 10 -- and Paul, 49, and his two sons, Devan, 18, and Dillon, 16. Paul Lardin also has a daughter -- Kristyn, 22 -- but she doesn't live with him. The couple got married Aug. 9, 2008, but just moved in together two months ago because, until then, they hadn't found a big enough space. Paul and Jeanine Lardin present a united front with their children in disciplinary issues, with the biological parent taking the lead and the other supporting. Family members address conflicts as they come up, and are counseling with a social worker to ease the transition. Both sets of children fight among themselves, but seldom fight with the other team, Jeanine Lardin says. "All in all, we're getting along pretty well," she says. "There are bumps here and there, but it's going pretty well." Shelly Jackson, 32, of Hyde Park, brought two sons -- Nathan, 10, and Aaron, 7 -- into her 2005 marriage to Kevin, 34, who had two kids of his own: Brandon, 13, and Cara, 12, who lives with her mother in Apollo. Although the kids mostly have embraced each other, the first two years of the marriage were rough, Shelly Jackson says. Things are going well now, but the couple sought family counseling in the beginning because of disagreements about parenting issues, among other things.

"I would say, 'Well, you're harder on my kids,' and he would think I was easier on mine," says Shelly Jackson, who says her home life is happy and going well. Jill Revitsky of Mt. Lebanon -- who, along with her husband, E.J., heads a blended family of five children from previous marriages -- advises members of new stepfamilies to take things slowly, and have realistic expectations. "A lot of people do go into a blended situation thinking it's going to be like TV, where everything gets resolved in 30 minutes," says Jill Revitsky, 40. Her family was featured in a 2007 Trib article about blended families, and she looks back on the wisdom she has gained. "A lot of people just see it as they are marrying this wonderful person," Revitsky says. Her husband's kids -- Steve, Alicia and Kate -- all are grown and have left, but her kids -- Mary, 13, and Nathan, 16 -- still live with her. "You have to buckle your seat belt, because there is some wavy, curvy, wet road ahead that you can't predict." Smooth blending with a new family Problems are inevitable, but with strong effort and patience, most stepfamilies can work eventually, experts say. Consider these tips: Communication -- both between the spouses, parents and kids, and the kids -- is very important. Share your feelings and struggles openly with each other.Stepparents should not embrace a parental role right away; they can be a role model, figure and friend, but not an authority.For the first year, discipline should be delivered only by the biological parent, but in a way so that the child understands that the couple are a team: "He and I have decided ...," for instance.When a child says things like "You're not my mother" and "You can't tell me what to do," the stepparent should not get defensive. Try saying, "You're absolutely right; I'm not your real parent."Parents should make time for their biological children one-on-one, just like it was before their partners came along. The stepparents also should take time, even just a half hour a week, to do something fun with the children.The entire new family regularly should do some fun things together.Be sympathetic toward your children's feelings of ambivalence and resentment toward the newcomer; they have every right to feel that way.Set clear limits with your children about their treatment of your spouse. They don't have to like the spouse, but they do have to be polite and respectful. Enforce consequences.Keep a sense of humor. There's nothing wrong with laughing at foibles. Sources: Author Elaine Fantle Shimberg; therapist Bari Benjamin of Squirrel Hill Psychological Services