Communication, Civility the Keys to Blended Families

DETROIT -- As soon as 5-year-old Nate sees the two girls hop from their father's car, he starts squealing.

He dashes through the empty house as Shayla, 12, tears off after him, tackling him with hugs of affection. While they play, Simone, 17, examines the room that will soon be hers.

The girls' father, Tom Staley, and Nate's mother, Jakey Hoffman, have been working on the Rochester Hills, Mich., home since purchasing it earlier this month. The couple plan to marry in August, officially joining the ranks of more than 12.2 million blended American families.

"Blended families are the norm now," says Jeannette Lofas, founder of the Stepfamily Foundation in New York. "The majority of American families are in some form of step arrangement."

For every 100 marriages, 46 involve a remarriage for one or both partners, according to the Council on Contemporary Families. Of the remarriages, 24 are a remarriage for both people. About 65 percent of remarriages involve children younger than 19. The Center for Divorce Reform estimates that at least 40 percent of all marriages end in divorce. But blended families face even greater challenges. More than 60 percent of remarried or recoupled families break up when children are involved, according to the Stepfamily Foundation, a research and support network based at Westbrook University in New York City.

"Yes, these families have lots of challenges," says Stephanie Coontz, a spokeswoman for the Council on Contemporary Families, "but they can be healthy to the extent that they're seen as an extension of the family instead of a break from one family to another."

However, sometimes unrealistic expectations of blissful Brady Bunch bonding get in the way of reality.

"One of the biggest things that hurt us in the beginning was our kids weren't getting along," says Amy Retsel, 37, who married Jamie Retsel, 39, two years ago.

Her two sons from a previous marriage, Blair Peter, 13, and Louis Peter, 10, live with them in Waterford Township, Mich. Every other weekend his three children from a previous marriage -- son Nic, 17, and daughters Nomi, 11, and Sierra, 8, visit from their home in West Branch, Mich.

Typical children's squabbles about little things like who gets to sit where in the family van and where to go on family outings became major battles with cries of unfairness coming from children on both sides. "We learned to say, 'This is where we're going and next time maybe it'll be your turn,'" Amy Retsel says.

"You had seven different personalities put into one household. There's just no way for it to be peace and quiet and delightful all the time," she says. "I think if anything in the long run, they'll all be better because it's teaching them to be open-minded, flexible and tolerant."