Communication, Civility the Keys to Blended Families

The transition to a blended family wasn't initially easy for DeAngelo and Linda Alexander of Grosse Pointe Shores, Mich.

Married for six years, their family includes her two sons, DeAndre Henderson, 20, and Khalil Gallien, 10, and the son they had together, DeAngelo II, who's 4. DeAngelo's daughter from a previous relationship, Asya Alexander, 12, lives with her mother in Detroit most of the time, but has her own room at her father's house.

DeAndre admits he wasn't ready to welcome a new man into their family with open arms. He'd been used to having his mother to himself. "It was really hard for me at first because I didn't want to share her.

"Then I thought about it and I realized I'm not going to be here forever, and who I am to deny her her happiness," says DeAndre, a junior at Howard University in Washington, D.C. "If you really love your parents, you want them to be happy."

Asya also says she didn't like the idea of another woman taking her mom's place, but she's adjusting. "Now it feels just like a regular family," she says.

DeAngelo and Linda work at making each child feel comfortable. "We never use the term 'step,'" DeAngelo Alexander says. "As a matter of fact, I sometimes forget I am not the biological parent of a couple of the kids. It's not like they have stepparents; it's more like they have extra parents."

Jakey Hoffman and Tom Staley are optimistic about their future as a blended family.

Neither daughter has decided whether they'll live primarily with their father in Rochester Hills, Mich., or remain with their mother in Macomb Township, Mich. But they're happy to be gaining a new family.

"I was glad when I found out they were getting married," Simone says. "I really liked her right away."

Shayla agrees. "Nate, he's like a real little brother. We're just like brothers and sisters. We've gotten along ever since we've gotten to know them."

Tom Staley grew up in a blended family and says he has learned lessons that will help his new family.

"You have to earn respect. You don't just walk in and take it," says Staley, who was raised by his biological mother and stepfather. When he turned 19, as a Father's Day gift he changed his name to Staley -- his stepfather's last name.

"I am so blessed because we all get along with each other and with each other's ex-spouses," says Hoffman, a communications specialist at GM Online. "If our kids didn't like one or the other person, we wouldn't have planned to marry."

The girls' mother, Valeriece Staley, says she's glad her daughters will have another person in their lives who cares about them.

"I think Jakey's great," she says. "For me to be threatened or intimidated would be silly. It's not like people have a limited amount of love to give. Bringing someone else into their lives who loves them can only be a good thing."

Good ex-etiquette

Here are nine rules of good ex-etiquette, according to Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents" (Chicago Review Press, $16.95).

1. Put your kids first.

2. Ask for help when you need it. This opens up a possibility that few exes look to for help -- each other.

3. Don't bad-mouth. Bad-mouthing the other parent will not bring you closer to your child. Most kids rebel and personalize the negativity -- and it will backfire.

4. Bio-parents make the rules, bonus parents support them.

5, 6, 7 and 8. Remind yourself not to be spiteful or hold grudges, to be honest and to respect each other. All these things prevent arguments, help you look for the greater good, and ultimately set a good example for your kids, who look to you as a role model.

9. Look for answers outside the box. Compromise if you can.

The easiest way to remember to apply these rules? Just look at your kids. No kids? The rules still apply. Most rules don't specifically mention kids just for that reason.